RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXIII, Issue 90, 16 April 1892, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

P~ \BY 91

Some write, a neighbour s name lo lash. Some write—vain thought! for needful ca3h, gome write to please the country clash, And raise a din, Fer me, an aim I never fashI write for tun. * And it came to pass in those days, tha_ there wont oub a decree from Ballansonia tho Onester, thab all the people should be taxed. And all went to bo taxed, everyone to his own post - office.' (Revised version.) But when they got there the publicans who sat ab bhe receipt of customs in those places did with ono voice doclare that the councillors and scribes of Wellingtonia, whereat Ballanuonia bhe Onester did hold his courb, wero an unconscionable set of muddlers, for whereas after much sweat of brain and waste of good gaslight, and hop beer, overproof, they had produced a mighty law, in which thore wero preambles and interpretation clauses and sections and sub - sections, exemption clauses and provisos innumerable ; bub thore had not yet arisen any man in the land who could make good English of this marvellous writing or show tho interpretation thereof. And all tho multitude went running hither and thither, and saying unto ono another, ' Dobh Ballansonia bhe Onesbcr moan this, or doth ho mean that?' And no ono could explain this great mystery. * * » » * *• Bub suddenly thore stood forth certain lawyers of the city of Christ Church, who said that all tho people wero being deceived, inasmuch as this great baxing should nob bake place for another year, and thab Ballansonia tho Onester and his board of muddle-heads mighb whistle for thoir "-crews until March, 1393, whereupon tho people did greatly rojoice, and cried oub : ' Behold, justice ab lasb prevails in the land!' But when the myrmidons ab Wellingbonia heard this sound they did put thoir heads together, and said thus — * Now, wo do perceive that if we any longer wranglo among ourselves about tho meaning of bhis wonderful law, vorily wo shall bo undone. Lot us bhen agreo bo say ib means thus and thus, and terrify the people with threatenings—to wit, thab if they listen to Fisher and Ferriday, of Christ Church, and withhold tho moneys wherewith wo do feed and clotho ourselves in gay apparel and make the people bow down before us, we will lay upon them penalbies and burdens grievous to be borne.' Then were tho people much bewildered, and prayed that Jupitermighbsend them lawgivers gifted with common sense, who wero ablo to write laws which could . not only bo understood by the learned, but | also by the common peoplo. And they ,j-tsaid among themselves, ' Behold, bhis is a law thab is subjecb bo many interpretations, therefore we will construo it to our own advantage.' And every man accordingly neb down such sum as seemed good in his oyes. It was not until I read tho Rev. Mr Chew's explanation of the meaning of the word ' pulpit'thab I fully understood how comprehensive and appropriate it was. Said the reverend gentleman — 'lb is from tho Latin pulpitum, the place where the actors performed their parts.' I could not help thinking thab the word was rightly chosen, for no doubt many preachers do act their part. Take for example the stories thab go the rounds of anniversary services and soirees. Every new man who comes along seems to have laid in bhe same stock, and fires them off under the fond impression that they have never been used there before and will pass current as original. * * * How far some ministers act a parb may also bo guessed from tho following scene thab wa3 witnessed recently ab an outside bethel. Enter a popular parson., who is stopped by an old lady.. A sweet smile spreads over his face as he shakes hands and says, ' Dear me, how glad I am to have met yon, Mrs , ah, ivell now, I nave forgotten your name.' 