NEWS, VIEWS, AND OPINIONS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXII, Issue 167, 27 July 1901, Page 1

NEWS, VIEWS, AND OPINIONS.

What happened really was this: It wa3 the evening of one of those days when we were visited by an exceptionally heavy rainfall, and when the policeman was going his round at night he discovered a young man sitting1 by the entrance of the lane that led to bis house slowly divesting himgelf of his wearing apparel. "Hello," exclaimed the guardian of the law, as he turned his bull's eye on the lorn-looking object, "What's up?" "All right, Guvnor," muttered the belated one. "just going to swim home." Then did the kindly policeman gently lead him through the shallow waters ■and deposit him safely at his door, j us t waiting long enough to hear the aquatically inclined young gentleman explain to someone who opened the portal to let him in, "It's all

tight, my dear, had to; save a policeman's lift' wllo was nearly being drowned. That's what made me late." The recent rains have been answerable for a good many things.

Behold the child, by nature's kindly

pieSd With a rattle, tickled with a gome^lveller plaything gives his youth A little louder, but as empty quite.

Thus wrote Pope in his essay on man, singing of children in general. If he had lived to-day he might have framed those lines with a real baby model—a baby immortalised by the medical papers as a "curious case" from St. Thomas' Hospital. An miant phenomenon—a fifteen-months - old prodigy-has swallowed a ladys Tiatpih six inches long, and lives. He Btooct upon a chair to do it, placing lie hatpin head foremost in his mouth. He fell from the chair, and He pin, probably from striking the wound, was pushed down his throat. •His mother tried to pull it out, but "pushed it further in. At the hospital 'science dealt roughly with him. Ihey subjected him to harsh indignities. Baby's little inside was opened by the doctors, and out came the hatpin '■which he had taken such pains to swallow. Now baby is quite well again. '

The fact that a Toledo young woman is seeking by process of law to have a Toledo young man enjoined from making love to her opens up a new field oi possibilities to the student of American social life. >v°er; ever the injunction has been called Into requisition heretofore it has proved to be a quick and effective legal remedy for all manner of business troubles, corporate and individual. But this is the first time, we believe, that it has been employed to determine, to regulate, or to disturb the private and tender relations which now and then exist between mankind and womankind. Ordinary measures Sj,e. usually effective in discouraging the most ardent wooer if his attentions prove unwelcome. But everything must have a beginning, and if the Toledo young woman achieves a 'stimning legal victory the injunction 'erarfe is likely to spread.

"My face is my fortune " said the milkmaid, and a certain French conscript can truthfully repeat her remark, though not in the sense the lady of the .milk pans reckoned. Brought before the Council of Bevision at Nimes, though his constitu ; tion and physical development were admirable, he was of §an ugliness so appalling that the Council could not withhold a cry of amazement. Forgetting the young man's presence, tne Council fell to a heated discussion as to whether the laws which regulate the physical standard requisite for service could be stretched to exclude abnormal ugliness. Finally, they came to the conclusion that the new conscript must awake such mirth m the ranks as to injure discipline. The young- man accordingly was dismissed, not wholly displeased with his ug-iy mug, which has saved him three years' , unpleasant drudgery.

The "Kreuz Zeitung," of Berlin, recently published a charming little yarn "on the authority of a gentleman left Johannesburg six weeks ago." He stated, says the German journal mentioned, that the Boers "pay almost 'daily visits to Johannesburg, where they affix their proclamations on walls of houses. Still more strange, in the immediate vicinity of Johannesburg almost daily frictions occur between .English regulars and colonial troops. Thus about six weeks ago a battalion of colonials were in the field against a battalion of English regulars, and besides firing at one another with ball cartridges a gun was eveh brought into play. The friction was caused by the officers of the English army looking down on the colonial officers (who have for the most part been chosen by their own men), regarding them as not their equals, and treating them accordingly. This has long caused much annoyance among the colonials." The correspondent who is responsible for the appearance of this precious information in an English paper appends this delightful caution: "I give the above with due reserve." That was really good of Mxa. , One might have swallowed the tale but for the correspondent's tag.

Bashfulness is certainly not the >i characteristic of a certain rural post*an of Hungerford, whoa few days '•go happened to be on the station platform there at the same time as 7General Buller. "I have read a good hit about you, sir," said the genial postman, holding out his hand, "but ( I never had the pleasure of seeing you /before." Sir Kedvers, recognising the I kindly feeling which prompted this •act, shook hands with him heartily. '"And this is your missus?" continued man, turning to Lady Buller, "and /this" (to Miss Buller), "I suppose, is a .WJghter? I be so glad to see 'cc aH>" he concluded In his broad Berkshire dialect, after shaking hands with "efich. The general seemed to enjoy and gave the man something to drink their healths with before bidding him farewell.

