RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXVI, Issue 193, 22 August 1885, Page 4

RANDOM SHOTS.

[BY ZAMIEt.I

■■'■■- wrlto, (i nei(,'hbonrß namo to laflh, ,;.•■ t.-riii"—vain t:hoii(fht!—for needful cash, .--.r.-j vvrito to plciisu tlio country claah, And r«iao a din, or nn, p.n ami I novor fash— .1 writ o for fun.

Tin: humorous side of tho lato commercial excursion to tho South Sea Islands has not boon half told, and probably nover will bo ; but from the hints that a littlo bird has whispered in my car, I fancy the delegates had what in vulgarly called " a high old timo" among tho dusky potentates and pcoi-lo whom thoy visited, A rather wild story has boon circulated by some illinformed individual, to the effect that ono of the delegates was fined 1,000 francs for smuggling a lot of Hennossy'a brandy ashore at. Tahiti. " The French authorities," according to this individual, "will look with very groat suspicion upon auy New Zealand visitor-particularly any Government representative—whn may in future vi^it thoso parts." Hoity-toity, there's a pretty insinuation to make against a body of New Zealand's picked men ! Say, rather, an ugly and liuo'.loiuj accusation against ono of their number, for, as it happens, there was only one "Government representative " among the Janot iSicoll's passengers, and that ono no other than tho rospocted Chief I'ostinastor of Auckland. I hope tho scurrilous scandalmonger who invonted this story will bo brought to book for his reckless statements ; for my veracious littlo warbler tells me that there was v.o attempt at smuggling either at Tahiti or elsowhcro; that no ono was tinodina thousand francs or a thousand farthings, and that the French authorities at Tahiti, »o far from viewing the delegates with suspicion, received and entertained thoin most cordially. Thero was A littlo "contravention" unwittingly committed by ono of tho commercial delegates on land ing at Papeete, but it was all amicably explained and sottled. Tho gentleman in question was taking ashore a copy of Barraud's " New Zealand Illustrated,'' with tho object of presenting it to the Commtnvial Club, wlion ho was pounced upon by an "olishus ofishul," who impounded tho book ns contraband cargo. Tho delegato pluckily dotormined to stick to his book, howevor, and tho Customs ollicer, with delegato and book in his custody, drovo oil'in a buggy in the direction of tho prison. Howovor, the dolegato persu ided tho official to call on tho Director of the Interior boforo consigning him to a duneeon, and there was littlo dilliculty in convincing tho higher functionary that nothing worse than an innocent mis take had beon made. This will bo apparent when 1 state that printed books are admitted duty free, and tho pole offence consisted in landing tho book without a written pormit. Such is the unvarnishod tale of the smuggling exploit and the 1,000 francs fine.

As I havo hinted, there woro quite onough actual experiences of an amusing description, witheut any necessity for inventing ridiculeus canards. There wore, for instanco, tho adventures of three of tho delegates with an equal number of Princesses of the blood royal at Tongatabu, not to mention tho more exciting exploits of the dolegato who wont ashore all alono to witness a native dance at the houso of the Princess Anazieno, a lady of great "weight" in tho community ! At Samoa, again, there was a ludicrous contretemps through certain gravesoigneurs among the delegates being hailed as " Kissy-Kissy " by tho dark but comely damsels of the land, who cherished pleasant reminiscences of the vhit of Mr John Lundon. There was also seen the solemn farce of a delegate formally restoring to King Malietoa his stolon seal, in tho prcFonco of hi* Ministers and Secrotaries of Stnte ; and the screaming comedy of " Turn Him Out" was witness! at tho German Company's works, where a too inquisitivo dolegato wos all but kicked out by tho irato manager, who did not relish commercial rivals poking their noses into every branch of the business.

