A CLEFT STICK.

Auckland Star, Volume XXI, Issue 4193, 24 November 1883, Page 11 (Supplement)

A CLEFT STICK.

From " Temple Bah."

tf o there was no doubt about it; I had link a great d.eal more thnn was good for c as my achinS hcllcl and Parched month mlt too painfully proved. It was not the fobyter salad-I scorned the deception ; it >a3 the champagne. I had always mnin-j-uned that picnics were a mistake, and noir i was certain of it. : Tto not misunderstand me when I say picare a mistake. Your real, rural halfSomptu picnic with a few intimate friends • ; 'Se pleasant spot away from the busy 'humdrum of everyday life is pleasant Sen ; but what I Inveigh against is that Sst of luxuries, conveyed in a perfectly ivnnointed luncheon basket to some hack*ived feasting place by "pampered Sals," and in which the only variety torn everyday luncheon consists in that it iTeaten in an uncomfortable position, inland of the orthodox comfortable one. . And this had been the case yesterday. Besides, the company had not been to my We Imagine a single man, or indeed any man picnicking with three engaged couples. Could the most contented of mortals have ■been happy under such circumstances ? True, there had been a few odd, middleaged outsiders, but what of that? Ah, what indeed 1 and as my memory began to -collect its scattered particles, 1 had more ■ .<jause than ever to curse that picnic. We had been up the river, a party of twelve; yes, that was it; and finding that no blandishments on my part could distract the course of true love of any one of the three engaged misses from their faithful swains, I had c'en been obliged to fall back upon one of the "odd" members of the party. Urged on my wild career by desperation and frequent glasses of champagne, I had made violent love to a maiden lady of— well, of a certain age. She had been too agreeable, that was her only fault. What Blight I not have committed myself to in my efforts to drown ennui? Who knows? perhaps I had proposed to her. Well, she had been very charming, why not? Great heavens ! she was forty if she was a day, and , perhaps, bah ! perhaps she was " made-up." At least, I remember she appeared to possess a certain amount of good looks, but ' .how was Ito know that those dark lashes I -were not the result of antimony ; those .languishing glances, bolladonna; that complexion, arsenic ; those delicate white hands, ■bismuth? —and, now, too, I remembered that I had promised to call upon her. She lived .at Kensington. Happy thought! perhaps I had mislaid her address. 1 jumped off my chair with more alacrity than I had thought possible, and rummaged in- my pockets for the card she had given me. She i said with a bewitching smile that she was quite sure I should forget the address un- ■ less I had that card. No such luck ; there it was, only too pal- ■ pable to the naked eye. I sat down again i, to the pretence of breakfast I had been making during these reveries. An unwelcome knock at the door, followed by a more ;unwolcome intruder, put an abrupt end to them. " Hullo, Charlie, old man I" exclaimed my hated visitor, "how are you? Look ;' .seedy : been up all night, or what ?" " Oh. go to the deuce," I answered testily. "Thanks; you always were a hospitable kind of fellow, but I hardly expected so I "warm a reception as this." (I should add that the spokesman was my I "cousin, which may account, perhaps, for the lack of ceremony between us.) , " Well, I tell you what it is, Ralph, lam j ; -awfully down on my iuek, and don't want ;V -any