RANDOM SHOTS

Auckland Star, Volume XXVI, Issue 265, 14 November 1885, Page 4

RANDOM SHOTS

[By Zamiki,.]

Some write, a neighbours name to lash. Some write-vain thought-tor needfu cash. Sonio write to please tlio country clash, And raise a din. For me an aim I never fesl^ £un _

&l rede memini, I remarked tho othor week that a social lefortner's lot is not a happy one; and I havo no doubt that Mr Stead, editor of the "Pall Mall Gazette" has by this time como to bo of tho enmo opinion. Had he stuck to tho " legitimate " editor business.bo would have been flattered and feted and run after by society; but because he had tho hardihood to say that London's rich men were not quite so moral as they should bo, ho has been sentenced to three years' imprisonment! That is what I soberly believe to bo tho real meaning of tho sentenco, though nominally it is imposed aa a punishment for tho crime of abduction. Mr Stead boldly asserted that London society was rotton to tho coro ; that as a rule, tho highor tho rank, tho lowor tho moral tone ; and ho threatened to make revelations which would •' shake tho foundations of the Throne itself." Liko most onthusiasts, Mr Stead showed a lamontablo lack of common prudeneo ; he showed his hand to the onomy, and " spiritual wickedness in high placos " has combined to crush him. At the very otitsot tho Prince of Wales, who is a perfoct typo of thorough "respectability" ofl the orthodox kind, stopped hie paper. It was also excluded from all the London clubs, which aro wellknown to be advanced schools of social purity, and were accordingly shocked, liko tho righteous iudgo who tried the caso, with the "indecont" details published. And now for three years London society thinks it has purchasod security from molestation, and that it will bo able to go to church and read its daily papers without being shocked by objectionable "revelations." But it is a wretched delusion which is thus cherished ; and the unblushing hypocrisy which tries to believe that by covoring up an evil it has beon abolished, will have a fearful awakening to- the reality of tho position.

But poma will say thoro aro no " revelations " to make, for Mr Stoad has been convicted of having manufactured tho story of Lily Armstrong, and all tho othor horrible tales that he told may bo consigned to the same category. That is by no means tho true conclusion. The ovidonco concerning those two infamous womon—Jarrott and Mourey — proves indubitably tho'oxistenco of a system identical with that described in the "Pall Mall Gazette, "and their sentence is the only commendable result of the legal prosecution. As for Mr Stead and his collaboratem; Jacques, thoy will, by the majority of the people, bo looked upon as martyrs in a good cause. The fact that £5,000 were subscribed for their defence shows to what a groat extent they aro sympathised with, and tho likelihood ia that a popular agitation will load to thoir early release. The public aro not usually very discriminating, but even the many-headed beast can see what a wide gulf separates theso men from tho two incarnate shedevila who wore co-defendants with them in the case. Why the law did not discriminate it is hard to understand, for it is an axiom that tho intention constitutes tho crime, and clearly Mr Stead had no unlawful intent in what he did, but on tho contrary a burning desire to help the cause of righteousness and virtue. "It is the latter that killeth," and it is not tho first time that tho strong arm of tho law has been raised to crush the fair libj of puro effort and aspiration. A greater One than Mr Stead was adjudged worthy of death for a technical offence. Him too the common people heard gladly ; and though.He was classed with vile criminals, Hia character and work and aims havo been fully vindicated, and acknowledged unimpeachable, oven by His greatest enemies. If it was not wrong in ono caso to teach by parables, it cannot be wrong in tho other to denounce evil by means of a fictitious narrative, founded on facts and probabilities. But I need not pursue the parablo, lest I be accused of sermonising. To our local Bocial purists there is a lesson in Mr Stead's case, which (but for tho fact that these good people are quite unsophisticated) hardly neod3 stating. Divided into three heads, the lesson is this:—(l) Bo careful not to disseminato indecent literature ; (2) be chary of assailing openly a powerful clasa of society; and (3) be particularly cautious in your efforts to do good, or you may get threo years in " chokey " for abduction.

Mr Stead's methods were undoubtedly wrong. He overstepped the prudont and launched into the prurient in his delineations of London vice, and especially he erred in setting class against class—the poor against the wealthy. The cause which he has at heart Butters by his blunders, but it is by no means crushed for ever. Very strangely, as it aeems to me, ono of our Auckland papers that prides itself on its highly religious and moral tone has shown symptoms of following in tho footatops of the "Pall Mall," with tho difference that its line is social prurience and championship of the wealthy classes. The letters that have appeared in its columns—written chiefly by ''ladies " too—aro aa indecent as anything that appeared in tho " Pall Mall Gazette ;" the aubject matter^ I would not even hint at here. This local purist paper quotes with approval the query of G. A. Sala— "Why don't colonial magnates live in palatial mansions ; why can't they give eight o'clock dinners ; why can't they keep grooms of the chamber, stowards, butlers, under-butlers, tall footmen, stud grooms, ladies' maids, housekeepers, French chefs, kitchen maids, and scullions?" Such profuse expenditure, according to this journal, means " work for the industrious, well-paid employment for, the skilful, and profit for the manufacturer;" and it hails with delight the advent of Lord Carrington as Governor of New South Wales, with twenty servants and eight horses in his retinue. Now, I hold that these colonies will be a vast deal better without a lavish style of expenditure. I have no desire to see reproduced here the idleness and corruption of London "high life," and, however much I may deprecate the hoarding of wealth, I hold it ia bettor rusting in iron boxe3 than being spent in ruining the souls and bodies of men and women. Let ua havo a fairly equal distribution of waalth — " neithor riches nor poverty " aa the wise man prayed for - and we shall be a happy, a moral, and a prosperous people. Great extremes of social position always produce evil results, and the horrible state of affairs in. London can be traced directly to the luxurious living of one class and the grovelling poverty of another. Then by all moans lot our rich men live simple and cleanly lives ; let them sink their wealth in industrial and commercial enterprises, instead of spending it in vain ostentation or criminal indulgence ; and let all right-thinking people, with souU above gastronomy, give them praise instead of blame!