Turning again to the bright oriont clime of Tahiti,what merry pranks were indulged in ! It was thoro that the celebrated Captain Cook went long ago to observe tho transit of Venus; but my foathored talebearer tells of more delightful achievements in the prooont day among tho enchanting Yon uses of that pleasant clime; of dusky damsels who danced tho "hula-hula" before, behind, and around tho wondering New Zealanders, till the dryest stick and baldest baldhoad ef tho venerable lot felt hi« pulsei quicken with a now joy. But sic transit gloria muntli. This "transit of Venus" proved a very transitory affair, and well that it did so, or somo of the com mercial representatives might havo been tempted to do a littlo contraband exporting of live stock. At Karotonga, too, what a taerry 'meeting was that at Queen Mepe Paa's, when one of the delegates recited a poem in praise of the island beauties, and the natives responded by offering wives to the whole of the European visitors. AVhat a curious midnight rencontre was that in which a certain gentleman wns waylaid by a dusky damsel, who gently stroked his flowing board, and employed all her blandishing arts, till he was compelled in self-dofonce to avow that he was a missionary, and thus cscapo from the toils !

The most amusing sceno of all was on this same lovely islo of Kirotongs. It was at a dinner given by the Now Zealand colonists of Karotonga in honour of tho visitors, and a crowd of natives had been hanging around the vorandahp, watching the "papa" as they feasted, and sang, and orated. Later on tho nativo3 were invited in, and they sang, in their native tongue, " Pull for the JSho'ro," and pome songs of tho "hula hula " persuasion, to the great delight of the strangers. Then, at a hint from a plantor, a whole crowd of the native girls made a rush at an unmarried man among tho visitors and literally smothered him with kisses. What a sweet quarter of an hour that bashful young man had, and how uproarious wa3 tho mirth of the assembled company when, after submitting to the embraces of the dusky ladies for a time heplucked up courage aid assumed the offensive against tine attacking force—suddenly developing "kissy-kissy" proclivities of the most advancedtypo ! All theso,and more than these, havo beon told mo in full by that littlo bird, but I refrain from exposing to ridicule tho 'jrave fathers of families by recounting all theirdoingsin the "Summer Isles of Eden." Suffice it to say, that however I may thirst after tho honour of being sent to report on South Sea Island resources, " Mrs Zamiel " (who of course ia the sharer of my confidence) firmly declareß that if I should over go, she will accompany mo. In these circumBtancee tho reader will understand why I reconcile myself to my old stay-at-home routine.

The frequency of advertisements for wives in tho eolonU! papers, to cay nothing tho results of Hannaford'a experiments in too matrimonial agenc\ business, show that a considerable number of bachelors scattored through the country are prepared to guarawteo bed and board to any likoly looking young woman willing to run the risks ol a chanco dip into tho matrimonial lucky bat. A good many of theso advertisements', however, are, I boiievo, inserted "fora lark," and some, porhaps, for even moro reprehensible purposes. I would, therefore, caution girls against being taken in by them. It seems a little curious that w ',ilo there are so many spinsters in our cities pining in unappreciated single blessed IV3fl« any industrious man should havo to do bis "'wooing by proxy, but then we must remember that in asparfioly-settled country Nature's vnalth In "bonmo lassea" is unevenly distributed, and some young mon are too morbidly bashful to carrya suit to a BuccoM-ful issue.

Ono of the favourite English delusions about the colonies is the idea that Polly, who has missed "her last chance" in England, can fafely count upon a good market for her homely charms in the cilonioß. Philanthropic but misguided pjoplo in Eng'and have actually started Sjciotieß to ship out to Australasia young Indies of the governess class with the mistaken idea that thoy are sending them to a female Paradise. They little know what sufferings such girls may undergo when landed friendless on a strange shore. Mr Hayter, tho Government Statist of Victoria has lately exploded tho idea that tho colon'ios odor good markets for clearing oil' tho surplus fcmalo population of Great Britain by showing thai in \ ictwiti there i ••■ already a superabundance of umniapabli eitU as compared with the number of oH"iblo bachelors. Tho fact 18, that while mo°Bfc women are desirous of marrying, a vory large number oi mon—lrom Jiabit circumatancoe, and other causes—arc uot in

a position to marry,or n"n mrulHng to lake upon themsolves fnnilv re*p"in»ihi!ltii'.s Thn proportion of this elns-i to the tut til population is much greater in now countries than in England, and henro, though the sexes aio numerically moi-o equal in the colonies than iii Grvnt Britain, tho nvitri inonial market is very little, if any, better.