of your chaff this morning." " Oh, if it's a matter of a fiver or so, why I didn't you say so before? You know you I may always count on mo to oblige you at a pinch." " Bosh !my dear fellow, it's not that. I I am a littlo off colour, that's all. Don't you g|; -see " " Whew—w, I think I do see now ! A H woman in the case, of course. What an awH iul duffer I must have been not to have seen rfM a* first !" I (How I hate tho familiarity of relationH ihip which Beems to arrogato to itself the Hi right to pry into and expose all one's per- , sonal affairs ! Believe me, relations are a ?. great mistake. I felt at this moment that I V$S would gladly have attended the execution of ■ ■one and all of mine. There wns tho govornor ij^:—-dear old man ! —he always took a savage ,'rf'i-delight in telling me that I should live to s: make a fool of myself ono day, and thore is ■_':', generally a half-truth in what that old man ;s[»observes, but the suspicion that disagreeij&aWe home truths are true, does not make I them any tho more palatable to tho recipiont ~-of them, does it ?) S "Look here, Ralph," I said, "lam not '■ijjjfcin the humour for humbug this morning, so : let us drop the subject of my appearance *%j»*nd its cause altogether. Have you seen thegov. '!" ;~■'..■" Yes, saw him just as ho was going out I'for his morning constitutional. Ho looked HJp-ifit' enough." ; I winced at this overt dig at my tender ■ • Spot. I " Well, suppose you go down stairs and ',y'«moke while I finish breakfast, and then /we'll see how to pass an hour or two." I My tormentor was gorie at last, thank ''Pjfjoodness ; but what was the torment of his '■■'$} presence to that of my own mind ? ll:1.; -There was no getting out of it. I must ■^call upon my elderly charmer, and that without delay. The longer matters were ■Jut off the worse they would appear. (f|.l went down stairs and found Ralph ;a«mokingj Pah ! I could not have smoked JjUtbis morning to have saved my life. U "I suppose you have nothing to do up ■Jjpill luncheon time, Ralph ? Will you come ' for a drive? I have a morning call to pay ? " ||' " Thought so; but why wouldn't you V:jSpeak the truth at onoe? Who is she?" sy ."Time enough for you to know that ,v iwhen you've seen her," I answered surlily. ■ ! "Will you come ? I shall have to leave you outside." ■"" All right, old man ; anything to further , ; ''.>.siß" interests of a friend. I don't mind ::'jj%ing Leporello to your Don Juan for "I- ■• Dace," ;;; .We drove to Kensington. The brilliant iffgto seemed to mock my gloomy thoughts, . .•sad my spirits fell to zero as we approached ■ "the house. i "Was Miss Damian at home?" X "Yes, Miss Damian was at homo." My last loophole of escape was closed. I /■entered the house, and had not been seated ■:? w^minutes when the door opened, and a i 4»rfeot vision of loveliness greeted my as- - wnislied gaze. -/.Picture to yourself the most beautiful Watnre your eyes ever rested on, or your . ; Imagination conjured up in the form of a :i;*mnan, and apply the result to the present ■caee, • -.Her eyes, her complexion, her figure! "Bat I will not attempt to describe them, ■ , Mtfear they should clash with your mdi- ' ;VMnal ideal of beauty, and so destroy the V ulnsion. ; vShe could not have been more than nine- ; Men or twenty. Was this my "elderly .•;»: : warmer" of yesterday? No, there must : w some mistake. ;;-■• ■ The vision came forward with a seraphic f Sfflile of ill-disguised amusement at my evi- -. <wnt astonishment. "; ''Miss Damian?" I stammered.

