Humorous.

Auckland Star, Volume XVIII, Issue 148, 25 June 1887, Page 4 (Supplement)

Humorous.

A \vi> tk in time strengthens the soda water. It is the spur of the moment that makes time ily. The Drink Question -" Wot'll yer 'aye?" A knotty problem on board an ocean steamer : How far have we run to-day ? There arc a groat many things that cause a man to drink, and one of them is thirst. " An advance in iron," as the soldier Raid when the enemy's shells came hurling through tiie air, The thermometer would be more popular if it pulled down the price of coal as well as the merwry. Voltaire wiid that he never regretted rromar to law but twice. Once when he Tost) the suit, and once when he won it. One man in Germany has made and sold over three thousand thei'moractorH. This is what you might call making money by decrees. "Tliit; seems to bo a mighty poor land, stranger,'1 said a traveller to a farmer loaning on his fence. "What do you grow hero ?" " Grow la/y," was the response. The landless man who used to Hay that he writ) sure of six feet of earth one day was lose in mid-ocean. It is never safe to be sure of anything that hasn't come to pp.ss. Fond Father : " Don't you think I ought to have my daughter's voice cultivated ''", Tortured guest (impressively): "I think you ought to have something done with it." Angel darling: "Mamma, where did baby come from ':" Fond mother : " Papa bought him in the market;." A. D. : ■" Why clicl'n him div' sixpence more and dit one wif hair on ?" " Ma, there's a hole in my shoe, and it's full of water." " Well, come here, and let mo cut another hole, so the watcr'll run out."' Who says a woman doesn't reason ? A witness, giving evidence in a byciclo case, stated this as the result of his observations—"lf you ride slow, you turn over yourself; if you ride fast, you turn over someone else." Tlio only way to shine, even in this false world, is to be honest and unassuming. There may bo a thick crust, but in the course of time truth will find a place to break through. Mobilo has a brass band with a conscience. It goes out in the suburbs on a Sunday, and hides itself in the woods to practise. At a distance of two or three j miles the music is simply entrancing. A bookkeeper, 'walking through Rodneystreet, and seeing "Dr." on every other house, remarked that it would look a little more' regular if there was an occasional " Or." on the other side of the street. Two little boys were discussing the merits of their respective fathers. "My father," said the hrst, " has been tin-co times round the world." " Pooh," said the other, "that's nothing; my father's been in gaol five years.'" A correspondent asks:—"When is the best time to pick strawberries !" The best time for this class of work is before the gardener g:ts up in the morning, and there' 3 j no big dog in the garden. I " It looks like the scene of a; great battle," remarked a traveller, viewing the work of a recent cyclone at the West. "Yes," said the native solemnly, and without removing his pipe, " tho placo was tuck by storm." When Coleridge's tragedy of " Remorse " was first produced, Sheridan had his jest upon the cavern scene, where tho percolating of the water is described. "Drip, drip, drip," said the satirist; '■' nothing but dripping:'." A Bite of Something to Eat. —" Madam," eaid the tramp, " I'm hungry enough to eat raw dog." " Well," she resjaonded kindly, suiting the action to the word, "I'll whistle, some up for you." The tramp left, taking his appetite with him. A coloured cook, expecting company of her kind, was at a loss how to entertain her friends. Her mistress said, '■'Chloe, you must make an apology." " Missus, how can I make it ? I got'no apples, no eggs, no butter — no nuffin to make it wid." . # ' ... It is not an unfair sarcasm that is embodied in the story of an organist who was asked : " Are you not a regular attendant of tho church?" ''.Oh, yes," said he. "And are you a Christian?" "Oh, no," was the reply, "I am the organist." One day a professor lost all patience Avith ono of, his students, and in a rage told him that he had not the' sense of a brute. Upon hearing this the student told him he must apologise. The next morning the professor stood up'and said, ," I am called upon to apologise to Mr. for telling him that he has not tho sense of a brute, but I iioav revoke that and say that lie has tho sense of a brute." . Some years ago a United States naval officer, thought himself unjustly treated by the Naval Retiring Board, and made a complaint to his brother officers. " Well, Tom," s -id ono of his friends, "why do you submit to it, if it be so ? There is a man hero " (in Washington) " who will investigate it for twenty dollars, and may correct it." >";What !" exclaimed the complainer, in reply to his Avoiild-be comforter, "do you supposed that 1 would take twenty dollars for such a grievance as this !",. ■John MTherson was very illused by his wife. He was even treated to an occasional thrashing. His friends rallied him upon this, and at last spurred him on to declare that he would make an effort to be master. Onp day not long after his better half was. so furious that he found himself compelled to seek shelter under the table. Just at this moment the voices of his friends were heard in the passage. "John M'Phcrson, come oot o\there, come oot," cried his wife fearful of an'exposure. !'Na, na,1 cried John, n triumph; ".come- oot,' indeed—na, na.' I'll show you for yince that I am master."/-