RANDOM SHOTS.

Auckland Star, Volume XXI, Issue 4115, 15 September 1883, Page 1 (Supplement)

RANDOM SHOTS.

[Br Zamiel.]

Some write, a neighbour's name to lash, Some write—vain thought!—for needful cash, Some write to please the country clash, And raise a din. For mo, an aim I never fash— I write for fun. Xc roi est niort; vivelcroi! One Hospital Surgeon has this week been rung out and another rung in ; and the time seems fitting to make a few reflections on th-e causes which led to the change.. If the "Crowner's 'quest" were to Kit on Dr. McKellar, I fancy the verdict would be, " Died from an overdose of honorary surgeon." There can, at all events, be little doubt that the end of his reign was greatly accelerated by injudicious attempts to set up a purely medical authority for the control of the Hospital in place of the Committee of Management. It is to be hoped that the lesson will not be lost in the future, and that a longer and more peaceful reign will be in store for the new regime. A pamphlet which has just feeen brought under my notice, entitled "Experiences of a Medical Man in New Zealand," deals with a great many of the "rocks ahead" in the path of the hospital surgeon, and gives not a few " wrinkles" for the avoidance of the Scylla of the Committee on the one hand, and the Charybdis of the honorary staff on the other. The history of the doings in "Our Hospital at Sopemdown," though presented under the cloak of anonymity, bears the unmistakable .stamp of truth; and though "Placebo Aspen, M.1).," by his own confession, is not a bit unsophisticated in the crooked ways of colonial life, he tells his story with ft most admirable ingenuousness which wins the attention and gains the confidence of the reader. So true are his delineations that at times I find it difficult to believe that Auckland is not meant by the imaginary town of Sopemdown ; as, for example, when it. is stated that at the Hospital, "besides frequent servants' parties, beer and spirits were hospitably offered to all visitors at the kitchen oliices." But, of course, it would be a gross libel to suppope that all the facts narrated could be true of this fair city. Indeed, the writer does not claim that they actually occurred at any one place, but eventuated "at some time, somewhere." What he says of the honorary medical staff is specially interesting to us here. "It behoved me," he says, "to keep up friendly relations with them ; so, after some trouble, owing to their dislikes to one another, I .succeeded in initiating little periodical supper reunions, at which I held the position of amicus euros. Their good fellowship, when they met, was only to be equalled by the spite and bitterness they exhibited behind each other's back." The price which this medico had to pay for the friendship of the visiting staff was the ordering of all kinds of new remedies and appliances which they suggested for the Hospital. Thus they soon had fifteen specifics for tapeworm, a whole lot of other lumber in the shape of medicines and apparatus—the latter including a patent "operating table," which gave one surgeon a black eye, another a crushed finger, and the author a bruised shin, caused by a lever flying out unexpectedly ! XXX To leave matters of detail, and come to those of more general interest, it cannot be doubted that this pamphlet exposes a good many abuses in the hospital system of the Colony, and may well suggest the lesson "that room exists for broad and liberal reforms in our hospital management." The picture of the twelve committee-men who " quietly re-elected themselves " every year by the simple device of only getting subscriptions from their friends prior to the date of election; the account of our medico's own election to the position of Hospital Surgeon through pure favouritism; the portrait of the corrupt house steward, Scupperson, who robs with easy impartiality the institution and the patients, and when found out retires to the position of landlord of the Lambing-Down Flat Hotel; the sketches of the members of committee and their ways ; with many other life-like representations, expose rotten features which may truthfully be said to characterise, in greater or lesser degree, every hospital in the colony. Fully as instructive as any part of the pamphlet is that which tells of how fever outbreak was made the a means of milking Government of £500—the doctor's share in the transaction establishing a bond of union between him and the committee, so that his salary was increased and he was presented witli a testimonial; but for true insight into colonial methods nothing can beat the account of how the Sopemdown Hospital was brought under Government control. Under the pound-for-pound subsidy system, tae institution had got hopelessly entangled in debt, chiefly through extravagance, peculation, and corruption among the servants and committee; and instead of applying tho old-fashioned remetly of retrenchment and reform, what does the reader think was done ? Why, the Hospital building was greatly enlarged, more grounds enclosed and improved, furniture, books, and apparatus were ordered from England, the doctor's salary was again increased, and then " the committee gracefully threw the whole on the hands of the Government." Of course, Government could not refuse the trust, and a new reign of red tape and central control was established, under which extravagance was no less marked than before, while the advantages of the Hospital were largely used by "a numerous loafing class who, under pretence of rheumatism or some invisible complaint, would come in during bad weather or in the winter." xxx In this happy state Dr. Aspen leaves the institution to enter upon a lucrative private practice, in which I suppose heis still engaged. He has taken good care, however, to conceal his identity, even goinj; the length of having the pamphlet printed and published in Australia. Were he known, I fear his practice would soon cease to be lucrative, for he makes very candid confession of his own shortcomings, and is not at all gallant in dealing witli the ladies. The latter characteristic is shown in his description of the Ladies' Benevolent Society of Sopemdown. A committee of that body visited the Hospital every few days, "sometimes bringing tracts, and sometimes introducing indigestible compounds to the patients, occasionally to investigate regarding some rhodomontade gossip, and at all times to invite the patients to tattle of my sayings and doings, incomings and outgoings, on which subject the servants were privately and separately examined." The doctor, indeed, came very near losing his appointment through the zeal of these benevolent ladies, and that fact perhaps accounts for his ungenerous allusions to them. Of course, Ido not say that he has departed from the truth in his

