RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XIX, Issue 142, 16 June 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By. Zamiel.]

gSStt^ cash. %Ze write tople.se t^mUT cla.h, rorme,anaimlnever^sh 7oito _

How many noble minds have teen o'er, thrown in the vain attempt to wring a modicum of justice out of the stony-hearted Governments of New Zealand will probably never be known ; but it is my melancholy lot to place upon record several " modern instances," which ought to act as a warning to the army of petitioners who annually go to Wellington "praying," and return cursing! Mr Simon Fraser, the veteran oi Aldershot, is back from his Wellington "mission" thoroughly disgusted with the ways of New Zealand statesman. Simon, about a quarter of a century ago, discovered the West Taien Goidfield, in Otago, and since he stopped pegging out, he has been "pegging in " at successive provincial and general Governments, trying to get the reward which is his due for finding such a richly auriferous country. All that he has got hitherto has been a sum of £30 as part payment; bub he has made up a neat little bill which, with compound interest, tots up to some £5,000, and which he modestly asks the present impecunious Government to settle.

It was in prosecution of this little claim that the Chevalier of Aldershot lately set forth for the Empire City, filled with the pleasures of hope, resplendent in thegarbdf old Gaul, and armed with the bagpipes and a formidable " skean dhu." One df his first acts after arriving was to interview Mr Vincerft Pyke, M.H.R. for Dunstan, who was a member of Otago Provincial Council at the time of Simon's exploit as a goldfinder. Mr Pyke received him pleasantly, presented him with a flower for his button-hole and promised to do what he could to get the claim recognised ; but things did not go right in committee, the genius that engineered tho Otago Central! Railway Bill was unequal to the task of dunning the Government, and Simon's claim has once more been disallowed. The doughty discoverer of the goldfield wished to appear before the committee in person to urge his claim, and if he had been permitted to do so the persuasive power of the bagpipes : and the '' skean dhu" would have the day; but the committee were wideawake and refused to admit him. Though they had steeled their hearts against the calls of justice, they knew that they would not be able to resist the power of music over their savage breasts, and it was that knowledge, more than fear of the deadly dirk, thafc made them exclude the honest Highlander from their conclave. The Burns Club piper will now, I opine, agree with Mr J. Aitkeu Connell, that there are " too few Scotchmen in the colony," for " brither Scots '' would surely never have refused to hear the bagpipes !

Another local petitioner, or inventor, or something of that sort, has experienced that heart-sickness which comes of hope deferred. When he read his doom in the columns of the Star in the fateful announcement that the Government would not recognise his claim to consideration t he was so flabbergasted that he went straight and put himself into a state of beastly intoxication. Having drowned his sorrows effectually, ho proceeded to call fipori an old acquaintance who happens to be'a funeral undertaker, in order to have a sympathetic talk with him. i Entering the front shop, he found that his friend was absent, so he staggered through to the workshop only to find that it too was untenanted. Glancing around and seeing an unfinished coffin lying handy, the thought flashed into his befuddled brain. " I'll get into the blooming casket and give George a jolly good fright when he comes in!" He tumbled into the shell, and the potent poison so o'ercrowed his spirit that he was soon to all appearance fit for nailing down—being, in fact, dead drunk, and totally unconscious. In this ghastly bed he snoozed away for over an hour, and was ultimately discovered by a little daughter of the undertaker's, who, on seeing him, rushed off screaming to her mother. The lady, fortunately, was not easily eca:red; she seized tho poker, and boldly entering the workshop, called on the intruder to clear out, under pain of getting his skull cracked. He cleared with difficulty, for he is an elderly individual, and he found it was not so easy getting out of the narrow bedchamber as it had been to get in. Lest an injury should be done toaworthycitizen'i I hasten to add that the aged hero of this true adventure was not the Ldrd High Executioner of Auckland.

A somewhat remarkable paragraph, referring to the Auckland Athenseum, appeared in a daily paper this week. It was stated inter alia that " Ladies cian be enrolled as members at a yearly charge of 10s 6ii, but the wives, daughters, and sisters of members will only be required to pay 5? annually.1' From this it would appear that the female relatives of members are not considered to be " ladies," and (in consideration, I suppose, of that unfortunate disability) are allowed to get off with an easier rate of subscription. This extraordinary paragraph went on to state :—" The first paper of the season will be read in the club-room oh Thursday evening, June 21st, by Dr. Girdlef. 'The subject, "The Nature and Physiology of Shrews," should command a large audience." I should think it would, and I might add a most indignant audience. Fancy inviting lady members to pay-10s 6d, and"the sisters and the Cousins and the aunts of male members to pay 53, and then treating them to a dissertation on "Shrews." Beshrew me! Dr. Girdler will have a bad quarter of an hour if he attempts the "Taming of the Shrew," or an explanation of her physiology, before an enraged audience of Auckland ladies, who are none of them shrews !

A correspondent writes: — " VVill • Zamiel' be kind enough to tell his readers the correct pronunciation of' The Pall Mall Gazette ?' A pair of gloves Or a new hat awaits the result." "Zamiel's" straight tip is that the sentence should be pronounced aS if spelled "Tha Pell Mell Gazebfc." If it is all the same to my querist, I would rather have the hat than the gloves. Send ib on by parcel post, please.