Some surprise may not unnaturally bo felt that while women so abound Betsy hait all her own way, a*id wo are a.l her dutiful subjoots. The prejudice against doinoi ■ tic service is simply a-touii<lin'.r. con-i-loiing the facility with which ompl.-iyment U obtained and tho largenocs of the emoluments. It is an ab.-oluto rovcsal of tho law of trade that thi.s occupation should be so poorly supplied while every other class of fetnalo employment is so overstocked that stout girls can be got to work eight hours aday at fatiguing callings for nothing. In all of tho muehrun-upon trades providing occupation for women, twelve m mths' pervice without pay is invariably insisted upon, and it is accounted a favour oven to (rot admission on theso terms. These samo girls could immediately support theinsolves, and obtain comfortable homos, with fair wages, if they cho-o to enter domestic eorvieo. Where tho force ot prejudice leads a woman, however, let not foelish man attempt to bar the way. Though I humbly confess my incapacity to sco it, thero mutt bo some badgo of gentility about sowing and pressing corduroy breechos and making up feminine attire, or why do those adorable creatures whoso instinct for tho true, tho beautiful, and relincd wo all acknowledge, prefer that to tho pursuit of those domestic duties in which their mothers are engaged, and which they acknowledge as thciriiiituralsphoro whenever any simpleton in search of domestic peaiv and comfort is fool enough to call one of them from tho work-room to preside over his household ?

"Friend Zamiol " (writos aTapueonespondont), "if you do,' writo fur fun,' and with no aim, you manage to make a good score of bulls' oyes and centres. You recently inontioncd a dospatcll which had boon printed by the A moor of Afghanistan having reference to the "Lost Tribes of Israel." If you have not met with, it yon will linda very interesting nccount of tho Jows in Afghanistan in " Public Opinion," of Mny 22nd, extracted from tho ".Jewish World," (riving full particulars of tho Afghanistan origin. Yon say "The features of "tho Afghans lend colour to I his tradition . . but their language—a much safer puitlo— goes in the opposite direction and almost disproves it." Among philologists lnnguago has coasod to be regarded ac a test of nice ; it was found to bo so untenable »n argument that it has been of Into yeaw gonorally abandoned. Language is proof of social contnc'jbutnot of breed. How many generations does it tnko tho progeny of Gorman emigrants to tho United States to lose tho tongue of their fatherland, and become members of tho English ppenking race? Many ot'nor instances will doubtless suggest themselves to you. The grammatrical construction ot a language is more reliablo evidence than the vooabu lary, Compare tho English language of A.U. 1000 with the present, and mail; tho growth of words, yet tho main principals, of inflexion have been maintained throughout all the changes. Therefore the tradition of the Afghans may bo founded on fact, in spito of tho language." Just so, tho Afghans may bo tho lost ton tribes, and tho British mny bo tho same lot ; but it is quito impossible, don't you sco, that all tho claimants to that honour ca-n bo tho true heirs of tho promises.

