RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXV, Issue 217, 10 September 1904, Page 12

RANDOM SHOTS.

ZAMEIFA

Fame one had blundered. T don't , rightly know who. but when I heard;tbat the Commodore in command of Protpt had decided, metaphorically, to ] shake our dust from his feet, and liter-;. silly to steam forthwith to some more j. hospitable dimr. without even waiting:, for our best Westpori coal. T began toj ( Ihink that the ingenuity of our Defence;. "Department had landed us in what Mr! Inland genially calif "a. unprecedented, ;ix." I wonder what would have ha;)-, period in diplomatic circles in the World if it had once been known that, a warship flying the flag of the. great Republic with which for the moment Tvc aiv on the best possible terms , hnd been turned away from our j shores and admission had been \ refavd lo its officers and crew? Or" course. everybody knows thai the clause in ' the Defence Act which our unfortunate Harbourmaster had to take the responsibility of acting | on may become at any time a very use-! ful, if "not necessary, regulation, but iti doe- seem a pity that somebody hadn't , arranged beforehand to get the restriction removed for the benefit of the Protrt. Tt is usually done, and nobody j imagine? that our * IVfence Department, ■would have hesitated. Tn fart, "King: Dick" fairly bubbled over with hnspit-, able enthusiasm as soon as he heard; rhat Commodore Adigard was in aj manner of saying "knocking at thej door." Happily for everybody concprn- \ cd. the said Commodore appears to be | a sensible, good-tempered person, and; though he ha? felt compelled to report. the matter officially to his Government. T don't think that he feels personally I much aggrieved. But if the French Mm- j ister of Marine should take offence, or if some Chauvinistic gentleman should begin to ask awkward questions in the ( liTimber of Deputies, this little mistake mijrht assume somewhat unpleasant proportions: and 1 don't think that "Mr Seddon would continue to enjoy lus present, high reputation as au Imperial statesman, which would, of course, be very absurd; but then, as the. poet oracularly remarks: "What great events from trivial causes ?pring!"' However, to quote another better known poei. "All's well that, puds well." ami by latest advices the Protet has not tlie slightest intention of bombarding Auckland without notice, and the Commodore has been seen reciprocating the "usual courtesies "' quite tame and comfortable. "Vive la Etepublique." say I. certainly. France is a lino country, and her people, particularly her sailors, are "of the most polite.' , Thr Paderpwski han been, and speji. and conquered. Especially he conquered, as anyone might know wbo observed Hie numbers of charming maidpns who waited to catch sight of him in the Arcade cat-li night. Men are deceivers ever, and on the second night he deliberately deprived them of iheir innocent pleasure by passing out into tht* lane at the back of the. liuild.Mγ opinion of the mighty man was not. I admit, so great after witnessing ~< hat .-illy, vain, and selfish trick: 1 wish I had only heard his music. But that was not the only humorous incident connected with the concert. Both nights a few people made a practice of hanging about near the doors in the hope of eatolling stray passage-* of melody. One gentleman way conspicuous by his musical ardour. But 1 aui afraid he found Paderewski sorely tantalising. From diminuendo the player passed to piano and from piano to pianissimo. At last, tlie listener could .-tand it no logger. lie threw out his chest, inflated his lungs, and shouted. '"Play up. old man! Let her ro! We can't hoar you.' . But the great musician either did not. or would not, hear that petitioning cry. and he kept back hi« forte till his own good time.

