RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXII, Issue 247, 17 October 1891, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS

ZAMIEUT

Some write,' a neighbour s name to lash. Some write—vain thought! for needful cash. Some write to please the country clash, And raise a di n. Forme, an aim I never fash — I write for fun. The Eng-resk genii who preside over the destinies of the colonial press cable messages are evidently in sad need of a little wholesome instruction in the gentle arb of telling the truth occasionally. I have aeldom seen such a farrago of absurdities and contradictions in print in the daily newspapers as bhe cable messages which have appeared during the lasb month or so« No matber whab the subjecb, the man ab the obher end of the cabling organisation seems to get his facts and information in wrong way on, and it is usually prebby safe to look for a specific denial of a cablegram in the nexb day's prinb. From China bo Peru, or rather bo Chili, or from Turkey to Behring Sea, bhe intelligent persons who are entrusted with the task of furnishing a correct accounb of bhe world 1 - doings bo the colonies seem to geb nothing right, and what they do happen to be accurate in is usually a silly item of not the slightest consequence to one colonial in ten thousand. The New Zealand or Australian public are hardly sufficiently interested in British Courb doings to care about a thrilling account of how a water-tap burst in bhe Royal dining-room, and created well-bred consternation amongsb the titled diners, or whether the labesb Batten berg brat is _o b_ named Victoria or Bridget Ann ; bub ib really does like bo read inbelligenb and important items of European news. If the cable agents wore only to show a little more discrimination and common sense, and a decent knowledge of the exigencies of journalism, the foreign news columns of the newspapers would be infinitely more satisfactorily filled. * # * * * * * * * .As a mystifying example of contradictory cablegrams—for which, let us charitably hope, the belegraphic agents are nob albogebher responsible—take bhe recent cables in the newspapers regarding the revolt in Guatemala, South America. All in one day the following cables were printed throughout Australasia: — "The alleged Guatemala revolt is all a hoax." "President Barillas denies thab there is any revolution proceeding in Guatemala." •' An engagement between Government and rebel troops took place yesterday 40 miles from the capital." " The President of San Salvador will assisb the Guatemala insurgents." "The Presidenbof San Salvador does nob intend bo assisb bhe insurgent troops." "General Barillas, Presidenbof Guatemala, is making for the coast, in the hope of escaping by sea." "The revolt in Guatemala is officially denied." Now from this amazing mass of contradictions and countercontradictions one is almost bempted to assume that there is no such place as Guatemala ab all. Cerbainly, I am yeb unable bo come to a conclusion as to whether there was any revolt there, and I don't know thab other newspaper readers are leas hazy in their ideas after perusing the cable messages. By bhe way, speaking of cablegrams, an amusing blunder was perpetrated in a good many New Zealand newspapers in connection wibh the accounb of the recent Chilian war. Ib was gravely stated that the numbers of the slain lofb on the field after the final battle near Valparaiso were so great that they could nob bo buried, therefore they would bo cremated at Nexo Yo. 7_ ! * * * * * * * * * " General" Booth, the man of the hour, will be here nexb week, and the voice of bhe Salvationist and the boom of the big drum will be heard throughout the length and breadth of the land. I cannob exactly predict what sorb of a reception the General will receive in Auckland, that is, outside of his own peculiar sect. In Australia he seems to have been the lion of the day, and seems to have liked it, too. His lectures and addresses on "Darkest England " and obher topics have been rushed to by thousands, while the Salvation Army, to a man and woman, have gone wild wibh religious delirium over his presence amongst them. The head of the Salvationists has, from all accounts, a pretby keen eye bo bhe main chance, and he has, while regenerating bhe world, done very well from a worldly poinb of view. The reporbs of his arrival ab Melbourne the other day from England gave an extraordinary account of the remarkable pitch of fervour ..r which his worshippers worked themselves up. One aged " lass " died from religious joy in the crush ! Apart from considerations of. the undoubtedly immense amount of good done throughout the universe by the work of the Salvation Army, ib is very questionable whether the General will rind the colonies in favour of hia pauper emigration scheme. In Australia the concensus of opinion is decidedly averse bo the proposal, and accordingly tho General has given forth that he prefers to establish his " Darkest England " homes in the Argentine and Brazil. Considering tho probable character of bhe bulk of proposed immigrants, however, ib is doubtful whether those countries would care to admit them. Cerbainly bhe colonies should object to being made a dumping-ground for the scum of the London streets, as they object to the admission of Chinamen. Probably bhe latber would, in nine cases oub of ten, bo bhe more desirable settlers of the two. In bhe meanwhile, leb us waib for what the General himself has to say aboub it. * * * * * » * * . * Commissioner Maxwell has come up from Wellington, bo deal wibh deparbrnenbal mabbers in. connection wibh existing railway lines—at least, thia is whab lie haa told the reporters. I have a strong suspicion, however, bhab Mr Maxwell has come hither" to try and convert us to Ins way of thinking in respecb of tho North Island main trunk railway Bo " was never more astonished in his lite " than when he found with what unanimity the Auckland people had determined to go for the Stratford route for connection with Taranaki, and, seeing that Mr Maxwell is strongly antagonistic to this idea, ib does seem a somewhat remarkable coincidence thab he should have appeared upon thescene jusb now. In conversation with one of the reporters Mr Maxwell said he " supposed the Auckland people wero open to conviction." Just so, and Mr Maxwell intends to convince us thab we are wrong, if he can. If Mr Maxwell were open to conviction there might be some reason for nn interchange of argument, bub Mr Maxwell admibtedly is not so disposed, and he might aa well save himself the trouble of telling us what we havo heard a hundred times already. Aucklanders want communication wibh Taranaki by rail, and they will nob thank Mr Maxwell for any unnecessary interference with them in the achievement of that object. # n # * * * ♦ * '* The employees of a genial tailor and outfitter of Parnell who is ever oa the look-out for the unwary young man, "to have a I look at his patterns," bad a very cruel hoax'

played on bhem this week. They are a sporting set, and some rnonbhs ago it was decided to go into a sweep of Is a week each, the proceeds being devoted to the purchase of tickets for Tabtersall's £10,000 consultation on the Caulfieid Cup. The girls, of whom agoodnumber areemployed, gob wind of the alfair, and being fond of a little gamble on the quiet, they asked leavo_ bo come in. Needless bo say, the permission was readily granted. Time wenb on : the weekly shillings poured in, and when the time came for buying the tickets a goodly sum had been collected. It was duly transmitted and by the next mail returned a regular little roll of tickets. * * _ _ . - * * ' *' Of course, there was great excitement. The girls gob quite erudite about horseracing, and the merits of horses engaged wore freely discussed. Pleasincr were the speculations as to whether they would draw a starter, or even —this with bated breath—a olaoed horse. Imagine then tho state into" which they were thrown, when a telegram was brought in, and the giad words read out, " You have drawn Greygown, tho first favourite." Assuredly, there had never been such news in Parnell before. Ib spread like wild-fire. Dreams of wealth and delight floated before youthful eyes, and some of the super-abundant gladness on tho girls' side found vent in bursts of happy tear? or laughter thab sounded suspiciously hysterical. As for the men, they were less emotional, bub bhey bruited-the good news to some purpose. One member sold his share for £75. * * * * * * * * * Bub after two days of rejoicing ib was discovered bhat tho whole thing was a hoax-. The telegram was only sent from Auckland, but in the excitement of tho moment this had been overlooked. The reaction was very severe. The men merely swore long and deep, but the girls—some of them were very bad. There had been frocks ordered and picnics planned, for ib was felt certain that the favourite would win. There is only one hope of consolation. If tho good thing goes down and bheir horse (tiv.it was) is nob placed, then and bhon o:. y will