For oxamplo, the Zulus of South Africa and tho ancient Aztcou nf America liavo been plainly " identified " at difforont periods as tho lost children of Israel. Tho Aztec claim may be considered as aban doned for that interesting race has somehow got " lost " once moio, and thoro i 3 a double process of identification required iri their case. But tho Zulus are still to tho foro, and it soems that they, liko tho Afghans, have traditionary lore which inferentially "identities" them with the Jewish race. Tho Zulu language may be primitive enough to bo " identified " with Hebrew, but the peoplo are woolly headed netrroes, and a very knotty ethnological dilKeulty is at onco raised which I don't kno'v how tho Anglolsraolites. get over, Certain it is, some Anglo-Israol writers aro just as positive about tho Zulus as thoy are about tho Afghans (or themselves for that matter) being tho truo descendants of tho-o wandering ' babes in tho wood " who have boon lost for so many conturies; and I can only suppose that climatic intluenco will bo considered sufficient to have transformed the Caucasian into "tho negro typo of humanity. Tho whole subject, looked at by one capablo of taking a comprehensive view, is a hopeless muddle. Two of the marks pf identity relied upon in the case of the British people are—the "strango speech" and tho altered features. Now, if theso'two marks aro eseonti.il, tho Afghans fall short in tho matter of feature*l, 03 many of them have deeidodly .Fowieh rf0863. Language and physique are the two permanent things relied upon by ethno'o gists in tracing a race, but both theso aro pitched overboard as valueless by tho AngloIsraelites. Let, "Tapu" look at another "lost" race—the Maori people, scattered all ovor the Pacific Ocean-and nek himself how tho immigrations°and origin of theso numerous tribes could be followed out were if not for the plain finger posts of physique and language. Aftor those two faetcrs come tradition, religion and customs, which are often of sreat value in supplying links of missing history. The caso cc between English, Afghan, and Zulu claimants would seem to stand thus : —The English pooplo havo nothing but religion which \TOu!d point to tho Jewish origin, and of course French, Italian, Russian, and Spaniard havo all the same mark. Tho Afghans havo physique and tradition in favour of their claiai, while tho Zulus havo nothing but dim tradition. Certainly ; I agreo with my friord that tho Afghans may be the lost sheep of Israel; that is, if there ovor were any lost Israolitoj.

I give tho following letter without comment, having littlo desire to minglo :n the pigmy-and-crano strife of tho local Parliamentary Union : —

" Dear Zaraiel, - Would you bo so kind as to spare mo a littlo apace in your much appreciated column for a fow lines to the Hon. Member for Podger. I am so sorry the information I conveyed to you regarding the Parliamentary Union lias caused such a ilutter in the upper story of tho hon. member as to lead him to look down in compassion upon mo, and I hasten to do tho nmnme honourable, or, I should gay, set tho matter right, bcoiuso if I u?e big words, Podger will think I am trying to imitate him, and you know, dear Znmiol, with my 'Spartan Simplicity,' I never could ' lacerate my sonsifcivo feelings ' by dealing in high flown phrases and longwinded pontences, but have a lovo for the simplo and true. I supposo it is not prosumption on my part to nddress the hon. member, becauso, botweon you and me, I havo heard say he is a big man and actually ono of tho Cabinet. I may be mistaken, I think I mnit be, for surely if ho occupies that position ho would never throw out tho sarcastic hit ho does upon his colloaguo, tho Attorney-Goncral, However, bo he who ho may, I think your 'unsophisticated, bucolic, (that makes me laugh, 'Znmicl'!') and young friond ' will bo able to show him that this time his sarcasm has run wild,and for onco the oraclo has spoken without his book.

"To the Hon. Member for Podgor. Sir, —Whilo acknowledging your groat intellectual ability, and tho benefits you have conferred upon mankind, I bog to point out to you that your letter to my honoured friond ' Zamiol' ia full of surmises which are misloading and incorrect. You have evidently missed tho mark, and 1 feel in duty bound to my constituents to point out that your description of their momber ie altogether wrong, lam not a member of a mutual improvement clasa. I havo never had tho pleasuro of discussing the subjects you mention in your letter, and as far as Parliamentary oxporienco is concerned, my own will compare favourably with most members of the Auckland Parliamentary Union Without, I hope, appearing egotieticnl, I may say I havo had tho honour of a seat in tho Cabinet of a local House whoso members included British Members of Parliament, and which in numbers, ability, and intercut, was second to fow in England. Tho {treat fact impressed upon my friend 'Zamiel' was tho absonca of young men. This you admit, and^l havo thus gained my point as such a union is essential for tho education and training of young men in political thought and public speech. I have not spaco to say more, but some day I hope you and I will cro<s sworJson tho floor of the local House, and the best man will win. Until then, J remain, youra &c, Tin; MiausKß i-vut Slouu-m."