1 fan understand people getting madly enthusiastic, over such a player a> Paderwvski. and I can understand ppople not enjoying his music a jot. What 1 can't understand is the way in ■which people who are palpably bored contrived to sit through a performance which to them had not one-tenth the

■virtue of a concert given by a fifth7Mr bra-ss band. There tos, for insiancp, the gentleman I observed reading "The Unspeakable Scot." Believe mc, he read it the whole evening. I ouly know the fact because his turning the pages distracted mc as I listened to the mu.~k-. There was another gentleman behind mc who contented himself with novel arrangements of his programme, finishing up. in a crackling which harmonised beautifully with the music of Schumann's Carnival, with The construction of an admirable barber"?; pole. Now, 1 cannot blame a man for reading '"The Unspeakable Scot;" and still less can I blame him for making a barber's pole. But in lhe first place why does a man elect to pay such a price to do things which otherwise, can be done. at. an insignificant cost? And why do they do them, granted thpy must be done, iv a manner so conspicuous and unmistakable? That is what is beyond my understanding.

So the kauri is doomed. Within eight or ten years, if itll that Major Lusk 1011.-, us is true, the kauri will he nearly iii extind a= the ruoa. Within the nrst twenty years people will talk ;ibout ha.vinir seen a kauri in the tone that people use in England in spring m. hen lhey have heard the first nightingale or the first cuckoo. Our chiluren will know no more about the kauri than they know about the. Dodo, and one of the most splendid and picturesque - not to add most valuable— of our ji.—i-ts will have passed over to the ••Urcat Beyond." It is not at all a Tlr-a.-ant prospect. I wish to remark i.hat I have no K.T.C. shares, and when you come to the new timber i ions, or the momentous qnpstiori of '•bleeding" trees, I am absolutely impartial. But even I know that the kauri lias been worth more than many gold mines to Auckland. And though 1 never made a penny out of them mv self. I look upon kauris with reverent :idmiration. There is no other tree in New Zealand or Australia that presents anything like so majestic an appeara-noe. or produces such an impression of di<* nity and power as the kauri. I wonder why Government, in ite beneficent dqesnt plant kann f or the enlk-hten aunt of future generations as to the B»fc yteries of cur forest*. tL

who have taken the 'trouble to grow kauriri say that though they run up very slowly, they make a very impressive show in 23 or 30 yeaxs. I don't suppose -we can save it as a timber tree, or do anything to reforest our devastated kajiri lands; bu:t I think we might do something in the way of preserving this and other relies of our rapidlydisappearing bush, so that the kauri shall he to our descendants something more than an empty name. The bushclad ridges around the Waitakerei Fall 3 are worth preserving if only for the sake of their kauri. But. there!—what