The age of miracles apparently is not yet past. The impossible is made possible—if we are to credit the New York correspondent of a contemporary. Professor Johnson, of Kansas University, is "reported" to have discovered a process by means of which "kuller'd pussons" can be converted into white people. The method seems to be simple enough. All that is done is to inoculate the ambitious negro, or negress, with the blood of an Albino. "With astonishing results," according to our informant, Professor Johnson has already brought his theory irto .practice. Of course, we are a little sceptical; but people are always sceptical at first, and it is not wise to be too emphatic in one's protest ngn-inst "reported" occurroTieos. even though I 1'*;,- arc as improbable as that the income tax authorities should forgot n* in their yearly snrvev or that the landlord should pass us by when he calls for his week's rent. Is the noffro to be no longer distinguished; by his colour? We wait further "reports" with interest.

The "Cape Argus" has a good story about the last Derby. Russian names are somewhat difficult to pronounce except by Russians, says the writer. Consequently the winner of the Derby has for some time past been known in sporting circles us •'Bottle of Whisky," which is supposed to be the nearest approach to Volodovski. And so it happened that when the veteran toper was gazing sadly at the vanished contents of his last glass he bethought himself to inquire of some smart-looking turfites who* had won the classic race. "Oh," replied one of the crowd, "Bottle of Whisky." The toper recoiled as though he had been struck, but quickly recovering, exclaimed "Can it be true; my strong favourite for the last forty years; won at last!" Then he staggered, fell, and expired. The police are unacquainted with the circumstances, and no inquest will be held in due course.

"Music hath charms," even when one is in the hands of the dentist. So. at least, a Paris dentist is proving to his own satisfaction. Patients under the influence of anaesthetics being liable to disagreeable sensations "resembling those experienced in nightmare," he has hit upon the idea of soothing away everything unpleasant by means of music. The experiment has been tried, with such success that it may be tried with more serious surgical operations. A3 to where the music is to come from, even a fashionable dentist can hardly be expected to keep a band on .the premises; but one invention aids another, and a powerful phonograph is all that is required. Thus, it is gravely stated, »"a usually trying operation becomes quite pleasant." And yet, in spite of these attractions, an ungrateful public will continue to postpone its visits to the dentist as long as possible!

Many and various are the baits that have been used of recent years to attract people to church —catchpenny subjects, borrowed from handbills of the scrap-bag weeklies, buffoonery, fruit-and-flower services, literary lectures instead of sermons, brass bands, and invitations to attend in eveningl dress. Until recently evening-dress services were the very latest metropolitan inducement to the devotionally-minded, and Mayfair responded by attending eveningdress services as zealously as if they had been a new and fashionable race meeting, or the very latest supplanter of Bridge. An East-end clergyman has hit on something as attractive locally as evening-dress services are in the West. It is iced coffee. To those who sat out the service held on Tuesday evening, iced coffee was served in the vestibule on departure. The Rector of St. Mary-at-Hill has great faith in the virtue of extraneous attractions, for this iced coffee had a3 its forerunners exhibitions of sacred art by means of the electrophote, and 'recitations and music from an instrument known as the monsterphone. With magic lanterns, gramophones, and1 iced coffee, the church of Mary-at-Hill must be a formidable rival to the local musichalls; and the Rector hopes, by turning his church on week-days into a theatre of varieties, to beguile young men away from the publichouse. When the Rector's present resources begin to pall on his congregation, perhaps he might enlist theVmpathies o f Dan Leno, Herbert Campbell, and other comedians for "short, bright services" during the hours when the public-houses are open on Sunday.

Multifarious are the tricksters 'who, desiring to live without work and at ■other people's expense, manage to cozen the honest portion of the community into parting- with its cash, but few are co gruesomely ingenious as Charles' Woodward. Charles, who is thirty-four, and of solemn aspect, saw the opportunities afforded by the pomp and circumstance of woe, and took advantage accordingly. Arrayed in crow-like black he announced himself as an undertaker, of Kingston Hill to Mr Edwards, a Twickenham florist, and ordered four funeral wreaths. The order seemed all right, and it was taken. The next day, which happened to be Sunday, Woodward called again, and told the florist that he had a corpse waiting in tne Twickenham mortuary for removal, but could not take it away till he paid the fees." Would Mr Edwards cash a cheque for five pounds? Mr Edwards said it was not convenient. Then, would he lend him ten shillings to pay the fees, and he would call for the wreaths to-morrow? Mr Edwards yielded, parted with the ten shillings, and prepared the wreaths. but Woodward's "to-morrow" never came; neither did he; so Mr Edwards sent a detective to look for him. In a few days he was found, as were some other things, notably that the undertaking business existed only in imagination. In spite of this airy foundation, however, Woodward had found it a solid enough base to erect his frauds on. From a jobmaster he had obtained a carriage to go to Richmond to remove a non-existent corpse and five shillings for fees. Prom another florist, after he had ordered wreaths, he got four shillings to get home to attend an imaginary funeral, he "having lost his purse"; while in another case a grave digger had been swindled. At Middlesex sessions the police proved Woodward's character to be as black as his pretended business. There were fifteen cases against him and a previous conviction, his reward being SO months' hard labour.