Auckland has several well-known charactors, and not tho least of thoso U that groaecr uf tho wheels that carry the car of

justieeon (uit.'j,;'n ' "■ '•' :!n >l! '■'• "''' ''■'• ' who koi.-rn '• ,-ihj •• ■--.' ''■■■ I'.ilii-o '.\.:<vi: Thi-i iii.iivuliin' i • ;;-■ -1 f-'votiriti; with those who know him ■iiiii..-i-nil; In luHcrstand si:-;; !.£■= b-iit :.-* ■■■■-•• <\::'.:< hi.-, bin). Oiia of " Ua.-.V1 gio.'.ict. ti-iiilhln" is thfl pcrsi.s'ei.eo of tho "t-Mr' imwn-lu-il " in blocking up theoiiM'.iiiivi.il I'huCoiirt-hnn.'o, and hi.-) p:itionra m-or.-iy tax-d ynmitioics by tho ol'.-iinar.'y i)f intruder-, fl ■_■ is. huwover, a gixisi rrspci-'pi1 pf persons, and his judgment rarely fails T'w other day, however, by [iljini'-ijr too much I'i'liaiico on dress "M'ie" " puMiin too! inlo it " flu accoiml of the tib-oiu'o uf Ih Sup'rinluiident of IV'i\v, fim-w [<i?p ci'nr look com nmnd if thi' An 'klaud ?t.Hfii"i. Uy so:no strange ovcrß:;;hr. inn gentleniMn wa* no! introduced to so important a por.-<ona;jo as "Mac." The mornini; uftcr hi* arrival the Inspector visited tho I'olieo Court, and with tho natural instinct-*1 of n member of tho force blocked up tho doorway. Almost immediately the angle eve of " the regular dustman" was upon him, " and "Mac" g.ivo the nbetractionisti r. very plain hint that ha would lind room among tho crowd. Of (Mur-'O the Inspector smiled sanlonicnliy nnd n iiiiu dhis po<ition, which so oxae-peratoil ".Mae" that ho was bearing down with looks of thunder wlu-u a brolhurcon.'tnblo, saAu^ how miiltersHtu >"d, informed him of I lie littlo mistnko. Tin's changed " Aine'.s " modo »f prncoiluro. lli< solemn vL'dgo becamooverspread withnn expansive- Hinilu of rocogiiition as ho huriied to get tha lnspcrler a chair, with all the ooremony duo to a suporior ollii:or.

Another instilled (if mistaken xenl on (ho part of a "member of the foarco," whoso name is more htmhliLv than M* lemppr, no currcd shortly after the incident aln-mly mentioned. The '• bos.-j" of all the hlnocoats was sunnir.g hiin*clf in tho passage leading to thegii'.irdrooinof the si at ion when tho eneivet,iefon-t able afore-aid (such being the lanijunjjo of the brothorhood) in mnki'ig a sudden entry came into cuUi-ion with tho intruder. The Inspector smiled good naturedly, and the constable being one nf " the generation uhich knew not .losenli," mistook his superior ollicer for a civilian, andt-vrtly inquired "What the Wankhom-aut by gottingin tho way?" A eh'ilin;; rojoindor from the- Inspector did not improve matters, and tho "Colonial Robert" bocoming exceedingly wroth, suddenly clapped hands on tho inspector and "ran him ill" iri II milliner which rellrc'ed le.-s credit, upon his difCl'otion than his valour. When the conHlabk and his irisonor j;ot into thn guaid room, ho.vo^er. the latter ws iinmuiliiitoly recognised by those i:i charge and he was released "without a stain on his clu.rartar." Then all [nvsoiit cnj-iycd a hearty laugh at tho ditcumlited i:olicem.'in.

A vtvy good story of mistaken identity is tuld of another Mac. occupying n mnro exalted station. Tho version 1 havo heard, but cannot guarantee, runs thus : — Shortly after his appointment as District Judge, His Honor went on circuit t.i Hamilton, and being an early bird, strolled down to the Court-hoii'r ti'rst thing in the morning to sco what business awaited his attention at tho fitting of tho Court. While leisurely engaged inspecting tho interim' (if tho building and in'iikjing in his usuul morning whitl", tlio 1!..» i. catnc bustling in tn prepare thing* for the new Judge, wi'h whose personal appearance ho wa j entirely unacquainted. Upr-n p-itohinjj sidil of tho intruder, ho mistook him For an oxpooted new bailiff, and after admini'teiing c proper reproof on tha cnormiiy of smoking jin the temple of Justice, oidercd tho delinquent to i'ft tho broom and sweep yip tho I'ourt-hou-c. Tho Judge, being ■m invuleralu wag, obcyrd with al;i"iiiv, hu' mum tho X.SI. withdrawing, took the opportunity of making his c-rapc. At a later hour when liis Honor appeared for tho pnrpo.-c of dis posing of the bu'ine.-" of the day, thoro wan eonsternntion wild depicted on the conntonance nf tho brother "beak" who hail treated him so unceremoniously,