I am Miss Damian, Miss Ethel Dumian, in my aunt's house, and my aunt desires mo to express her regret at being unablo to see you tms morning. She caught a slight cold on the river yestorday, but she hopes you will call again very soon." That voice ! What can I liken it to in order to convey an idea of its mellifluous sound? All the old similes of nightingales and running water pal© before such perfection. c

"I am deli—l mean I am distressed beyond measure—or—what an extremely warm day!"

'' You appear to find it so ; I had thought it rather cool."

"What I meant to say was" (I was becoming more confused, and stumbling deeper into difficulties at every step) " what I meant to aay was that I ought to be indebted to almost any accident which was the means of introducing me to Miss Damian's niece, although I had no idea of expressing anything but regret at Miss Damian's illness."

" Qui s'excuse, s'accme, so no more compliments to me at my aunt's expense, if you please. How did the picnic go off? I was prevented from going, unfortunately." "It was delightful!" (Heaven forgivo me for the falsehood !) "Indeed, lam indebted to your aunt for all the pleasure I extracted from it. Without her it would have been dull enough." "Ah, my Aunt Barbara has been adding yet another victim to her train of admirers, I see!"

" What do you mean ? Surely " " Yes, it is my painful duty to state that Aunt Barbara is a confirmed flirt. Papa used to say that his sister Barbara would ilirt with a pair of tonga for lack of anything better, and she has gone on practising her amiable weakness all through life. Indeed, I always tell her that my time is spent in following her about like a sheep dog, to play propriety. Do not be alarmed; she means nothing serious. It is her only foible. We are very much attached to one another, and she is always in all things my very dear Aunt Barbara."

The charm of tho speaker's manner entirely carried off any sense of brusquerie that this unconvontional declaration might have otherwise impressed me with.

Tho ice once being broken, I sat on, talking with my vision, quite oblivious to the throes of impatience that Ralph might be feeling outside in his hansom.

At last it was time to go. "I may call again, maj' I not?"

"I hope so, or Aunt Barbara will feel greatly disappointed at our lack of fealty to her."

I left the house over head and ears in love. I had been in lovo many times before ; in fact, I had always boen falling in love ever since I was fifteen, but this time there was no doubt about it.

" No need to ask what luck, Charlie," exclaimed Ralph, as I bounded into tho hansom, "for 'Accepted' is written in huge capitals all over your face." "Ralph, she is an angel I" "Ah! they most of them are, I notice, until they are married."

I deigned no reply to this insulting remark, out drove back in silent ecstasy, leaving Ralph to his own meditations.

But every sweet has its accompanying bitter, and the reaction of my miserable position upon the lost blissful hour was harder to bear than before. Why, it was ever so much worse. Here was I pledged, perhaps, to tho aunt, whilo I was desperately in love with tho niece. I recalled tho words that my vision had uttered regarding her aunt's foible, as sho termed it, but ev«n this could not offer any strong solace to me. How could sho know to what extent matters had gone? Thore was no help for it; I must go to the governor, like the returned prodigal, and confeis my dilemma, even at the risk of being called every epithet expressive of tho plain and ugly word " fool" in his extensive vocabulary. Ho waa sitting in tho library. I felt an intolerably-sneaky sensation creeping over me, and an inexpressible desiro to got behind myself as I opened the door and walked, or rather edged, mysolf into the room.' All my courage was oozing out at my finger-tips like Bob Asres'. Tho sooner the matter was over the bottor for me, howover, so I broke headlong into my confession.

At first, of course, tho old man was furious. " I always had been a fool, and now I was going to commit the greatest folly of all, and tie myself up to some woman old enough to be my mother, of whom nobody knew anything, and who, for all we could guess, might not oven bo respectable," and so forth, in tho usual manner of irate fathers when they have got tho whip-hand of their orring sons. I bore it all meekly enough, and at last calmed tho explosion by throwing myeolf upon his morcy and asking him to help mo out of tho fix. Tho ruse was successful.

"We must see my elderly charmer together ; we had bettor call to-morrow. No? Well, then, tho next day, and ho would sco what there was to be clone"

And so ended the interview between tho governor and myself. I folt reliovod, but I could not feel at rest until this dreaded call was over.

The governor was very good all that day, He generally did turn up trumps at the real crisis.

Tho next day after lunch ho proposed a stroll in the Row, as he said, to distract my attention from tho painful and absorbing topic that engrossed it. We had been walking up and down, stopping now and again to greet some passing friend, when I suddonly saw my vision beforo me. It could bo no other; there was not a face among all the beauties present that could have compared with or bo mistaken for hers. She was sitting under the shade of one of the great elms, daintily dressed in some diaphanous, creamy-white material, and loekingworo bewitching than ever. And that lady sitting besido her— why that, of course, was she to whom I believed myself engaged, my elderly charmer. In my self-accusing hour of remorse I had done her an injustice. There was no ' 'make up " there. She was dressed in good taste and as became her age. Any disinterested person would have pronounced her a decidedly elegant woman, well preserved for 40, if, indeed, she were so much, and with no small pretension to good looks. I started involuntarily, and the governor observed it.