'Really,' said the lady, 'I don'b think you ever knew it.' * Oh, yes, 1 did,' protested tho pastor, evidently resolved that ho should not be detected in ignorance of the identity of any member of his flock; 'I remember your face at my church.' ' Well, well,' responded the good woman, ' that is a strong confirmation of the theosophista' theory of tho dual body, because I was wholly unaware thab I had ever visited your church in my life. I musb send this facb in to Mr Stead for his next issue of "Real Ghost Stories." Do >ou object bo the use of your name?' Just then tho minister felb a sudden call to move on towards tho platform. * * * * * * * * * Ib is amusing, at the Police Courb, to notice how cunningly members of the legal fraternity change their style to suit the Bench. The lawyer that is offensively bumptious before a couplo of justices, be- ■ comes as mild as a penny cigar when the' venerable head of the R.M. is scon at the deak. By the way, thab same gentleman can occasionally make very caustic remarks. For instance, a lawyer who was conducting a case recently kept openly expressing the opinion that the witnesses called by him had been 'got at' by the other side, simply because they had not seen as much a3 his client thought they had. This at .last aroused tho ire of the opposing solicitor, who drew tho attention of tho Bench to the matter. The R.M. replied quietly that ho had noticed these insinuations and no doubt they were improper, and then he added, " There are solicitors who seom to forget that I am nob a jury, Remarks that would have weight with a jury are wasted with one who has to deal only with the law and the facts.' Thab was rough on both lawyers and jurors. « * * * * * * * * • Discipline in schools is an absolute necessity, and more than one master in the city strives to excel on this point. Occasionally, however, they are perhaps too Eharp, though thab may bo considered a good fault. One trouble of a teacher's life is to put a stop to gushing notes between the elder boys and girls. A couple of weeks ago, however, a stern teacher in the discharge of his duty was placed in a somewhat equivocal position". A letter addressed to one of tho oldor giris fell into his hands. The girl was promptly cent for, and entered the sanctum in a state of nervous trepidation. Handing her tho letter, the teacher said, in a severe voice, ' Open that and read it in my presence.' Tremblingly the envelope was opened, and then, no doubt, a Bmile was hidden by tho dear young creature as she read out these familiar words—'You are an April fool.' What the teacher thought has not been recorded. Perhaps in his inmost heart he agreed with the tvriter. * * » * * * * * * The uuinitiated who read commercial reports are often blocked-by the three letters t f.o.b. A gentleman of an inquiring turn f of mind asked several friouda to ex- | plain those mysterious symbols, and, I, strange to say, they could nob I. do bo. Ab last, ov'j evening ho Rinquired from a meek-looking young

man, who promptly replied, 'Free on board.' 'Well, I never,'" said the anxious inquirer, ' what a blooming old fool I was not to think of that,' ' Yes,' said his charming daughter. • now you have it the other way on, b.0.f., " blooming old fool." ' This was too much, and the man in pursuit of knowledge collapsed utterly, amidst peals of laughter. The proposal to send tho Government steamer Hinemoa across to Australia in order to bring Lord Glascrow, our now Governor, over to New Zealand in regal state, which emanated from the Empire City, savours strongly of the toadyism that is, assertions to tho contrary notwithstanding, ingrained in the nature of a large proportion of colonists. There is absolutely no excuso for incurring tho exponse of sending the Hinemoa over to Sydney, burning coal on a perfectly unnecessary errand, except perhaps to demonstrate to the Australian world that little New Zealand owns a real steam yacht of her very own. If tho Union Company's steamers are nob good enough for His Excellency he had better stay away, bub the proposition of the Hinemoa did not originate with the new representative of royalty, but with the Yvellingbonians, who are evidently willing to move heaven and earth to get Lord Glasgow landed on their wharf first. It is to bo hoped that those in authorfty will keep the Hinemoa quietly at homo, looking after the lighthouses or cleaning buoys—more suitable work for her. A public nuisance, and ono which ought to be cried down, is bho habit seme mothers seem specially addicted to of giving their children cakes and fruit to eat in tramway cars. Nob only is eating between regular meal - times injurious to the digestive organs, bub to havo to sib in a crowded 'bus or car and see a child devouring sticky sweetmeabs ad lib. go tho detriment of its face, hands, clothing, and other people's clothes, is irritating, to say tho leasb of it. Such a caso happened tho other night. A child began whining in bhe tram for somobhing to eat. Immediately the mother producod a bag of assorted dainties (evidently