Mark Twain as a Farmer.

Auckland Star, Volume XVIII, Issue 125, 28 May 1887, Page 6

Mark Twain as a Farmer.

, I hate been introduced to you as an experienced agriculturist. - (Laughter.) I love the the farm. Adam loved the farm.— (Laughter.)— Noah loved his vineyards. Horace loved the farm, as is shown by that great book,' What I know about Fanning,' —(Laughter) Washington, Webster, and Beecher were allu'-ed by the attractions of agriculture. . Someone said to. Beecher: " Keep your cows out of my shrubbery." " Beep your shrubbery out of my cows," replied Beecher;'" it spoils the milk."— (Laughter.) Hogs are hard animals to drive ■ over a bridge. / (Laughter.) I onoe saw a man carried several miles on the back of a hog that turned back in opposition to the solicitations of the driver on appraoching a bridge. - (Laughtor. I will tell you of a safe way ro get. hoogs over the bridge—kill them and draw them over in a waggon. — (Laughter;) Hogs are fond of spring lambs and spring chickens. Hogs will eat their own offspring if no lambs or chickens are offered in the: market. (Laughter.) When a boy I was solicited to escort a pig to a neighbour's farm. A strong rope tied to the pig's leg was placed in my hand. I dip not know before the •' speed and strength of a pig.— (Laughter.) But they do not run the way you want them to run.—(Renewed laughter.) A pig can draw a canabboat with tho tow-line tied tohisleg, but I would not insure the canal-boat. Hogs are cleanly orderly, silent, and not bent on mischief— (laughter)—when cut up and salted and in a tight barrel, with a. heavyweight on the lid.-(Prolanged- laughter.) This is all I about ho_rs. ~ . ' ■'•■■ •■ v : '■

I love cows.—(Laugh ter.) What so meek and lowly—(laughter)—as a mooloy -cowi? City people are foolish to be frightened at cows., I was nevor'hurt by a cow butouce.

He shook his head at mo from behind a ! strong gate. I felt tho security of position, and shied a pumpkin at him. He came through tho gate as though it were a spider's web, and then I was sorry I did it. — (Laughter.) This kind of cow should not be fooled with nnless you are tired of monotony.—(Laughter). The poet loves to dwell upon milkmaids, milking time, and lovers sparking over the farm-yard gate ;j but no such poeb could ever have milked a cow ill fly time. - (Laughter). I cannot imagine a successful lovesuit at such a season. I milked the cows one night when the boys were off on a Fourth of July.— (Laughter). That is, 1 milked one and onehalf cows. —(Laughter). The last one was so busy knotting off llics with her hind foot I thought I had better not disturb her longer. A pail of fresh milk kicked over a boy does nob improve his clothes or temper. Some say I milked from bhe wrong side. — (Greab laughter.) Ithoughb I would be sure and be right, and so I milked half on one side and half on tho other. - (Renewed laughter.) I was on the other side when she knocked off most flies. Can anyone tell me why a cow should be permitted to dictate Which side a man shall milk from? I claim the right of my choice at least half of the time. Sheep are my special delight. How gracefully the lambs gambol ovor the green. I trust you never gamble over the green. (Laughter.) Sonic say a scamp is the black sheep of the (lock, 'but a black sheep is just as respectable as any, and the colour line should not. thus be drawn. - (Laughter.) I once fished on the bluff and casualty discovered a sheep with largo crooked horns coming at mo head down and lire in her oyos..- The .Hah were nob biting well, sol left my spot", and dodged behind a stump. The sheep fell on tin. rocks below and broke hor neck. For this act I have sinco been accused of non-protection in the wool traffic. This reminds me of a commissioner of agriculture in old times who purchased six hydraulic rams for the improvement of American flocks. - (Prolonged laughter.) Feather beds are made from geese, but all woollon goods anil drums are mado from sheepskins. (Applause.) I take creat pride in the horse. "He is the noblest Roman of them all," (Laughter.) I once led Stephens's horse to water. How proudly he arched his neck and tail. He was so fond of mo ho tried to embrace me with his front feet. Bnb I was so shy he turned about and playfully knocked my hat off with his heels. (Laughter.) . I told Stephens I thought horses looked much better walking on four foet than on two feet. A horse presses hard when your toe is caught under his hoof. I speak not from theory, but from actual experience. (Laughter). I went riding with Stephens's horse, ami he shied and danced provokingly. " Treat him yindly," said Stephens, " never beat a horse." By-and-bye Stephens thought lie would get out and walk for exercise. " You may let him feel the lash a little now,'' said Stephens. " A littlo discipline now will do him good."—(Prolonged laughter.) Here is a composition I wroto when a boy :—" Farming is healthy work : but no man can run a farm and wear his best clothes at the same time. Either the farming must cease while the new clothes continue, or the new clothes must cease while fanning continues. This shows that farming is not so clean work as being a Congressman or schoolmaster, for thoso men can wear good clothes if they can find money to pay for them.—(Laughter) Farmers gci up early in the morning. They say the early bird catches the worm. If I was a bird, I had rather get up late and eatcherries in place of worms.—(Laughter), .farmers don't paiqt their waggons when they can help it, for they show mud too quick. The colour of their boot, is red, and don't look like other people's boots, because they are twice as big.—(Applause). Farmers' wives have a hard time cooking for hired men, and tho hired men find fault with the farmers' wives cooking. Why -don't farmers' wives lot the hired men do the cooking while thoy do the finding fault. (Great applause.) Farmers don't get rich as bank "presidents, bub bhoy get more exercise. (Prolonged laughter.) Some ask " Why don't farmers run for Congress?" They run so much for keeping boys out of their peach orchards and melon patches they doh't have any time to run after anything else. If Congress should run after farmers, one might be caught now and then. Lawyers can beat farmers at running for most anything. I know a farmer who tried to run a line fenco according to his notion. Tho other man objected and hurt the farmer. Tho farmer hired a lawyer to run his line fence, and now the lawyer runs the farmer's farm, and the farmer has stopped running anything. Speaking of running reminds me of our cal^ that ran away to. the woods. There were not eiiou*_h men in the country to catch that calf- Wo turned bhe old cow loose into the woods, and she caught bhe Calf, proving the old saying that it takes a cow to caben a thief." — (Laughter.)