The new Gambling Act threatens to end tha occupation of the sweep-promoter ; but a new industry appears, which I may call Gambling! This is perfectly legal too, and simply consists in bouncing into a few shops, seizing weights which are unstamped, and getting the owners of taid weights fined in £1 and costs. Eleven tradesmen in Karangahape'Koad got a lssson in this game the other day, and their sad case suggests a few moral reflections. Firstly — Why should they be pounced upon and-punished for ignorance of the law, when it was such a simple matter to warn them of their duty before taking proceedings ? la the law a sort of man-trap arrangement—an instrument of oppression instead of protection ? One of the culprits, I should add, was aware of tho law, and had called several times to get his weights stamped, but the Inspector waa absent ard the man naturally could not run after the weightyofficialforever. Thatausrgestsquestion No. 2 -Why should the tradesman be punished for the fault of the oHicial ? A correspondent assurer mo that one of the eleven unfortunates bought bis weights along with a "going business," and they had been in use unchallenged for 18 months previously. Question No. 3 is this—Why were these ' particular eleven singled out as victims ? Of course, their prosecutions put all the others on their guard, and they complied with the law at once. If the object is to raise revenue, I would suggest that, when the officer starts on his gambols, he should have a staff of assistants and make a simultaneous descent on all tho shopkeepers in the city. X XX m Were any of my reaciera, 1 wutfder, at the > Scottish oonv3rsaz:one last week? vi-frap--1 '. pose some vert*, and I h*ve do.dcubtlik*

myself wero grievously disappointed. With David the Bruce in the chair, and all the magnates of tho Caledonian Socioty supporting him, I was led to oxpoct a real " Scotch nicht," a hi Kennody ; but wac's mo ! tho result was a groat disenchantment. A dry formal speech from tho chair oponcd tho proceedings, delivered in a singsong tono, without a scintilla of tho dryest " wut," tho sparklo of a Scottish anecdote, or tho illumination of an "antrin" Scotch word or phrase. Then tho singing, when it was not English, was Latin or some other outlandish gibberish, and tho instrumentation (though like tho singing "quid o' its kin ") was a hotchpotch of polyglot music, embellished with ornato variations quite foreign to the genius of Scottish simplicity and sweetness. Tho object of the Calec lonian Socioty, forsooth, is tooncourago tho study of tho language and literature, spurts and customsof auldScotland ; but it is ovidontly bout o.i pursuing its object by tho rulo of contrarios. There was noithor "whisky," nor haggis, nor cakes for refreshing tho inner man ; nothing but lollies, pine apples, and ginger pop! What would our hardy neighbours in Duncdin say to that us a Scottish entortainmont? \'ot there was one redooming feature—Simon Fraser with the bagpipos was a good specimen of tho Highland pipoil, with his consequential stride and his able rendering of tho national music on tho primitive instrument!

That " thoro is nothing new undor tho sun " is one of thoso truisms to which most pooplo roadily as?ont; but I vonturo to think that tho mo.it orthodox beliovor in tho doctrino would make an exception in favour of sonio ol our modern engines of destruction. Tho submarine inino, for instance, which blew up tho "Russian cruiser's" ghost in Rangitoto Channel on Monday last is claimed as a now thine;; so aro our torpedoes, and particularly tho Brennan article, which travels under wator on it 3 voyage of destruction. Yet oven thoso -wero anticij >cd throo hundred years ago. "Rarta lUi Jonson," in a play called "Tho Staple of News," has tho following description of an imaginary engine of destruction : —

Thos.—They write one Cornelius son Hath niiido tho Hollanders nn invisible col To swim the Hiiwn nt Dunkirk and sink all The shipping there.

Penny boy.—But how ls't doao >. Cymbal.—l'll show yon, sir. It is nn automn, runu under water, With n snug now. and lmi a nimble tail Made liko tin auger, with which tall eho wrigglea liotwixt tho Co.-ts of a ship and sinks it straight, Ponnyboy. A mo3t bravo devlne To murder their Hat bottoms.

So you see, dear reader, that tho bravo dovice of an " invieiblo eel," such as blow up the flat bottom of that Russian cruiser, originated in tho brain of one of thoso useloss fellows called poets.