kept lor bho purpose), and presented a sponge cako to her hungry offspring. Of course 'Madam Wilful ' would nob bo satisfied with tho cako, bub craved for bho forbidden fruit, a dirty - skinned, over - ripe banana, and cried till sho gob 1 ib. The grandmother took tho skins as the child peeled them off, and aimed with intent for tho open window behind, butthey missed the mark and fellbobween bho side and a lady'a dross, making a fatal stain on the latter. Meanwhile, the littlo dear was 'squashing' the fruit — • there is no other word—into her mouth, allowing a goodly portion to spread itself over nose and chin, until her appearanco was such as may bo 1 moro oasily imagined than described. Whilo concluding the repaab, she insisted on kneeling upon tho seat to sco tho • ' goe-gees ' go by in the road, and left tlio remainder on tho window pane. Such performances may bo interesting to parents and friends—evidently they aro, since thoy sanction them—but bhoy are certainly nob conducive to polite feeling on the pare of the general public. * * ♦ * * * Tho near approach of the winter sessions i of our mutual improvement societies and Christian Endeavour Associations creates a demand for suitablo topics of discussion. , I would suggest as a seasonable variation from tho time-honoured list that tho worthy . young men and women who form the llower of those societies should tako into their serious consideration the relations subsist- | ing between dress and Christianity. . Can a man, even though he happens to dwell in those ' summer islos of the sea ' to which wo despatch our missionaries, be considered as truly eon- , verted if ho persists in walking about airily clad in a necktie? As Polonius sagaciously remarked to Laertes, ' the ? apparel oft proclaims the man,' and it is | evident from the exertions which a number . of benevolent ladies in our midst aro making to manufacture garments for the heathen, that they consider tho garb of Adam and Eve in tho Garden of Eden as ■ nob fully atoned for by the innocence with , which it is worn. 1 Now, I confess thab a crowd of grown-up ' seekers after knowledge, attired after the fashion of the Greek slave, is a factor in ' missionary life which necessarily has its embarrassments, and thab such unconven- ! tonalities aro indeed not to be thought of or tolerated outside of a picture gallery, where studies in tho nude seem to be in ; favour. But the question arises—and it is hero where the intellect of our debating societies may be employed with most excellent effect — what quantity of dross is necessary to bring a man within the pale of civilisation and Christianity ? If a pair of calico trousers and cotton shirb will suffice for a humble member of bho primitive congregation, ought an elder or a deacon to sport a suit of broad cloth and a silk hat? Sir Arthur Gordon, who was an active Christian, and is well acquainted with the habits of darkskinned races, activoly discouraged theadoption of European clothing by theFijians. He maintained that a good dressing of cocoanub oil, after the fashion of their forefathers, was the best covering they could have, and with the addition of a sulu, or loin cloth, would suffice for all purposes. • The present Governor of Fiji holds to the same opinion. It is on record, in connection with early missionary work in this colony, that at one station the missionaries took tho 'savages' out of their old, healthy life and out them into European clothes. A tendency to consumption was not long in developing and attracting notice. They dropped the clothes and tho complaint disappeared. The fact is, thab aboriginal races do not understand how to use European clothes. They are careless in their habits, go oub into the rain and geb drenched through, and bhen lie aboub in their wet garments. Colds and rheumatism are an inevitable consequence. ■* * * * * * * * * According to a lady correspondent, however, certain well-meaning ladies must have very exalted notions of tho wants of the heathen in the matter of attire. I suspect, however, thab the supposed dialogue which she sends me is highly imaginable. Hero ib is :— MrsG. : Will you come bo bho mooting, MrsM. ? MrsM.: Whab meeting ? Mrs G. : Why, bhe mission meeting of course. Mrs M. :' What do you do there ? Mrs G. : Do, Mrs M. ! How can you ask ? We clothe the heathen, wo make (besides under garments), dresses of all sorts. For the matrons, afternoon and tea-gowns ; tor the young