Phrenology Afloat.

Auckland Star, Volume XVII, Issue 214, 11 September 1886, Page 4

Phrenology Afloat.

I CAN'T ju?t now recall hie name, but ho was retfiacorod at the hotel at EJk Rapide as from tlio Chicago Inter Oeoan. Thero wasn't anything circular in two nowepapor men mnkinp up to oach other—not when they woro both away from homo. I liked hiu looks from the start, and when ho rcalipcd it he brought out a chart of his head which Prof-eaor Fowler had given him. According to tho chsit his leading traits wore :—

1. Extreme liberality. 2. Uttir absence of Eolfishness. ".. Strong friendship. 1 was glad thnt the chart confirmed my own private imprceiong, and our friendship was eomontcd with tho blood of the devolution, fgr which tho landlord charged ten cents a glass. On tho fourth day wo went out together in a skiff on tho bay to fish, lie iuti^tcd on paying for tho bait, and in rowing tho boat, end that agreed oxactly with trait No. I. We wero a half mile off f-liore, and still going ahead, when thn skiff banged against come unsoon object, the bottom was stove in, and the next moment klic filled to tho gunwale?. Tho oars floated away as wo floated out, and we settlod down to business with tho wreck floating full of water and he hanging to ono end and I to tho otiior. It was only then that o suspicion crept into my mind that Fowler hadn't felt that chap'd bumps in dead earnest. "You did it —you infernal idiot—you did it I" he yelled at me, as he got Little Travorso Bay out of his mouth. As Fowler hadn't included Truth in his loading traitp, I fult free to dony the allegation, but ho repeated it in a vigorous mnnnor, and added — "I've got a revolver, and if you don't let go of this boat I'll ehoot you !" " For why ?" saya I. " Because it won't float both of us, and I'm going to save myself at any cost !" That was his "utter absence of selfishness," an recorded on the chart, and I was surprised and griovod to think Fowler had been so taken in. I asked for a little grpce, and ho replied— "Give you just two minutes to cay your prayers." I wanted twenty, nnd he wouldn't oven compromise on pix, That was more of his "oxtreme liborality." When I saw that he was inclined to hurry the funeral I bounced tho boat around and prevented him from gotting at hia weapon, which had stuck fast in his wet pockot. Pretty soon he triod another lay. Said ho —

"I am a marriod man, and have four children. All you'vo got is a wife, and she's half dead at that. Havo uomo reason about you."

I offered to argue tho case, each side being limited to fivo minutes, and he charged me with cold blooded selfishness, If tho circumstances wore only revoreod hod dio for me in a minute, but as wo couldn't reverse 'om ho had another proposition. If I'd let go and dio quietly and decently hod rai?o at least 100 dole, for my widow if ho win paved, and would givo me a column notice in the Inter Ocean, describing tho details of my heroic act, and winding up with the paragraph— " Wo are certain that the public will not let hia grave remain unhonoured by a fitting tablet."

I wanted to know what sort of a tablet, tho cost, &c. I had reon so many choap tablets that I felt holding out for a Scotchgranite monument with an angel on tho apex. Ho got °° mad a* the delay that I had to bounco tho boat to keep the pi?tol in his pocket. When he had calmed down ho appealed to my generosity and manly honour. He hid just had his salary raised. His fathor-inlaw had just come to appreciate him for what ho was. Ho was the president of a Chicago literary society, and a leading member of a debating club. His future was full of the biggest kind of watermelons, and the whole world would miss him. I hadn't any salary worth mentioning—no father-in law at all -no hope beyond fourth-floor rates. Wasn't it bettor to die a hero than to live on him like a thistle by tho road Bide ? I afked him to put his language in tho form of a motion, which he did, and a vote was taken it was'a stand-off. His side only got ono vote, and that was half-full of water.

I never saw a chop po full of motions and resolutions as ho was for threo quarters of an hour, and I never attended a caucus whore tho opposition waa so determined to vote them all down. He had apparently exhausted his stock, and was hunting for something new, when he lost his hold on the wreck, and went down—down—down —about four feet, where he reeted solidly on a sand bar. The water for fifty feot around was from two to four feet deep, and it was the end of a sunken spar which had wrecked üb. Hecatneovertomeaud held out his hand, but I waded away from him in a dignified manrer. He eaid he was only in fun, aud he offered me three fish hook?, a jack-knife, a ball of string aud a big hunk ofl'etoskey mai.'lo suyar to resume friendly and confidential relations. In vain. A fisherman came out and took us off the oar, and we never epoke again. A man whose bumps deceive a phrenologist is no fellow to tie to.—M. Quad, in the "Detroit Free Press."