good does it do to complain? What can you expect of people who let the Whakarewarewa Maori house go "to point a. moral or adorn a tale* , for- t.hp henefil of foreigners who don't know a "mere"' from a 'taiaha"! Tt makes one very angry to think t>f these things. aad so I suppose they ou«*h*t- to be avoided in a column that is always ostentatiously devoted to humour. l)o you know the latest panacea for all [ (ho physical ills that flesh is heir to? Do j you know what one of the greatest Eng- I lisli reviews recommends for a sluggish ; liver and a deficient circulation, for all I the maladies that beset an over-civilised I I community? It. is not Beeehway's Pills ! nor the expensively harmless electric ■ belt: nor massage, nor bare feet, nor ; vegetarianism, nor early rising, nor cold i bath.?. "The National Review" is far I ■ above any such frivolity. No: calmly. | \ impartially and in all seriousness it puts j before the world the healthful, noble and i ■ dignified occupation of skipping. It de- i j votes half a dozen of its most precious j ! pages to demonstrating the immense j I value of this practice in comparison with I other hygienic pursuits. 1 did not de--1 vote a lengthy period to the perusal of ; this thesis, for I did not feel that my humour at the moment fitted with the J seriousness of the theme. But I gather!ed that any of us might skip provided I that our hearts -were pretty sound, and ithat we observed the proper times and ! seasons of the exercise. I look (o seeing the same progress with this novelty as that made by ping-pong, and look forI ward with much pleasure to the contemplation of my elderly friends disporting themselves upon the tennis lawn with their skipping-ropes, happy in 1 ho consciousness of their rejuvenescence. Meantime I am waiting for the practice to become popular before summoning up courope to enter a toy shop and"buy tile necessary apparatus. Like noodles and cotton, it is a purcha.se that the simpje bachelor prefers to make by proxy. ********** Another little coincidence—something in the way of corroborative evidence on the line- , of a comment T made sonio limp ago about the pay of our school teacher.-. It appears that Stratford— which, as my readers probably know, is a most up-to-date town, with electric li>-'ht and all sorts of fin-de-sieelo conveniences—has lately built unto itsolf nn abattoir. Xow. the public .-lrvntrliterhousp demands a public slaughterman, and to that end the city fathers of Stratford have duly advertised in the. "Bntter Country" newspapers. The point of the story, however, is the. amount of the salary attached to this position. Two pounds a week, did you say? My dear sir. you evidently don't, know the value of a public slaughterman. Three? pounds a week, did T hear? My good friend, it's clear that you underrate the dignity and the selfrespect of the town of Stratford; and I had better relieve your suspense at once. Two hundred guineas a year and a free bouse, gentle reader! Think of that —£210, with, say. M 1 a week added for the house—at least £2tiO sterling in all! ! How many literary men, how many journalists, how many highly educated people in any walk of life in this colony are sare of £5 a week? And how many teachers —this is where my previous remarks come in—how many teachers, who have to spend years of their lives in passing examinations and getting certificates, and then spend the rest of them in doing the most valuable and important public work that anybody ever has to do—how many teachers in New Zealand draw £5 a week? As I said before, out of all the thousands of men and women teaching in our public school only (50 get as much as ,€3OO a year; and* over 80 per cent, of them draw only \t "living wage" —enough to live on, and not enough to save out of. Really this Stratford slaughterhouse is a magnificent institution, and the contemplation of it has caused mc to wonder if, after all. I may- not have missed my vocation. I don't wonder that a "Taranaki Herald" correspondent wants to know why parents give their sons an expensive high' school and university education to qualify for £100 a year, and "a bunk in the school porch," while affluent and distinguished careers like that of custodian and operator at the Stratford abattoirs are open to v? all.

T hear there is great trouble among the Irish people in Chicago over the naming of an orang-outang, "Miss Dooley." In fact, Miss Ma-ry Dooley, daughter of a prominent Irish family in the city, has authorised the societies to use her name as plaintiff in the petition for an injunction to give the matter standing In court, while the Oan-na-Oael baa actually met on

the matter and asked for an injunction. But in the first instance they decided to ask tlte keeper of the Zoo to change ■the ape's name. This that gentleman absolutely refused to do. '"She was christened "Miss Dooley' aboard ship, and 'Miss Dooley' she shall remain. If she had a Teutonic cast of countenance

I should not hesitate to honour Kaiser Wilhelm by naming our new pet afteT him." But she hadn't a Teutonic cast of rountenace. And here I hardly need to point out to you the insultin? implication that while the lady had not a Teutonic cast of countenance, she hail an appearance in keeping with her Hibernian name. You can imagine that that was not held to be oil upon the troubled waters. I shudder to think of its effect upon the representatives of a not imperturbable race. All I hope is that some of them will not resort to the extreme measure of the lady who identified herself with the ••Notorious Mrs Ebbsmith." and made her quietus with a letter explaining that the title of Mr Pinero's play wa.s the occasion of her decease. Of course, it is not quite so bad to be like an ape a= to be like Mrs Ebbsmith. but with uncertain wits I fear that either might prove a source of danger. Well, I suppose these stories have their morals for us, too (or I wouldn't tell you them). Especially if the Smiths and the. Browns and the Joneses be.gin taking exception to all their counterfeit presentments in art and literature and nature. Auckland would be bereft, of some of its most charming inhabitants. Unless one is the only Jones, or the unique Smith (a la circus), it is perhaps safer to regard these infringements of the copyright in our naraf come c<jua.nuuitv.