HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXI, Issue 4193, 24 November 1883, Page 12 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

Said a wild boy to a lecturer: "You'd make a good martyr. You'd burn woll. Yoa'ro so dry.'

■When Mrs F. asked for a new bonnet, Mr F. promptly refused. "A man and wifo are one." he said, "and it is a duty to practice self-denial upon all possible occasions."

" Did you dust tho furniture this morning, Alary?" asked tho mistress. "No, ma'am," replied Mary ; " it didn't need it. It had all the dust on it that it could easily hold."

Mamma: "And now, Bertio, you'have chatted enough. Shut your eyes, hold your tongue, and go to sleep." Bertie : " How can I do three things at once, mamma ?" The lato 51 r Justice Hayes, as is well known, was a wit. On the trial of the cause of Woodcock v. Bird, before the late Lord Chief Justice Jervis, at Warwick, the Chief Justice having remarked that it was a pity that two " birds " should not live in harmony, Hayes replied : "Yes, it is, my lord; but my client complains of tho length of the plaintiff's bill." A New York engraver recently made this mistake: "Mr and Mrs respectfully request your presents at the marriage of their daughter."

•Literary Matron.—" What does Shakospear moan by his frequent use of tho phrase 'Goto ?' " Matter-of-fact husband : " Well, perhaps ho thought it wouldn't bo polito or proper to finish the sentence." An exchange tell of a young lady who, after a happy marriago of six months, on boing asked if she was much troubled with cold feet, simpered hesitating, and with simplicity replied, " Ye-yes, but—there not my own."

Walter (to cook): "George, the gent at Bumbor three says as his potatoos ain't good —says as thoy'vo all got black eyes in 'em." George (real namo Patrick), " Bedad, thin, it's no fault o'mino. Tho spalpeens m st havo been foighting after I put 'em in tho pot."

Whoever doubts that tho nowspapers havo a mission should enter a tram and sco how useful they aro to the men when a fat woman with a big basket is looking around for a seat.

Heard on iho platform of a railway station :—" Guard, why didn't you wako mo up as I nsked yon '! ' Here 1 am, miles beyond ray station !" Uuurd :" I did try, sir, but all I could got you to suy was, ' All right., Mnrio, gee the children their breakfast, and I'll bo down in a minute !' "

Why " the boy stood on tho burning dock!" Tho hoy wusnn angel in disguise, and had nothing to sit do« v upon.

Tho poot who wrote "tho child is father of tho man," was Komowlmt disconcerted when a practical friend asked him how tho eiwo would bo in tho ovent of tho child being a girl.

Hero is a good story about a boy of sovon years. His mother took him to rco an old uncle, who wun very deaf and had an cartrumpot. After watching his undo using tho trumpet, Pierre finally Kaid, "Mamma, why docs undo try to mnko miwlo out of that horn with his ear, when ho lias tried a hundred times and knows ho can't do it? "

A sub-committeo of a school committee were examining a class in n proprietary school. One of tlio momborH undertook to sharpen up their vita by propounding tho following question :—lf I hail a minco-pie and gavo two-twolths (o John, two-twolths to Isaac, two-twolths to Hairy, and should keop half tho pio for myself, what would there bo loft ? There was a profound study tho boys, but finally one lad hold up his hand as a signal that ho was ready to answer. " Well, sir, what would thoro bo left ? Speak up, loud, so that all can hear," said tho committee-man. "Tho plate!" shouted the hopoful fellow. The committee man turned rod in tho faco, while the other members roared aloud. The boy wits excused from answering any more questions.

A traveller, inquiring at a feudal castlo whether ho could see tho antiquities of the placo, received the simplo answer from n servant: "I am sorry, sir, my lady and her daughters have gono to town."

Making the best of it is a good rulo for everybody. " What is tho matter?" asked n lawyer of his coachman. " Tho horses are running away, sir." "Can you not pull them up?" "I am afrnid not." <<Then," said tho lawyer, after judicial delay, "run into something cheap."

A tall, stylish-looking woman, loading a greyhound, passed the balcony of a hotel, on which two gentlemen were standing. "What a beautiful creature I" exclaimed one of them, in a voico that proved loud enough for the lady to hear. '1 urning very red in the faco she glanced angrily at tho speaker and said : " You have no rij,'ht to insult mo, «ir." " Excuse me, madam," he replied, "I was alluding to your dog."

A professor advertises in a Liverpool papor that ho will "euro snoring for livo shillings." Mou, who are in tlio habit of snoring for livo shillings, should, consult him, \Vo never snore for so small an amount. It doesn't cost any moro to snore foi' ten thousand pounds.

"Why doos a cockney drop the h's off soino of his words ? " asked T'owd Mon of a neighbour the othor day. "So that ho may tack 'em on to othor words," was the reply; " that is to say, if ho puts an h on his eggs ho must tako it oil"his ham."

On ono occasion, an Sterne entered a coffee-room lit York, a stranger, staring him full in the fnco, insultingly said that ho hated a parson. Storno instantly replied, " And so, sir, does my dog, for as 1 put on my gown and cassock he falls a-barking." " Indeod ; and how long has ho dono so ? " asked the stranger. " Ever sinco ho was a puppy, sir," repliod Sterne ; " and you may depend upou it lie will feel the same antipathy as long as he remains one."

"Is it true," inquired a delicate young widow, " that when tho mato of the wild gooso dies it nover takes another 1" " Yes, madam, it is perfectly true," said tho doctor; "but don't you worry about that. It only acts that way because it is a goose."

Minnie Palmer burst into tears because the Edinburgh students insisted on joining in her songs when she sung them on the stage. No wonder. Wo should think it would m.ilcc anybody cry to hear a party of Scotch students sing a funny song. " Yes," said tho di'Uk'giut, " I'm very sorry I gave Mr Snnggs tho wrong dose by mistake and ho died, lie's the second good Customer I've robbod myself of in that way this year."

Being at an Oxfordshire farmer's for a littje snipe-shooting, tlie guests shouldered their guns one morning and sallied forth. Presently a singlo bird rose ; ono of the sportsmen took careful aim and fired. The bird dropped dead. Noticing that his host's faco bore a look of intense disgust, ho asked what ailed him. " Well," said ho, "strikes mo wo may's well go back whoam. That bo the only snipe on t' farm. That burrd have give all my friends sport for months, /or ijary one 8f 'em could hit him."