ALL SORTS OF ITEMS.

Auckland Star, Volume XVII, Issue 286, 4 December 1886, Page 4

ALL SORTS OF ITEMS.

School Teacheb-What do wo call those scientific men who have adopted the germ theory '! Master Kirby—l know ; Germans i

We presume Cain's father-in-law was an Nod feilow, as ho got his wife from the land of Nod, ' "I aim to tell the truth." "Yes," idterrupted an acquaintance ; " but you are a very bad shot." " What is a-foot now ?" asked an acquaintance of a reporter who was rushing tor the orfice. " Twelve inches still," eaid tho scribe, as he shot out of bight. A home missionary was asked the cause of bit) poverty. " Principally," said he, with a twinkle in his eye, •• because I have so often preached without notes." Mamma —Henry, I've a surprise for you. Papa—lndeed. Mamma—Yes ; baby has cut his eye teeth. Papa—Gracious me ! What a dreadful accident. fggg

At the theatre.—She -Oh, de?.r ! I wish the curtain would ring up. 3e Why? Are you so interested in the plt»y ? She— Oh-, no ; but then the orchestra would stop playing, A .New 'iork physician says "It is dangerous to go into tho water after a hearty meal." And wo presume if he did go in after one he wouldn't find it.

Au elder congratulated a pastor on the salubrious air he was living in. "Yes," he naively replied, " if I could live on it bb well aa in it, my lot would be a happy one." " Why is it," asked Mine. Z. one day, "that you don't get married ?' "Impossible, my dear madam," responded X. "I have such a horror of divorce."

The American Consul at Chemnitz says he never saw a* glass of water drunk in Germany, We are to infer from this that Germany ia a p'acj where man, audnot water is drunk.

■' What did the Puritans come to this country for?" asked a Massaohueetts teacher of his class.' "To worship iv their own way, and make other people do the same," wad the reply. When a young gentleman in Canada wishes to pay attention to a young lady, he rieually, if it !8 in winter, undertakes to kill her with kindness—by taking her out and eleighing her. Seene —A suburban villa. Newly-married husband : " That trellis-work wants painting badly, darling. I think I'll do it my.-elf." She: "'Yea; do it yourself, love, if you think it wants to be do.ie bftdiy." The conductor exclaimed, angrily : ; " Here ! don't do that You're ringing the i bell at both ends of the car." " That's all right. Budad, au' I want both ends of the car to shtop." Tho child who makes the acquaintance of the maternal slipper may have the satisfaction of knowing this its mother once underwent the tame operation at thehands of its grandmother. This is o:ie of the reasons %thy children aro co fond of their grandparents. A sentleman entered a telegraph office — "I beg pardon, but na I was coming along this afternoon, I saw myriads of flies settltd oil your wires. Can you suggest any explanation of tho phenomenon ?" " About what time was it, eir ?" " About four o'clock." •' Ah ! t.ac accounts for it, that's the time I send the quotations for sugar and honey." Little Dick ■" Pop, may Igo to the circus ?" Pop "No, my son ; circuses are very wicked." " »V<.11,~1 guess this isn't a rt gular circus. It's advertised as a great moral show, and it'a got pictures of all sorts of nice church-folks riding in processisu on such beautiful horses, and good Sunday-school boys flying through the air on trapezes, and Oh ! such pretty girls, look like choir-sir.gers, walking on tightropes and balancing themselves on fast horses, and jumping through hoops, and turning somersets over "' "Well, if it 13 a great moral show I guess we'll go."