A Dead Certainty.

Auckland Star, Volume XXI, Issue 4115, 15 September 1883, Page 3 (Supplement)

A Dead Certainty.

" What ! never heard of Old Tipper's clean little .sell ? Bless me! now that's strange ; well, I'll tell you all about it. " You see, Old Tipper is reckoned asharpish cove among his set, I can tell you, and when the little affair leaked out, why— didn't _ his friends go for him, that's all. "It's .some years ago now since Old Tipper travelled down to tiie Warwick September Race Meeting, his object being to land a ' pot' on the strength of a big straight tip for one of the events. "The day was bright and sunny, and everyone was on good terms with himself; even the horses seemed to enjoy the beauty of the day. "The event was next on the card, and Tipper, who had his ' tenner on,' anxiously awaited the result. " While busily engaged with his field glasses, watching Mr McGregor fixing the starters, a well-dressed man of American appearance walked up to and accosted him. " ' Morning, stranger.' "'Good morning, mister,' responded Tipper, turning and looking cautiously at the speaker. " 'Air thim bosses nearly startin' yet? You'll excuse me, stranger, case I ain't got a spyglass wi' me.' '"Yes, mister, they are nearly ready. Ah ! now—yes ! now their off !' and, as though speaking to himself, •He's well away," handing at the same time his glasses to the Yankee. " ' Who's he." " 'The Monk, mister, The Monk.' "'Oh, indeed, stranger!' queried the Yankee, still scanning the race. " ' Yes, I've a tenner on, my boy,' cheerily exclaimed Old Tipper, watching his horse coming away. " 'What odds did you take?" "Fives, mister.' " 'Look here, Captain, I'll lay a fiver my boss Alaska beats yours, what say now ?" "' Done ! one, two, three.' "'Right!' "The general excitement now became intense, and only those who have heard it can have any idea of the hoarse hubhub that arises on all sides from the many hundred throats as the cry is taken up, 'Here they come!' 'Alaska!' 'The Monk !' ' Cupid!' yelled the crowd, ' Bravo, George!' and simultaneously with the cry the noted Fordham was seen to come with a spirit on Cupid, who, dashing past the Grand Stand, won the race for its worthy owner. Xext came The Dodger, and The Monk, running neck and neck with Alaska, just managed to land Old Tipper's five. "'Tarnation !'exclaimed the American, handing over the 'dust,' 'to think that my darned hoss is beat. Wall, stranger, I am oil' to licker-up, what say yer!" "'No, thanks,' responded Tipper, stroking his chin thoughtfully, and sauntering away to invest his fiver on one other certainty he had in store for the next race, and having soon got on at nine to two, was much gratified when the result of the race proved this tip ' good goods.' "He was Justin the act of relieving the peneiller of £30, when the Yankee again accosted him— " ' Landed ? My stars ! Guess yell float now, stranger.' " 'Oh, 1 am all right, mister, thanks,' replied Tipper, somewhat shortly, not quite liking the inquisitive manner ef the American. " 'Wall, don't get riled, Captain. Come, and I'll float yer.' "Yell what?' asked the astonished Tipper. "'l'll licker ye up to a brandy-smash ; or, maybe, ye'd like a gin cocktail ; them air a darned fine swill. What, never tasted ? Wall, now—think of that! Whar were ye rusticated, stranger ?' and, linking his ami in that of Tipper, they strolled into the drinking saloon, presided over by mine host of the Guy of Warwick Arms. "After sundiy drinks, the day's spoi't being over, Tipper, cordially bidding his Yankee acquaintance good-day, sauntered off to his merry little dinner at the aforesaid Guy of Warwick Arms, well satisfied with his day's ' biz,' and also at the idea of having bested that most wonderful of earthly creatures, a real live Yankee. "Well, Tipper having settled his dinner to his entire satisfaction, seated himself down in an armchair in the smoke-room, and was soon enjoying the fragrant weed. " Shortly after Tipper had 'lighted up,' an elderly-looking, but somewhat ilashlydressed man walked into the room, sank down in the other vacant armchair by the fire, nodded ' Good evening' to our friend Tipper, picked up a paper, and soon fell fast asleep. "The exterior of the new-comer betokened an evidently well-to-do man. The diamond rings on his hand glittered in the firelight, and the heavy gold watoh-ehain, fully exposed to view, naturally impressed Old Tipper, who thought the stranger very foolish to drop off to sleep exposing such valuables to the risk of being stolen by the ' Bwabs ' that attend race meetings. One and another dropped in, and conversation became pretty general, the flashlydressed gent still sleeping on in sweet repose. " Hullo, stranger, you're hear, air you ?" and, looking up, Tipper, with much pleasure, recognised the Yankee acquaintance of the afternoon. " ' Yes, mister, I am staying here.' " 'Slap up shanty, ain't it, now? Senator Stokes, of Js Tew York, U.S., told me to ' hang out' hear ; and he's no bad jedge, you bet." "'Yes, replied Tipper; 'I find the place very comfortable. What will you drink, mister, eh?' and soon the two friends were deeply engrossed over their grog and cigars. "' Any chums of yours hear, stranger? Who's the gent in the arm chair ?' " ' Can't say ; very foolish for a man of his years, though, to go to sleep exposing his jewellery in that manner. Don t you think so, mister?' " ' Certainly,' chimed in several present, overhearing the remark. ' Wall, now, you ask me, and I rayther think he's no gent at all. Now I hey seen a bit in my turn 'Up States,' and if that air party ain't one of the swell mob I'll— why, I'll chuck myself inside out.' '"Look at his chain,' said one; 'not real, I know.' i" Old Tipper stared at the chain very hard without going too near. " ' Not it, you bet.' responded the Yank, • and I guess he arn't got a ticker at all for his swellishness ; but, just for a lark, one o' you chaps have a look and see.' But no one seemed inclined to run the risk of being caught picking pockets. "'Why, darn my rags,' exclaimed the Yankee, ' I never asked a man yet to do a thing I dam't do mysel', so I'll tarnation soon see ;' and, suiting the action to the word, softly stole over to the sleeping gent, and carefully drew up the chain, exposing to view, instead of a watch, a piece of wood resembling one in size and appearance. Look there, now,' as the others drew round ; ' see what a game we'll hey jess now, you bet.' At the same time he replaced the sham ticker in the owner's pocket. In a short time the sleeper awoke, and, looking round at the several inmates of the room, apologised for his seeming rudeness in having dropped off to sleep, and, calling for a cigar and a drink, arose and stretched his legs before the fire.

