MERRIER MOMENTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXXV, Issue 205, 27 August 1904, Page 10

MERRIER MOMENTS

"And who led the mutiny in the\kii. chen?" "Oh, the general, of course.' "Well," said the monkey to the irgtij. grinder as he sat on the top it t_» organ, "I'm simply carried away with the. music." \ "Here's a riddle for you. Wheuis aq actress not an actress?" "When ihe*» a star."' "Guess again." Give itjutt.* "Nine limes out of ten." Chollie: "Don't you think it w_i_| be a noble thing for you to do W your wealth to establish a home forlthe feeble-minded?" Miss Box: "Oh,'* Sappe, this is so sudden!" ~ The man who is always wishing fc» were dead is sure to be the first to ri|| for the door of a theatre at the cry%| fire - A horn for motor-cars will shortly be placed on the market. It will pity' a few bars of the "Dead March" is "Saul" when sounded. "And phwat's become of your daugfc. ter, Mrs Rooney." "Well, Mrs MulS. gan, she was that useless entoirely tint I sent her out as a lady-help." '•Tommy," .aid his penurious unclt, "how would you feel if I were to gin you a penny?" "I think," Tommy, "that I would feel a little fair| at first, but I'd try and get over it." | _________ it. Doctor: "Do I think I can cure yous catarrh? Why, I'm s\ire of it." Patient: "So you're very familiar witV the disease?" i Doctor: "I should say so! I've hat it myself all my life." "What's the matter?" asked the law yer's friend. "Been in a railway accident ?" "No. I had a jury case thi other day, anil in arguing it I bor» s strongly upon the theory that my client; ■was a fool rather than a criminal.'' ""Yes?" "I did it so well that he wail acquitted and met mc outside." _______ Charles Dudley Warner lived in Hart ford, next door to Mark Twain, upon, whom he called one day and invited hi_a to a walk. The humorist was inclined to refuse the invitation, whereupon;, Warner cited Scriptural authority in. support of his request, quoting Matthew v. 1: "And whosoever -hall compel thee to go a mile, go with him, Twain.'* Stranger: "I noticed ycr advertisement in the paper this morning for -_| man to retail imported canaries." Proprietor of Bird Store: "Yes, sir. Are you looking for a job?" Stranger: "Oh, no; I merely had a curiosity to know; how the canaries lost their tails." -i WHICH WAY. Master; Why, Pat, you hare put th_ saddle the wrong way on the horses back. Pat: Well, shure, sir, you did not tell mc which way you were going. TAKING NO RISKS. Customer (ordering a suit): "I want a material that doesn't show the dust. I expect to go to the races a good bit next summer." Tailor (cautiously): "I presume you have no ohjection, sir, to paying cash down?"- > • PAT AND HIS DEATHPLACE. Pat: "Shure, I'd give £50 to know tha spot I'd die __?' Mike: "Arid shure, what good would that do you?" Patt, "Bedad, I'd never go near it." APPLYING THE FINAL TEST. At last, after years of search, Diogenes gave it up. "No " he said, "there is no such thing as an honest man. Every mother's son of em will beat the train company ou. of a ride if he can!" Signalling to the conductor to stop ttta car, he got off at the Reservoir. Mt out) his lantern, and went back to his tub. / HER FUTURE HUSBAND. The other evening a young man flailed on his best girl. After they had talke* until they could not think of any mora to say he declared his intention of kissin" her. She was very indignant, an» said she would tell her fetherJl hj*MRemembering the old saying that MBW heart never won fair lady,' he dated, and succeeded in planting a »» *"* where on the fair one's cheek. She ro* Eftilv. and walked into the other room. "Pa." she said, "Mr wants to «• ed with the chance of showing off hit new gun. Taking it from the rack, ha stepped into the drawing-room. ThTyoung man broke four window. i» getting out of the house. THE STRAIGHT TIP. A fond mother and her babe were m* railway carriage, and baby was -.erci* ing its lungs (full orchestra). Irate Passenger :"Why dont .*■ .top that kid "howling? Git* ifc • spanking. It's a nuisance, and yo« ,nd I don't believe m thrashing a «n» on an empty stomach. Irate Passenger: "Well, turn v » then." STRANGE BUT TRUE. There once was a Briton Who handled the reins of v hosa-c- . His brother, however. Said. "Blimy, hit's clever <Ow Hoscar gets round with the ossca THEN ITS A DRAW. « D o you always give in to your Wl» when you and she disagree! "No.'not always." "How do you manage WI "Well, sometimes the n«g come in and we have to drop the ter."