" Well, Charlie, what's amiss now ?" "Why," I answered, growing suddenly scarlet all over, " there she is !" ' "Where?" " Over there, sitting under that tree and talking to that lovely girl in white." " Now for it, my boy ; introduce me." I walked forward and raised my hat. " Miss Damian "

"Ah, so we have met sooner than we expected, Mr Carew; accept my apologies for' having a cold yesterday when you called ; yet I can hardly blame the cold, for it was caught at the picnic and is now gone, and had it not been for the picnic, wo should not have met, and you would not have called at all. I dare say my niece did tho honours for me better than I should have done them myself." All answer that I could make to this was to look rapturously at Ethel and mumble inarticulately to Miss Domain. There was certainly a touch of coquetry in Aunt Barbara's speech, but it was the

permissible coquetry of a lady who know nor position and could maintain it. I introduced tho governor by way of hiding my idiotic confusion, and tho conversation becamo general, or rather broke up into twos, for I seized tho vacant chair noxt to Ethel, and left- the governor to Mies Dainiau altogether. You may not believe mo, but it is perfectly true that I forgot all about my dilemma from tho moment I plunged into that heavenly tOto-il-tote with Ethel, and was oblivious of all ?urroundings. At last my trance was brokon. Miss Damian leaned forward and pointedly addressed mo.

"I am telling your father, Mr Carew, that he must change places with you, and give mo a chance of renewing our pleasant acquaintance of the day before yesterday." The governor did not seem to have exerted himself much in my cause. Ho was beaming all over witli an expression of gratified vanity, evidently not tho result of a battle fought in my favour. 1 tore myself away from Ethel's side and changed Beats.

" Do not think that I am going to lot my preux chevalier of tho picnic imagine he is going to shelve mo in that easy fashion today. Had you a very bad headache yesterday morning, Mr Carew? I know you attackodthat champagne'a great deal too severely, nasty as it was. But no matter, compliments aside, confess that you were inordinately bored at the feast, and that you only fell back upon mo as a pis allcr, pour passer h temps. Engaged couples are the most selfish creatures in the world, cortainly. No, you won't?—well, then, I shall keep you to every word that you uttered to me on that occasion." (Good heavens ! now it was coming; then I had proposed to her !) "Do you remember all that passed as vividly as Ido ? If so, your head 13 a stronger ono than most young men's of your ago." What in the world was she driving at, I wondered—had I proposed to her or not ? If so, why did she adopt this maternal tone toward me (I was twenty-five); and if not, what did this occasional coquetry of manner portend '!

"Do you know, MrCarcw, that although I have directed several remarks to you, and have asked you at least two plain questions within the last fivo minutes, you havo remained absolutely mute?"

What hod been the use of my introducing the govornor if this was tho qungmh'O ot embarrassment in which ho had left me '! Ho had not even smoothed tho way for an oxplauation.

I collected my sonsos—there ivas no escape. "Miss Damian," I began seriously, " beliovo iiny ill of mo that you please, perhaps the champagno was not very good " (I had not stopped to considor its quality at the timo); "but my momory is not so faulty as you imagine, and at least accopt my assuranco that anything I uttered to you tho day boforo yestorday I am prepared to stand by now, and if tho dovotion of a lifo can—" She interrupted mo with an incomprehensible smilo. "Ah, that is what you all say, but how can I place any dopondonco on such expressions when you seize tho first opportunity to leave mo for the sooioty of my niece ?"

"Miss Damian, bolicvo mo—"

" Mr Carow, I will boliovo nothing now ; but sco, your father is going, and it is timo forEthol to bo returning with me. Good-byo for tho present, and if you and your father caro for our society, come and lunch with us ono day next woek." lloro the governor camo up in timo for tho invitation, which ho accoptod with a positive chuckle of dolight. So I had committal myself, and could not now rotract. Farewell, Ethel, my vision of light, farowoll to all my hopes and dreams for tho future, henceforth—