heartwholeness be restored. * * * * * * * * * Aba time when most churches are complaining aboub small attendance ab services, it is a significant fact bhab a free-and-easy kind -of organisation liko tho Freeman's Bay Helping Hand Mission should be so well patronised thab fully 600 peqple assembled to partake of tea on Monday evening in St. James's Hall. Anyone attending the aftor meeting musb havo been impressed with the enthusiasm manifested by all present. As Brother Jonathan would say, "It seems to be a live consarn." A glauce ab tho faces of many presenb would also convince bhe mosb sceptical thab the Mission had gob hold of the right class of people. The earnest testimonies given by somo of the converts also tended bo show the value of the work done, while throughout the whole meeting there was a heartiness exhibited that stands oub in contradisbincbion bo bhe dead-alive condition shown ab gatherings in mosb churches. Everyone seemed so thoroughly happy thab one mighb have been tempted to forget thab ib was a religious meeting had he nob been reminded by thab unvarying sign—tho collection plate. * * * * # * * * * However, a purely benevolent institution must have funds if ib is to carry on, and if only half the stories related by the workers were true, the donations would be well spent. Jusb imagine an institution that combines" a labour bureau, mothers' meetings, temperance organisations, Bible reading classes, houee-to-house visitation, tree medicine, and medical attendance, clothing for thoso who are scantily clad, rent paid for those out of work, assistance rendered to those who require a few goods to earn a living, and food to bhe starving, in addition to regular religious services, and judge whether plenty of capital is not required. Imagine also whab the result would be if tho numerous religious bodies in our city ran on the same lines ; why, the depression would have to deepen to keep them all going, and New Zealand, instead of being tho paradise of the working-man, would become the paradise of the unworking individual. There is no doubb tho promoters of the Mission gob on tho right linos when they adopted the idea that it's as well to care for men's bodies as their souls. It's ill work listening how to get food for the soul, if the more pressing need io_ food for the body is unpleasantly importunate. * * * * * * * # * A little of tho wisdom of the serpent was shown recently by a worthy cleric in a country disbricb. He had been brying bo run services in a village a few miles away from his own station, bub afterwards allowed them bo lapse. Anobher religious body at once book up bhe work in that village, whereupon bhe former worker entered a strenuous protest againsb his preserves b6ine poached. The intruders ultimately agreed that the two bodies should hold services on alternate Sundays, and clarico No. 1 offered to draw up a plan. This was duly submitted and had nearly been approved, when one sharp brother pointed oub that the first clerico had looked afber No. 1. for bhe plan upon examination showed bhab he had— perhaps by accident—arranged affairs so thab his Sunday always happened bo be a moonlight nighb. I say ib mighb have been an accidenb, bub still, the roads are rather bad in bhab district. # ■■ * * * # # # * * Church federation appears to bo the popular subject for speakers at tea meetings at present. All the ministers profess to be eager for it, and no doubt they are sincere, if only the other fellow will consenb to federate and let his flock swell the collection at anobher church. While all thi3 talk is going on, actual facts show thab the existing churches are nob all aa happy as might be internally. In one denomination a mosb edifying squabble has taken p'.-ce recently with regard to opening a branch establishment in a counbry district. One dear brother wrote such a peppery letter on the subject that those who read ib wero almosb shocked. In anobher denomination where there has recenbly been a splib in bhe church, they opened a meeting a few evenings ago by reading thab passage of Scripture referring -O how good a thing it was to see brethren dwelling-together in unity. Perhaps that was meant for these who had seceded. # * * * * » The greab sea-serponb stories havo been pub completely out of joint in tho colonial press lately by some exceedingly tall whale yarns—of Yankee origin, of course. Every respectable newspaper in New Zealand and Australia has, no doubt, by this time printed the tale of a whale and a Japanese sailor, which appeared