RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XVIII, Issue 143, 18 June 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[BY ZAMIEL.]

dome write, a neighbour's name to lash. Some write—vain thought—for needful cash, Somo write to please the country clash, And raise a din, For me an aim I never fash— I write for fun.

Tow/ours Jubilee ! The confounded thing is as catching as measles, and everything is "Jubilee," from prize poems to twopenny medals — from Industrial Exhibitions to nigger minstrel shows—from the Imperial Institute and Queen's Fund down to drapers' advertisements and word competitions ! In spite of my utmost endeavours to keep from being infected by the prevailing epidemic, I have " got it" to some extent; but I promise that I shall not bite anybody and afflict them with Jubilophobia. Poor old Lord Tennyson, I grieve to hear, lias been eick since he wroto his Jubilee Ode, and lias in conse(jnencs declined to

write o- uoern. ibir the opening of the Imperial Institute. Somebody has been ungenerous .enough to say that he must have °een siok when he wrote his Jubilee effusion ; but the fervent spirit of loyalty pervading that poem proves that the Laureate had all his faculties right at the time he penned it, and was not suffering from.a bilious attack. In the list stanza there avo premonitory symptoms of his illness when ho pointedly asks— "Are there thunders moaning in tho distance? Arc there spectres moving in the darkness?" but on the whole the ode is in the true style of the Court poet, with an undue prepondcranqc of the poujrely over tho poetic clement. Had Tennyson been really sick when he wrote tho Jubilee ode, he would have produced a very diSerent effusion —something in tho stylo of die following, which I may call an ■ ODIOUS JUBILEE ODE.

~ ■ (PARODY,) I. ■ Fifty times John Bull has paid-his taxes, Fifty times three hundred thousand sterling Wrung from Toil to lili the Koyal coffora, 11. Since yon, renowned for economy r> Rare in annals of Royalty, Woro orownod as Queen to reign over us; Thorefqro it comes, as a matter of Course, through nofaultof Your Majesty, v ■" • ThaSyou have reached to the glorious, Bounteous year of your Jubilee 1 111. jSTothins: of the Prodigal or Spendthrift Hitherto has marked the Royal actions; Now wo hope to see a new departure ! IV. Yon,so famed for cloae-flstedncss. You, the saving, the niggardly. Hoard no more for Posterity : Open your heart and bo bountiful— Blessing the poor and the needy ones In this year of your Jubileo! V. • Fifty yeai'3 of growth in Civilisation— Fifty years of ric.li men growing richerFifty years of poor men growing poorer! VI. You, our pattern and paragon. You, tho flattered and fawned upon, Quit you nobly and royally ; Give your Parks and your Palaces Up, /or the use of the people, now; Turn your Mansions to Hospitals — Feed the poor and tho fatherless Iv this year of your Jubileo! VII. • For the air is thick with socialspectrcs: Comes Starvation, grim and gaunt and threatening, JTollowed by tho ghosts of Revolution, Irish discontent and separation, Tiil tho sounds of .Tubileeseem drowned in Jarring Anarchy and crash of Kuipire ! Any thoughtful person reading the Laureate's ode " between the lines " must have reflections similar to the above suggested to him, from which I deduce the conclusion that. Baron Tennyson was, at the time of writing it, feeling , the approach of the sickness from which he now unfortunately suffers. In all seriousness, the Jubilee business seems sadly out of joint. Early Royal Jubilees were distinguished by the free distribution of royal bounty; but in this degenerate day tho people are expected to do all the giving and tho Jubilator do nothing but receive. No doubt this is the result of the growth of Democratic doctrines, when the peoplo are endowed with so many privileges, including the experience that "it is more blessod to give than to receive !"

To show that this aspect of the question has not escaped notice in " Merrie England," I quote the following motion, which was made by. Mr Robert Mitchell, sharebroker, at a meeting. held at Cockermouth, in connection with the Jubilee celebration :

—'-"That we, your loyal subjects in the ancient borough of Cockermouth, do }3ray your Majesty (but not humbly) that in consideration of our having, during a period of fifty years, contributed our quota of L 385,000 annually paid to your Majesty, as well as having also provided for your offspring in a lavish manner, amounting in the fifty years, at compound interest, to no less than L 54,000,000 sterling, in addition to which we have, at your Majesty's wish, provided lucrative and almost nothing-to-do situations for many of your German relatives and others, we therefore, in common reason, ask your Majesty to hand over one year's income (viz., L 385,000) to erect some useful and lasting memorial from a grateful Queen to her loving subjects for having during so long a period, and under many trying circumstances, contributed so liberally towards the support of yourself, family, arfd friends." The chairman of the meeting was too loyal to allow this to be put to the vote, but Mr Mitchell doubtless secured all that he wanted in getting wide publicity to his original and not unreasonable idea.