"Father," I exclaimed, with a dignified sneer, us soon n.s we wora left alone, " permit mo to express my gratitude for the able manner in which you have helped mo upon tho most trying occasion of my life." " Why, you young cub, you don't know when you are well oil. Miss Damian is a perfectly charming woman. I had no idea from your description that she could bo such a delightful creature. 'Made up,' indeed ; you puppies of moderns scorn >o think that no woman who has outgrown the follies of tho school-room can retain a voatigo of natural beauty." "Thank you," I replied sullenly j " hut whatever Mi«st Damian's preservative qualities may bo, I have no wish to many a woman ' old enough to be my mother.' " "You havo only yourself to thank in the matter, and must abido by thoconpcquoncos. Don't blame mo. As it happens, you have dono by accident perhaps tho wisest action of your lifo, and selected a wife in every way fitted to enhance your position and keep you out of mischief."

I clearly Baw it was ho uf«e to £0 on argiling with tho governor while he was in this mood, so, with a half-smothered ejaculation which was not a blessing, I let the matter drop for tho time. For several days Hfter this I went about with a hangdog expression, which sootnod to causo no littlo amusement to my cousin Ralph, who was for over popping upon me and rallying me upon my appearance in a manner which he no doubt, thought very witty. I wonder I did not kill Ralph when I look back at the time. He richly deserved it.

Tho governor and I had accented Hiss Damian's invitation to lunch for the following Wednesday. I was rathor at a lo."s to understand his evident impatience for tho starting hour to arrive as soou as the day came round.

He had disappeared unusually early to make his toilet, I thought as; I sat smoking in tho library and feeling far from comfortat tho prospect of this luncheon with my olderly betrothed. ■While I was engaged in this manner tho governor entered, dressed to a state of discomfort that almost looked like anticipating the wedding. " Why, dad," lexclaimod, "I never saw you look so young before ! You seem to have cast of twenty years of your life with your old coat, just like a snake. Where did you get that gardenia from ?" "Nonsense, my boy, nonsense; there is nothing unusual, I supposo, in making oneself look respectable ; but what are you doing hero, Charlie, at this hour? You ought to be ready to start, nnd for goodness sako throw away that filthy cigar. I don't want to go to Miss Damian's reeking of tobacco." (The governor never used to object to tobacco at any time of his lifoj he was an inveterate smoker himself).

" It wants more than half an hour to the time," I replied, nonchalently ;" no hurry; wo shall bo thoroquito soon enough." " There, that's just the way with all you modern young "men—you ongbt to be ashamed of yourselves. When I was young it was considered an atrocious breach of good manners to keep a lady waiting, but you youngsters are all so stuck up in your own conceit that I believe it is a part of your religion to go late everywhere for tho satisfaction of creating an excitement, just like a parcel of young misses ; but I don't intend any of these degenerate habits to influence me. Go and make yourself presentablo at once, and for heaven's sake use some eau de cologne to banish that odour of smoke, sir; Miss Damian's is not a pot-house." I slunk upstairs without further parley and made the necessary alterations in my

dross ; then wo drove off together to Kc-rt sington.

Who .shall say that acting is onty acquired by practice? I beliovo Charles Matthews himself could not havo schooled his natural instincts to affect a greater air of polite empresscment than I managed to infuse into my greeting to Miss Damian. And Ethel—l was obliged to command my feelings still more severely with her, perhaps not quite so successfully, for I felt the tell-tale blush mount to my face, and my hand trembled visibly as I clasped her dainty fingers for the space of the orthodox few seconds.

Luncheon was ovor. It had not gone off so badly as I had anticipated, all things considered. The governor had been move animated than I ever remembered having seen him, and he most considerately monopolised nearly all Miss Damian's attention during the'meal. Now he had, apparently with some reluctance, given up his seat next Miss Damian to me. We were sitting half shaded by a screen, and Ethel was making conversation in her graceful manner with the governor.

"And so I am really to believe that you hold to the declaration you made to mo up the river last week, Mr Carew ?"