Many amusing sconos wero witnessed during tho sham fight on Monday last, not tho least amusing of which wis a wordy warfaro between an otticer of one company and a subordinate. The company was marching towards the shore at St. Holier's Bay after tho battlo, and thero appeared to be considerable difference of opinion as to tho proper turnings in tho winding lanes. The officer in charge gave the order "Left turn," when tho following dialoguo ensued : — Subordinate : "Whore tho are you taking us to? That's not tho road." Ollicor in chargo : "I know what I'm doing ; mind your own business, and do as 1 toll you." Subordinato: "Well, I tell you you're wrong." Ollicer in chargo: "Will you shut up? I am in chargo hero." Subordinate : " Well, civo tho correct ordors." Ollicer in charge: " Never you mind what the ordors are. I am commanding ollieor here, and you'll obey my ordors whether they aro wrong or not." Subordinate: "All right; only you aro wrong." Ollicor-in-chargo: " Woll, I ordor you to shut up, will you ?" Tho subordinate again replied, and the dialoguo was much oxtendod, greatly to tho amusement of tho company. At all ovents, they in timo reached tbo wharf and embarkod. This kind of thing, howovor, is not condueivo to good order, and should have been put a stop to at tho outset.

Tho utter inability of our city fathoru to eliminate personal recrimination-from their dobatos on public matters, and to rise superior to the spitoful little innuondocs that are moro gormano to a tap room discussion, have received pretty considerable display of late. In thoso respects thoy "out-Horoded Herod" during thoir impotent attempts to solve tho retrenchment crux, but it is a moot point whether thoy havo not surpassed oven their previous exploits in thoir vagaries of dobato upon tho question of

fixing the level* to which Lower ilobsoustreet shall bo cut down. Tho whole affair is a painful illustration of Councillors' vacillation of purpose and invetcrato propensity for sneaking out of tho responsibility for a decision. They havo become such arrant slaves to tho habit of referring either to Committee, City Engineer, or City Solicitor all torts of applications and projects, down even to those of tho moat trilling importance, that thoy can no longer stand erect and act with resolute indepondoncy. They aro mental waather-vanes, and their sole idea of dignified discussion is that which they so regularly reduce to practice in tho municipal beargarden. XXX "Zatniel," who is a tremendous stickler for "tho eternal fitness of things," desires again to draw the attention of tho management of tho Opora House to tho unseemly manner in which some persons behave themselves during tho performance, Ho can scarcely boliovo that tho white-

cravatted " gontloman'a gontloinan " who acts as usher for the dress-circle, or the lads who sell " booka of words" and ginger-pop, are employed by tho manager to lead tho applause. Clar/uers are common adjuncts of Parisian and other continental theatres, but thoy are concealed in out-of-the-way corners of tho pit, and surreptitiously induce tho audience to encourage tho parformers. If ?f« claque is to bo introducod in Auckland, "Zatniol" would Buggpst that tho paid applauders should bo stationed in somo lora' conspicuous part than tbo drcsscirclo. " Aii honest lawyer is as raro as a j;uod parson," said Thomas Cooper at the communcomont of ono of his lectures some years ago, and yet ho adduced instances of both in tho courao of his lccturo. Our law courts aro becoming exceedingly dull, and tho very antithesis of what thoy ware in past times, and when a lawyer venturos upon a joko or a pun, it is quito refreshing and gives piquancy to tho case. Even the irrepressible and voluble Sprout in his inarvel'ous utterances never ventures boyond the historic, and decorously retains tho privileged custom of not returning a feo. During the last few days, however, eevoral laughable breaks in the monotony of crossexamination havo intervened. " Did you ever hear auch a thing as returning a feo t" asked a legal gentleman, at which a reporting recruit who always sits among counsel laughed outright. "That's very rude," said the clerk. "You must behave yourself, young man, or I shall speak to the Bench." A story was then told of a case at Berwick-on-Tweed, where an eminent counsel returned tho fee. Tho barristor, it appearod, had changed hie sentiments, and doelined to plead. His client mildly expostulated and remonstrated with him on what ho considered a broach of good faith ; but all in vain tho advocate would not consent eithor to plead or roturn the money, adding that the law was open, and ho might have recourse to it if ho felt himself injured.

"No; sir," replied the spirited el!ont, " 1 was weak enough to give you a fee, but I am not quite fool onough to go to law with you, «s 1 perceive that my fortune may soon bo wasted in retaining fees alone before I find one honeat banister to plead for mo. Hero is my advocate," and pulling out a brace of piatols ho, offering one to tho astonished barrister, protested that before leaving the room ho would oithor have his money or satisfaction The foe was immediately returned. " That was a singular case," said Mr C- , a gentleman well known for his probity as a lawyer. " Old Lawyer Grimm would not have been so liberal. The old man accidentally swallowed half-asovereign, and he and his family were naturally much alarmed at the circumstance. A medical gentleman was sent for, and the stomach-pump was vigorously applied, but for somo time without fuccoss. At length 3s 4d wero brought up, which was all they could get, human nature, in consequence of a technical point, refusing to disgorge the antiquated fee of 6s Sd."