a fortnightb or so ago in bhe Star. Ib ran bo tho effect that the Jap, who was named Kiakiaeki or something near it, fell overboard from his ship, which was bound to California from Japan, and was given up for lo3t bub was spoubeel back on to the deck of the vessel half-a-day later by an immense whale. It then transpirod that-he had gone overboard right into the "jaws of death," or rather the jaws of a whale, and 'slipped down .its throat into the stomach, where ho lay, not three days and three nights like his ancient prototype Jonah, but only < twelve hours. Abthe expiration of thab time i tho whale felb sick, being probably un- : accustomed to the feel of a Jap in its i interior, and disgorged, with the result I thab Kiskiaski emerged alive on tho deck of his own ship, bleached bub happy. The veracious American chronicler adds that thisevant is probably unparalleled in the <

annals of m'lcrn hisbory, with which sapienb remark I quite agree. It happened, however, thab by bhe same mail which brought down this yarn from Yankeoland, there arrived another about a whaler, which lost a man overboard off Cape Horn, amongst a school of whales, bub re; covered him some bime afterwards from the sbomach of a slaughtered whale which they were cutting up. The skipper swore him on a portion of a Bible which he happened to have on board, and the hardy son of Neptune—this one was badly bleached, also—deposed, s'help him goodness, that the whale had swallowed him, and he was, when rescued, endeavouring to dig his way out with his knife. It is a wonder that the events were nob considered important enough to cable out to us. w * ■_•■»■ ■ •_• * * * . •_■ These interesting narratives having been published in some of the Southern papers, quite a flood of correspondence "to the editor " has ensued on the subject of modern Jonahs and whales. In one Otago journal I find some douce thick-headed fecot fiercely denying to the extent of half a column the little American fictions, and gravely arguing in a strictly illogical manner againsb the "absurd ignorance" thab led bhe Yankee scribes bo such lengths of lying. He is followed by a joker who solemnly writes as follows": — "To the Editor: Sir, —As some of your readers appear to be incredulous as to the bruth of bhe fish story that appeared in a late issue of your paper re the man Bartley being swallowed by a whale, bhe following yarn", bhe truth of which I can vouch for, may perhaps tend to remove these doubts :— About the year 1845, the brig Hardscrabble sailed from Kingston, Jamaica, bound for a porfcjn British North Amorica, the only passengers being an old creolo lady and myself. One night, when off the coasb of Florida, the ship struck heavily. We had barely time to scramble into the jolly boat before she wenb down. It'was intensely claik. Just before dawn one of. the men exclaimed that we must be near land, as his oar had touched bottom, and immediately afterwards we appeared to glide into a dark cavern. The cook having some matches struck a -light, and cried out: ' Why, I'm blowed if we're nob in a butcher's shop ; there's a big pluck hanging from the roof. I'm bound for a feed, even if it is raw.' Ho took his knife and cub off a huge piece, bub no sooner had he done so bhan we received a sudden shock, and bhe||feib was hove oub inbo brighb daylighb. \Te then found we had rowed right down the throat of an immense whale. The old lady was sitting in the stern sheets, and the impetus given to bhe boab when thrown out caused her to topple over, and she was left behind. She may have been rescued like Bartley, bub I never heard of ib." * * * * * * * * * Thab is nob bad, bub another correspondent capped ib as follows :—" To the Editor: Sir, —I can confirm that whale story in some respects. In the latter end of 1850 I was engaged in the Antarctic Ocean in the American whaler Pride of New York. One morning the stirring cry of ' There she blows,' brought every man to his post. The boat in which I was sent in pursuib was manned by a few thoroughly seaaoned old salbs. Amongst the number was a veritable nigger, one who had all the facial characteristics of his race to what one mighb call an exaggerated extent. We soon pulled alongside, and a harpoon was fixed just about three feeb above bhe tail of a regular good 'un. The whale ab once sounded, and bhe nigger, whose name was Johnston, somehow foulod on the running line, and was carried overboard and disappeared. After paying out some time the sbrain slackened, and we bsgan bo coil in, when bo