description of the doings of the dear creatures ; but then it does not always do to speak all the truth about them. The conclusion of the whole matter leaves me with this query—lf Sopemdown is not Auckland (and that I have shown to be impossible), where is it ? XXX When the legislator's tired of his employment— His employment— And not hatching his log-rolling little plans, His capacity for innocent onjoymont— 'Cent enjoyment— Is just as great as any other man's. Kind readers, forgive me for bursting forth into song—my only excuse is that I ara at a loss for a text on which to hang the succeeding paragraph. Our legislators are credited by the vulgar with that class of pompous decorum which makes a smile a venial, and a joke a mortal sin. Nothing is further from the truth. Under the thin veneering of officialism there is, as Bunthorne says, " more touch-and-go jocularity than the casual observer would give him credit for." . Away from the chivvying reach of the whip or the sudden tintinnabulation of the division bell, there is not a more hilarious creature on earth than the average legislative atom. A few instances will suffice : —Not very long ago a graye —I had almost said "and reverend —member of the Ministry was detected playing marbles in a secluded lobby. His opponent was an uncompromising Oppositionist. The twain entered upon the game with boyish exuberance, and an unseen spectator was astonished at the glibness with which the Hon. Mr D. used the boyish slang incidental to the game. "Now then," yelled the one, "knuckle down stiff." "You go to blazes, you're always funking yourself," was the response, and so the game went on merrily. Another member—who, by-the-way, is a poet and a journalist as well as a politician—possesses a remarkable-looking dog, rejoicing in the remarkable name of "Moreover." The worthy M.H.R. says that this name was applied to the canine by the Jews of old, and cites as his authority the verse in Holy Writ, "And Moreover, the dog, licked his sores." XXX But the'great recreation of hon. members, wearied with the cares of State, is a mimic court dignified with the title of "The Parliamentary Court of Good Conscience — Not Green's Conscience." The court possesses a real seal, properly printed writ forms, judges, criers, barristers, in fact, all the etceteras of a properly constituted tribunal, and before it unfortunate M.H.R.'s are "pulled" and tried for all sorts of imaginary offences. On one occasion, I remember, the representative of a Canterbury constituency was ordered by the judge—an Aucklander, by the way—to pay the amount of a disputed football bet into court. This was at once done—for the decisions of the court are as binding as the laws of the Medes and Persians—and, well, some journalistic friends of mine quailed sundry bumpers of " Dry Monopole with His Honor the Judge of the Parliamentary Court of Good Conscience. But one more story, and I will wind up this paragraph. There was a large amount of betting on the football match between Wellington and Otago, the wagering being in suits of clothes. The Otago footballers were strong favourites, and several Wellington members (Johnny Martin amongst the number) had nice little wagers, such as " three suits to one," on the result. Johnny laid off—as it is technically called—but did it so badly that although Wellington won, when he came to square-up he was a coat and trousers out. Ana now he swears that the stringency of the Gaming and Lotteries Act will be very much increased if he has anything to do with it. Poor old Johnny ! XXX I suppose there were many others besides myself in the Opera House last Monday night who were fairly astonished at the magnificence of the dresses worn by the living chess-" men." How much was spent in procuring those costumes it would be difficult to compute ; I have heard several large sums mentioned ; but thi3 is quite certain, that their total cost far exceeded the amount realised from the spectacle. This naturally suggests the thought that it would have been much better to have given the money direct to the church funds, which would thus have benefited to a far greater degree. True, the public would have been deprived of a gorgeous entertainment of a character never before witnessed here, and the performers of the pleasure springing out of rivalry and attitudinising in the Opera House : great losses, no doubt, to those who love display—and what woman does not ?—and amateur theatricals. But cavilling like this is useless. It is all over. The dresses have been made, paraded and exhibited to the best advantage for two or three nights, and are now put away in boxes and wardrobes, to be worn once or twice more at, say, some fancy-dress ball. They might possibly be made use of a third or fourth time, if further performances by the same "pieces" could be arranged. I was told that one reason accounting for the emptiness of the lower seats of the house on Monday night was that the general public had been under the impression that the entertainment consisted of a trial of skill in playing chess, and thus appealed only to those familiar with a difficult game. But if such were really the case, the " general public " could not have read the daily papers, where, for many dayg beforehand, very accurate descriptions of what was to be expected were given. The performance was, first of all, an elaborate and splendid spectacle ; then, after a great gap as regards importance, a specimen of the noble game. XXX I believe that chess is an unfamiliar game in the Colonies, less popular than it is at Home. lam not prepared to explain this fact, but the general reason of the game's neglect is to oe found in its difficulty. I do not mean to say that it is difficult to remember the various moves of pawns, knights, bishops, rooks, etc. ; but to move the pieces with skill in combinations useful now for attack, now for defence, requires thought and patience. Zukertort, Steinitz, Blackburn, Staunton, and all those champions of whose skill so much has been written, have devoted their lives to the study of the game in all its phases. Very few doctors, lawyers, or politicians have given so much time to their chosen pursuits as these men to chess. It is clear, then, that as an easy way of passing time, of recuperating the powers after a day's labour, chess is at a disadvantage compared with, for instance, cards. Besides, the excitement to be got out of the game is almost nil, and folks must have excitement in their recreations. It comes to this, then, that chess is the pursuit of the studious and quiet, who love cogitation, and do not hanker after excitement; and such people form the minority, highly respectable and select, but still a minority, of the community