Tho Island m;ul steamer Janet Kinoll is expected in h.irb.iur tonight, on hur way back to Tonga, Samoa, and I lie ro»i of thoso "Cannibal 1.-l-iuds." 1 lcirn with interest that tho Bishop of Dmudin, along with ;<m Arohdcncoi nnd mine

mis-ionanes, arc going down mi this trip " to extend commercial .relations," 1 suppose in reality, tho'igh ostensibly to evangoiiso the poor heathen. If <;o\l lMchop Nevillo only knew it, thoro U !,.-- need of missionaries in Tonga. Simon, Ttihiti, or Uarft'oiga than Ihoru i« in Duntdiu ; mid in piety, honesty, and good behaviour geuorally (lie natives could "j/ive points"

to tho inii'D ijiii'l population oi the Southern C:ipit;:l. [liTievcr, as the running d? the mail pteimor U specially dovi-rd to further trade with tho Islandj I v, ill charitably puppiso that tho Hishop and hi? as-ijtants uro actuitod by a singleminded licsr; to extract inoro dollars from tho simple savages. These iluiky pooplo aro not so imlutonil »•< m-my suppose, for (ho natives of [tiiratongalu'M a late mifsionary in i-'cnsmit rtuicmbrancu by tho nmio of ".Money dill" from the earnestness with which ho always im proffcd thfl Chri.-tii'ii duty of giving. BMiop Ncviho will fiiul it n hard task to cajole more mosey o:it oi them, for they arc already taxed very heavily for their roligion, the mifsionarius charfring ihum S.« and sninetimos \H< for a lU'dlc wliidi !.■ supplied by tin Ilible Society for v shi'ling or so. I won ler, really, if tho patcrnu! N'.-w ZonhitnUtovornmentaro paying the pa-.«agc-of tho Bi^hnp and tho Aichde ceon, ha they did for tho othor commercial dclegatoi !

And talking of the Jntirt Kicoll, 1 .-co fron tho papers that shomwlo things lively at sea by her pleasant habit of rolliiiji-, pitching, and kicking about generally, It was expected that thu yuuen of Kurotongu would havo boon a passenger to Auckland, and would havo helped to stoady I'm steamer, but tho hope proved delusive, as tho lady resolved not to coino till the warmer weather sots in. Tho giddy .Tar.ofc NicoU'* light headodncss ia to bo ro-necliod by tho taking in of a good load of ballivt on the present, trip. To give the pii.^onguiv on this occasion an idea of wlmt tlioy will mif's, I give hero a fow voivch descriptive of tho lively Janet's antics on the occasion of hor last Island tour : — THffi DEL.Er4A.TES" CHORUS. JairtNio'-l, .Tanot Nienll. Frisky maidc.ii. fajpc nnd flcldo. Sending, witli yr.ur constant jirnnnintr, Deletes and dishes dancing ! Janet Nlooll, Janet Nleoll. You've l'Ut v.' in a pretty pickfr. Whilo tlic.jovir.l Captain Mutton, ])oi» not ;<eem tj care a b: tton! .Tanot ' icoll. Janet Xicoll. You Iho poei'n fan^y licklo: Fro'icsome Blim-wniatod niniilnn, Glad and joyo«s, li^Qtly laden! Uollinf; nor tho Sq'ith I'aciflc With a motion quito torrilli:; Till rid Heath (■ mica with Ms r>k'!;ic, We'll not fon;ct tho Janet Nicoll!