"One of the company, evidently a fanner, wishing to expose this swell member, asked ' Whnt the time of day might be ?' " The gentleman, putting his hand to his watch-pocket, as though from habit, replied, ' Well, sir, I am ashamed to say I got rather screwed hist evening, and tumbled into bed forgetting to wind up my watch.' ' "Jess so !' remarked the smiling Yankee ; ' how tarnation funny.' " 'Why, sir, lam at a loss to know why •so small a circumstance should elicit such a peculiar remark from you, an utter stranger,' observed the gentleman. '"Why, certainly !' observed the Colonel (beg pardon, I mean the Yankee). '" Why don't you wind it up now, sir 2' remarked our friend Tipper, looking at his own watch. •'lt is a quarter past nine.' " ' Thanks, very much ; but the fact is I have not got my key with me, and mine is a rather peculiar chronometer.' "'Kayther!' put in the United Slates man. " A roar of laughter followed this remark, and several jokes went pretty free at the gentleman's expense, much, evidently, to his annoyance. At last one of the company, getting rather exasperated at such coal eon- . duct on the part of so unblushing an impostor, plainly told him that he had not got a watch at all. " The gentleman, thoroughly surprised at such a remark, quickly applied his hand to his pocket, and being assured by external application, replied that 'it was all right,' at the same time remarking that ' ho thought someone had been playing a. trick upon him during his nap.' Not wishing to pursue the conversation, he seated himself in his chair. " ' I'll bet you £5 you've not got a watch, come now,' exclaimed one. ■'' And I will, too,' exclaimed another. "'Nonsense, gentlemen,' quietly replied the gentleman. ' Keep your money in your pocket, yon may want it.' "'What did I tell yer ?' observed the Yankee, with a wink at the company. 'Come, look hear, stranger, I'll bet you all I'm worth jess now -£56—you ain't got no ticker.' " This was enough for our friend Tipper. Seeing his chance of as big a ' certainty ' as he ever had in hislife,he jumped up, crossed! to the table, and dabbed down fCO in notes (his day's winnings):—'See here, mister, can you cover that?—as yon've no watch.' '"You really mean it?' exclaimed the gentleman, with evident surprise. " 'That's so,' exclaimed the Yankee. ' And so do I, you bet, by thunder I" slapping down £50 in notes. " Other bets were soon made, and the money covered by the gentleman in new bank notes. " ' Now, gentlemen, I hope you are satisfied,' and pulling from his pocket heexposed to view a piece of loood. A roar of laughter went up against him, and hands were stretched out for the stakes ; but the laugh was soon on the other side when the gentleman, touching a spring in the wood, revealed a handsome gold watch snugly encased within. " Replacing the watch in his pocket, and quietly picking up the cash, he thanked the company for their inquieitiveness, and explained that he lead his reasons for so carrying his watch. "After ordering a round of drinks and cigars, this gentleman, so wrongly ('!) suspected as being of the swell mob, wished all good night, and retired to his room. "The Yankee looked blue. The farmer look red. But poor old Tipper looked very white and felt very bad. " Nearly cleaned outin pocket, he trudged, off down to the railway station the following day, to return home, a sadder though a wiser man ; and I can assure you that when taking his third-class seat in the traia (he came down first) his feelings were wrought up to a terrible pitch as, gazing into the refreshment bar across the line, he saw his Yankee acquaintance drinking champagne with the old farmer and the owner of tho wooden watch. " And in the agony of his spirit dear Old Tipper groaned aloud ' Never again.'"