"Can you doubt me? Did I not repeat it to you in all earnestness in the Row only a few days ago, Miss Damian ?" "You are a very chivalrous young man, the apt pupil of a chivalrous father. I won ■ dor if you mean all you say, and still moro I wonder if you distinctly remember what you really did say at the picnic. I have always had my doubts on that subject." " Miss Damian, do you wish me to repeat it now?"

" Certainly not, for I am sure you could not if you tried ; but to relieve you of nil further anxiety on the subject I will tell you, not all that you said, for that would be to repeat too much good-humoured nonsense, but the one important declaration which evidently weighs so heavily upon your conscience."

" lam all attention.'

" Well, you confided to mo, of course in tho strictest secrecy, that you never could marry any woman if you thought .she wore capable of consuming as much lobster salad as any one of thoso threo young ladies did, against whom you seemed to bear such a grudgo for refusing to flirt with you in the very presenco of their fiances. There, I thought you would fool relieved ; but it in a very bad compliment to me to let it bo so apparent."

Good heavens ! and wan this all? Hero had I been making myself miserable ami objectionable to nil my friends for tlio past week, and for nothing. Evon my habitual self-control failed 1110 now, mid tho expression of delight on my countenance no doubt called forth Miss Damian's reproof.

I was a freo man again, yet honour forbade mo to jump at tho position too eagerly, "You cannot think," I said, " that this littlo misunderstanding can alter tlio relations botweon us 7"

" Relations V What, relations? I don't understand you, Mr Carow." "Surely yon could not havo mistaken tho nature of my offor to you tho other day in the Row ?"

Sho burst into a little fit of laughter, " You foolish boy, do you take mo lor nn ogress ? Could you not see that 1 was only amusing mysolf ? I vnlue tlio freedom of myjranidonhood n groat deal too much to part with it ho easily. An old maid I am, and an old maid I moan to bo to tho ond of the chapter. Besides, do you think 1 lmvo no eyes! I am far too oxporionccd in reading ' tlio signs of lovo' not to havo observed whoro your heart in Itxed, poi'lmps not without good grounds," and sho looked expressively across tlio room to whoro Ethol was .sitting. "Lovo at first sight is 110 such uncommon occurronco after nil, is it, Mr Cai'ow!"

I raised her taper hand, and reverently kissed it. " Miss Damian, you have taught mo a most gracious lesson, and I .should be ungrateful not to profit by it. Believe me this time when I assert that my allogianco to you is, in another form, stronger than ever."

"That is well, and now go and talk to Ethel, and leave me to amuse your father ; that is more in tho fitness of things." And I was in a delirium of delight for the rest of the aftorooon. What need to say how often I called at tho houso in Kensington aftor this? indeed, I could not if I attempted. Enough that lat last, " screwed my courage to the sticking place," and obtained tho ono woril from Ethel that was wanting to mako my happiness complete.

Our wedding took place in the following month,' with tho usual orange blossoms, white laces, fee?, and frippery. That abominable Ralph was my groomsman. Tho lau^li was all on my niilo now, and ho never to this day. has suspected tho real facts of the (vise ; when he drove with me to Kensington that morning after the picnic, and waited outside the housoin a hansom.

' "Oh! Charlie," exclaimed my Kthul, as wo started for Paris on our wedding trip. " what « good tiling it is yon married me, for now I shall make an excollent clmporono for Aunt Barbara!"

When wo returned to London, tlio old governor was tho first to erect us. I could not make out what had oomo ovor him ; ho seemed embarrassed,and anxious to avoid meeting my cyo, and turned tho conversation whenever it touched upon home topics. At last when wo woro alone ho camo up to me and put hi.s hand shyly upon my shoulder. " Charlio, my dear boy, don't call your father an old fool, but yon boo tho house was lonely aftor you left it, and I had no companion to amuse mo in your absence, and so, and so—in fact, Charlie, Miss "Damian is now Mrs Carew, and your stepmother."

"Bravo, Governor!" I exclaimed, "and a charming stepmother, too. Accept [my best wishes !"

So you Bco, Aunt Barbara did not requiro Ethel for a chaperonc, after all !