Pastor Muller is still iti our midst, discoursing on the power of prayer; bub I question if in all'his experiences be has a more remarkable instance of answered prayer than that recorded in ah English religious periodical. .A preacher at Trnro is said to have told, in the course of a sermon, how, whilst travelling along the Cornish coast, near Morwenstow, he bethought him that he had a shocking bad hat, and that he would very much like a new one before he entered the smart watering place of Bude. "Then I lifted up a prayer for a covering more suitable to my head. At that solemn moment I raised my eyes and saw in the spacious tirmamenb on high—the blue ethereal sky—a black spot. It approached, ib largened. It widened, and fell at my feet. Ib was a brand new nab by a London maker. I cast my battered beaver to the waves, and walked into Bude with a new hat on my head."

([ hn ji&iiWM-, I wonder if that new hat for Zamiel " will come floating down in some such mysterious fashion. The story, as I

have narrated it, is quite as miraculous as the dropping oi gifts ranging- from a dinner to £10,000 into the hands of Pastor Miiller in answer to prayer ; but the sequel rather spoils the yarn. However, as I believe in giving " the whole truth," here goes. Another clergyman, Hearing of his brother's pennon on "A Remarkable Answer _to Prayer," wrote to the secular press, telline how he was walking along a cliff on the self-same coast when a gust of wind blow his hat down on to the sands. He was unable to go in pursuit, but he followed with his eyes°the flight of his chapeau, and saw it appropriated by the pious and prayerful gentleman below, and he naively adds : — " The rascal was conveniently deaf to my shouts, and ho has still got my hat." No names are given in the newspaper from which I extract this moral story ; but I think I ara safe in saying that the gentleman who lost the hat was not Pastor Miiller.

While on religious topics, I may relate a true incident that took place in an Anglican Church in this city on Sunday evening last. In the forenoon, two childron had inadvertently left a costly Bible and prayerbook in their mother's pew. In the evening the mother went to church, but found her pew occupiod. Sho noticed a lady using her books, and of course did not then claim them, intending to take them home as;ain at the conclusion of the service. Judge of her astonishment, however, when she heard the woman's companion gay. " Take them home with you." She then watched tho woman, wlio deliberately pocketed tho books and made for the door. The owner promptly followed the absent-minded person, and when they got outside demanded her books, telling the woman straight that she had them in her pocket. Upon tins the books were handed over to their owner and the devout worshipper speedily disappeared amongst the crowd.

It was doubtless wrong to crush out tho pious and prayerful aspirations of thoso ladies in that summary fashion.; but even the Christian Church is not yet ripe for practical Communism, and'ChristianHcharity does not go the length of allowing kleptomaniacs to enjoy the fmits of their appropriations. It would be an interesting inquiry, following out my last week's rellections on criminal impulse, to find out the extent to which this new and painful disease is prevalent among church-goers ; because if the love of stealing is not eradicated by doctrinal stuffing, what is the use of cramming that litttle wretch at Kohiinarama withWesleyanorany otherdoctrine? I fear the viceis widespread, for atadissenting church last Sunday night the pastor stated that the previous Sunday evening a good umbrella belonging to a missionary had by some means been taken away and replaced by a much older one. Such mistakes are of course common at places of amusement, but they should nob occur ab chul-ch. Perhaps, however, the owner of the old umbrella had been praying for a new one, and accepted the missionary's parajiluie as a miraculous answer to his petition.

A reverend gentleman of tho Presbyterian persuasion was very much annoyed at the conduct of teachers and scholars in going to see Mr Waddell's funeral on Sunday last, instead of attending to their Biblical studies, as usual. The reverend gentleman delivered himself of the observation that "it was very wrong to hold military funerals on Sunday." For my part, I must disagree with the divine ; I think Sunday is the proper day for a military funeral, or for the funeral of any public man, whose aebs when living call for popular reverencG after his death. It is the one day of the week on which all who labour are supposed to bo at liberty from their labours, and on which the attendance at a funeral do6S not involve what to many is a serious loss of time, and surely that is the best time, all other circumstances being favourable, for a burial. There were 700 mourners, and about 10.000 onlookers at Mr Waddel's funeral, and I venture to say that every one of them received impressions equally weighty to those derived from the routine Sunday-school work. I would rather favour the idea of letting children out of Sunday-school for half-an-hour to see a " military funeral " and then they might be expected to return to their duties with pleasure at tho expiration of that time.