The proposal of Lady Jervois in connection with-the Queen's Fund has not been so enthusiastically received as might have been expected; in some places it has been positively-rejected; and I fear one reason for its cold reception is to be found in a little-' mistake committed by Lady Jervois in sending out circulars. It appears that in addressing printed notes to the leading ladies, in different districts, our worthy Governess (how is that for grammar ?) simply' wrote the prefix ."Mrs" to each name, '-par exempla : '-'Mrs Gubbins," Mrs McSnuffie," "Mrs OTlaherty," or "Mrs Ap Shenkin Ap Taffy." The -result, ■as might have, been expected, has been a good deal of confusion, and .not : a little feminine jealousy. There are, let us say, three Mrs Gubbinses in Auckland ;*but instead of each of them getting a jubilee letter the three are all delivered to the one who ocoupies the best social iposition—who is, perhaps in the " wholesale" line while the others are in the '* retail" business. Or there are two Mrs McSnufiles—mother and daughter-in-law— occupying the one house; and when ono letter, addressed "Mrs McSnuffle" is .delivered, the elder it by right of precedence, and the younger ..one, in high dudgeon,, refuses to have .anything to do with the Queen's Fund. In like manner Mrs o'Maherty7;o3i mere collars the whole batch of letters bearing her name, and her daughters-in-law consider themselves " inspolted, intoirely " at being left out in the ©old. Thus is it that the loyal- aspirations of the feminine community have been crushed,-, and their j\jbJLle.e turned.' tQ gall and bitternesa.

A paragraph has been going the round of the papers to the effect that Mr Justice Richmond is to all appearance a believer in phrenology. It is stated that, in the course of the examination of an illiterate debtor.in the Bankruptcy Court at Wellington the other clay, His Honor cast an admiring glance at the man's apparently well-devel-oped cranium, and observed that it was an odd thing that a man with a head such as his should not be able to read and write. Later on, when tho debtor was unable to tax his memory as to certain payments, His Honor remarked that he generally found that people who did not trust to memoranda were able to recollect facts very readily, and as the debtor in .question appeared to liavo a good " knowledge box," it was rather surprising that his memory should fail him. This is fitted to remind one that many years ago tho witty W. S. Gilbert cleverly satirised the science of phrenology as applied to crime. The author of the" Bab Ballads narrated how Sir Herbert White was attacked by a garotter, but on Policeman 32 appearing on the scene, he insisted on examining the " blimps " of the accused before ho took him into custody. Taking the cap from the head of the alleged bad man, the " peeler " remarked to the astonished baronet :— " Obsorvo his various bumps, His head as I uncover it; His morals lie in bum ps All round about aud over it. " Just horc tho bump appears Of Innocent Hilarity,. And just behind his cars Are Faith and Hope and Charity!" After hearing a lot of this jargon, with the policoman's conclusion that tho charge of garotte robbery was quite groundless tho baronet submitted his own head to the Phrenologist in blue for examination. "That Oriishor looked, and said, With unimpaired urbanity— 'Sir Herbert, you've a head . That teems with Inhumanity I Hern's Murder, Envy, Strifo (Propensity to kill any)' And Lies as largo as life. And hciiDs of Social Villainy!" Tho conclusion to which tho bewildered baronet was driven is o;ie which Judge Richmond should ponder well before lie takes a furthor excursion into tho realm of Criminal Phrenology. " Stop!' paid Ihc Bart. "my cup Is full—l'm worso than him in all; .Policeman, take mo up— No doubt I am some criminal 1" I am not personally acquainted with the "phiz" or "bumps of Mr Justice Richmond, but it is quite possible that he lias not such a "well-developed cranium" as tho'majority of prisoners who appear before him, and he must take caro lest he finds himself somo day "hoist with his own petard."