ladies, ball-costumes —plain and fancy dress; and for the children, embroidered pinafores and pantaloons not long enough to hido thoir littlo legs. Everything is designed from the latest Paris"fashion plates. Tho men we provide with tail-coats and belltoppers. You sco, my dear Mrs M., it is impossible to Christianise a savage race and not create a necessity for civilised attire. Wo _ aro endeavouring to the utmost of our ability to supply that need. Mrs M. : What | materials do you principally send down to j the islands? Mrs G. : Silks, of course— moiras, pongees, and brocades for the j members of tho elite society. Tho ordinary women have to be content with nuns' veil- j ings and flowered delaines. Wo fol- j low tho samo rule in hats. Ribbons, ] < tips, and pon-pons tako tho placo of ostrich feathers for the lower classes, Mr 3 M. : Do they go bare-footed ? Mrs G. . (horrified): Certainly not. To bo sure, ! their everyday shoes are only leather, but ;

%ye make an effort to supply kid ones for Sundays. Gloves we always send of the latter quality — ' Josephine' make they prefer—ranging from four to sixteen buttons. Our means being limiced, we cannot, of course, exceed do any great extent tho actual, necessities of life, but we contrive now avid again to ship a few luxuries to tho I poor people —Eau de Cologne, fancy handkerchiefs of Maltese lacs/ etc. Mrs M.: These aro all in connection with fertile toilettes. What else do you send the men? Mrs G. : Oh, we appoint a special committee of gentlemen to look after each department. You see thoy understand so much better the hundred and ono requirements of their own sex. Mrs M. :Do you not find all this expensive '.' Mrs G. : Woll, yes, ib is rather expensive : but we send round subscription lists to defray costs, and though these do nob meet with as ready a response as we should desire, we hopo for speedy improvement. Our Christian communities will become mere liberal as they realise more fully tho blessed ties of Christian brotherhood betwixt them and these poor heathen. Let us pray that their eyes bo quickly opened. Now you will coma to the meeting, Mrs M. ? MrsM. : Really, Mrs G., lam sorry to disoblige, you but the print dress I am making for my little girl—her best summer ono—must be finished bySunday, and there is not much time. Good morning.' 'An Indignant Ratepayer' writes: — 'Dear Zamiel, —In tho last number of your interesting "Random Shots" you drew the attention of the blissfully ignorant to the illegality of the City Council charging upon property-owners half the cost of asphalting the public footpaths. You say that thero have been thousands of pounds illegally so charged, which is wrong enough to the unknown ones without tho aggravation that J. happened upon while coining down Waterloo Quadrant on Saturday laab. The repairing of tho asphalted footpath of that street has boon tho opportunity for a display of crass stupidity or of wilful vandalism. As anyone knows in this city of asphalted paths, a foundation is always laid at some exponso prior to tho other.operations in tho forming of theso paths, which, as a foundation should be, is durable and will last intact, while the upper layers only need replacing from timo lo time. Well, in the repairing of the footpath in Waterloo Quadrant, this foundation lias been removed at soino considerable exponso of time and labour and deposited by tho way for removal. Who is. responsible for this ignorance and wilful waste? It has always boon a recommendation of asphalting that tho foundation rare'y or never needs replacing, and that to keep the paths in repair but a littlo top-dressing is all that is necessary. But hero ivc havo that foundation unnecessarily removed, and that which had been laid at considerable expense has been destroyed with great labour, and thrown by tho way as useless. Tho footpath has been patched up in a disgraceful manner, and, in consequence of the inequality of tho foundation by this ignorant blunder, presents to the eye an unsightly series of mounds. In this lime of depression, sir, ie is hard enough for the property-owner to meet his fair sharo of tho rates necessary for tho conduct of civic affairs, without this needless and wilful aggravation. Surely tho Mayor | or Town Clerk, or whoever is responsible, cannot be cognisant of what has beer. done. Perhaps this timely protest may bo the means of preventing a repetition of this waste. —1 am, etc., In digs-ant Katei-aykk.' i