Talk of American " high-falutin." Mr R. T. Booth, who' is now en tour in Australia, quite out-Yankeed the Yaukeos, in the course of ah address at a suburb of Sydney the other day. He said, that if any twopenny halfpenny country went to war, the "Australians, English, and Americans are in a position to give them a cuff and put them to bed. The English speaking nations, notably England, America, and Australia, number nearly 100,000,000 souls. He regretted that men thought so much of building forts and firing guns ; but let the Russian bear put his paw upon the fair land of Australia, then the British lion, the American eagle, and the Australian kangaroo would rise up as one man, and drive him back ignominiously to his lair. The utterance of these words caused chcei'ing that lasted fully five minutes. The picture of a lion and an eagle and a Kangaroo risiug up " as one man" is about the finest example of muddled metaphor I have met with for along time ; arid the reception accorded to the spread - eagleism of Mr Booth proves that Jingomania is by no means confined to London. The kangaroo tackling the bear is about as ludicrous as New Zealand's " Only General" proposing to call out the first-class militia of the colony, by way of caution to the Czar not to meddle with Bulgaria.

But Mr Booth is surpassed by a young Australian, Mr E. Reeves, who has written a song for the Anti-Chinese League in Sydney, entitled "Three Cheers for the Young Kangaroo," containing such wild sentiments as the following:—

Australia ! Thou land for Australians, Be welcome the hour that proclaims Thy waking to life as a NationUnfettered by old world chains.

Then let us sing—Hail to Australia! Nor shout, as some weak mortals do, For thrones and their tinsel regalia, # " Three cheers for the Yoiuig Kangaroo !'

RefrainThree cheers for the Young Kangaroo! Three cheers for the Young Kangaroo! Australia the " piiintor " shall sever ! Three cheers for the Young Kangaroo !

From slaves and barbarian invaders, Australia, thy shores Shall bo free, Thon strike at tho thraldom of Labour, And banish tho heathen Chinee!

So down with this Chinese aggression. Resist it with hearts, firm and true ; Lot the Old Lion roar for oppression— He can't acarc the Young Kangaroo.

Three cheers for the future Republic! When Liberty truly shall reign, Australia's brave sons will then Aotrisii Unsullied by poverty's stain.

The disloyalty of this effusion is increased by the fact that the old patriotic air, " The Red, White and Blue," has been calmly appropriated for it» Will somebody get up a parody entitled "Rule, Zealandia," as a preliminary bo this colony following the example of the " young kangaroo V

I am in receipt of a courteous and interesting note from Mr VVm. Wood, of tlie Thames, aiitts llEn6eh," who feels aggrieved ab me for classing him with " that

maniac who styles himself King of the Prophets." Mr Wood disclaims the title of prophet, which lie says has been given ( him by others—never assumed by himself. I am bound to admit, after Professor Golder's latest departure, that there is very little in common between him and Enoch. The latter is a reverent interpreter of prophecy —a man of the same stamp as the Rev. Dr. Camming and the Rev. M. Baxter, whose hobby is to imagine that the end of all things is at hand. " Enoch" sends me an elaborate chart of " The End of the Age," which he published twelve years ago. In this I find he asserted that the year 1882 would " finish the transgression and make an end of .sin "—in other words, that it would see the great battle of Armageddon fought and the Millennium inaugurated. Theevent did not cjmo oil', however, and I now find that he has altered the date, in red ink, to 1895-96. This is the method of Dr. Gumming all over. It also resembles that of the Maori prophet who foretold a second eruption of Tarawera, but postponed it "to allow of the harvest being got in. What guarantee can "Enoch give that, when 1596 arrives, the date of the Millennial dawn will not require to be postponed for other twelve years?

On the question of Malthusianism "Enoch'1 seoms to agree with my conclusions, and ho offersafew romarkson the position of affairain New Zealand which arc worth consideration. He writes : "The means of subsistence are adequate for a ranch larger population than the earth now bears, and might be very much larger still was it not for thegraspilfg selfishness of the few who love to revel in luxury at the expense of their less fortunate neighbours, whom they would make their slaves and cat's paws. While tho lands of this colony are held as now by grasping landlords we want no immigrants to New Zealand, who would as usual leave tho colony as soon as possible after they had found out what it is — a splendid country full of resources of all descriptions, but ruined by selfishness and maladministration. That a change for tho better will come I believe, but not until nearly everybody is ruined through the gambling and swindling spirit of the age. This it is that has leu to tho fearful depression tho colony is now passing through, while many of the leading spirits of the pernicious system are themselves being ruined by the mania they inaugurated. So should it be, that others may learn a lesson by their folly. However, it matters little now what may be done, either politically, socially, or ecclesiastically; for the present order of things is about to pass away to make room for a better and purer." *** # # * •it * *

"Dear Zamiol," writes a correspondent, " a fortnight ago you published an interesting on the subject of tho doctrines of Malthus and expressed tho opinion that the Anglo-Saxon race would never be so cowardly as to use tho " check prudential " as a means of limiting population. May they never do so, say I: and to illustrate the fecundity of our race under the brighter conditions of colonial life, I just send you the following death notice which I clipped from a Sydney paper the other day : —

GRIFFITHS.—May 9. at her son's residence, Upper Mi'tagong, Sarah, relict of the late John Griffiths, in her 96th year, also native of New South Wales, leaving 11 children, 68 grand children, 175 great-grand children, and 21 greftt-great-granc children to mourn their loss. Inserted by her two loving daughters, Isabella Shophard and Susannah Brian.