our chagrin we found ab bhe end of bhe line whab appeared bo be Johnsbon. Although under all the circumstances we would rather have had the whale, we made the besb of a bad bargain and gob alongside. What was our astonishment to find visible all thab parb of bhe whale bo the stern of where the harpoon was fixed, bub all beyond thab apparenbly nothing bub bhe nigger. In spite of all our experience to the contrary ib soon became evident that the whalo, in bhe confusion and hurry of the chase, had made straight for the first available opening, and bub for the harpoon mighb have disappeared bodily in Johnston's moubh. W T e lost no time in extricating our chase from ibs unpleasant predicament, and soon had ib in bhe try pots. The strangest parb of the story is thab Johnston, when he came to himself, was evidently unconscious thab anybhing unusual had happened." * * * * * * «■ * * Thab is sbill better, and its success with the public apparently emboldened another trubh-loving correspondenb to inundate the editor with the following thrilling episode, which, however, concerns a shark, nob a whalo: "Sir, —'E.J.B.V whale story in last night's paper reminds me of a circumstance that occurred aboub thirty years ago, when I was second mate of a large fore-and-afb schooner called the Keziah B. Doolibble, on a voyage from Nanbuckeb to Turks Island. Shortly b_fore our arrival ab the latber poi . we were struck by a heavy squall, which very nearly caused us to turn turtle. As ib was, everything on deck nob made fasb wenb floating off,bo leeward for a cruise on 'its own account, amongst the resb an old sow, which, owing to its being in an interesting condition, had been allowed the free r,un of the deck. However, the craft righted, and we soon arrived ab our destination, very little damage having been done. We discharged cargo, and sailed for Nantuckeb in about ten days, When off Cape Hatteras we tell in with one of the heavy gales with high seas so common in thab quarter, and one big sea came on board and fairly smothered U3. I bhoughb we were bound for Davy Jones's locker, bub the gallant little craft rose like a duck, and as soon as the water ran offire found that an immense shark had been hove aboard, and was hammering away at the deck with its tail as if it would stave it in. When it was killed we heard a strange squeaking sound proceeding from the inside of the fish, and on opening ib oub poppedeleven libtlo pigs, which frisked aboub with bheir bails curled up so tight thab bhey fairly lifted bheir hind legs off bhe docks, while bhe old sow sab up on her haunches and gazed complacently at the gambols of her offspring and grunted with satisfaction. Thab is all." Quite onough, too, I should think. I tremble for that sailor-man's future. # * * * # * * * * Still another writer gives the following hoary shark yarn as original:—"An old sailor died at sea, leaving an only son on board a sorrowing orphan. The deceased was sewed up in a hammock preparatory for sea burial. This was weighted with an old grindstone and an old axe. Then his comrades gathered round in the usual solemn silence wibh reverent faces and bared heads to pay the lasb rites to the deceased. The body was shot overboard, and the son with a cry of anguish darted after it, and clinging to it, sank with ib. Some hours afterwards bhe sailors caught a large shark, which was hoisted on deck. One of the sailors declared bhat he heard scraping sounds coming from the shark's interior, for which ho was promptly laughed at by his comrades. Then thoy cut open bhe shark, and, bo bheir amazement and consternation, they liberated the old man and his son, the former being in a trance only. The old man was turning the grindstone, and the boy was sharpening the axe in order to hew their way oub, the father exhorting his son to ' Go right ahead, Sammy, for all it's worth.' " * u> * * * » - « .# To pub the finishing touch on the whale controversy, I think this little yarn, fresh

from bhe briny deep, should take the cake. Not very long ago, a whaling vessel on a cruise iv bhe Southern Seas came across an immense whale, white with age,. which, after an exciting chase, they succeeded in killing. While cutting ib. up, one of the sailors noticed some marks on one of the ribs, and at once drew the others' attention bo it. Imagine their amazement when upon close .examination ib proved to be the rudely carved name " Jonah." Ib was the identical whale in which the weeping Hebrew prophet had found a temporary lodgingplace long, long ago.