There was an amateurish air and style about all the speeches delivered before and between the games, to be accounted for by the inexperience and nervousness of the various speakers. They were shaking in every limb, I have not the least doubt, and the near presence of Mr Sheiidan and Miss Davenport did not add to their self-com-mand. Another thing tended to their discomfiture : the so-called trumpeters, with their soundless clarions,didnotactin accord with the real trumpeter placed in one of the wings. Now they were before-hand, now they were a thought late ; and, of course, the audience giggled. These trifling episodes were quite as amusing as the total sum of the antics of the "court jesters," who did little more than look their parts. They wore the orthodox garb, but they lacked the jester's combination of wit and wisdom. The poor feeble jokeling about "woman," "ivy," "clinging," and "ruin" was not appreciated by the spectators, who could not see where the laugh came in. Possibly it had some reference to the ivy clinging round the dresses of the rooks or castles, but if it had, that scarcely made it funnier. However, I should not relish having to don the motley and try to be funny, any more than I should like to be in the heralds' shoes. It is not because I fondly imagine I could do better in either capacity that I have been passing a mild criticism on certain small imperfections in what was a very successful undertaking. XXX What I said last week about goldfield gambling has aroused my old friend —or antagonist, rather—"Robinson Crusoe," who draws my attention to a far greater swindle, viz., land speculation. Well, I never said that land speculation was not a big gambling transaction, and it seems rather hard to be lectured and hectored on the subject for a simple "sin of omission " —omitting to mention it; while it is decidedly too bad to be accused, suppositiously, of being "occupied in raising funds to support this idol." What! "Zamiel" the iconoclast engaged in the encouragement of idolatry ! Perish the thought! And as for " raising funds" for such a purpo=e, does Crusoe imagine that the Press is a sort of hydraulic pump, with a gold mine at one end and a journalist at theotler? If he knew how difficult it is to raisj funds to keep the pot boiling, he would never dream of supposing that I was devoting my energies to filling the pockets of land speculators. My Mentor goes on to compare land speculation to a "sweep," but does not make himself very intelligible. He says :— "Itis a sweep that is supported by all the savings of the community. The working man pays in his few shillings, the trader pays in his few pounds, to raise prizes that are drawn by the rich. What is all this gambling ? Why, it is gambling to see who shall win the power to demand other men's capital. To use your own words, with a slight alteration :—A man is gambling with the odds of a million to one against him, and he has only to play at the game long enough to be cleaned out." This is the game which Crusoe does Hie the compliment of supposing me to be engaged in ; in fact, it is not very clear but he means that all in the colony have a hand in it—the majority as fools, and the few as sharpers. Well, well ! who would have thought it? but it's a good old saying which advises to " Set a thief to catch a thief I" Now that he has found oat that some of the piaysrs have aces up their sleeves, in the shape of an extra amount of capital, I advise Crusoe to adopt similar tactics if he wishes to secure a prize. Why should you rail at Lidy Fortune, my good fellow? "Put money in thy purse"—no matter whoso money it may be—and you will be on an equality with the best man in the game of life. When all the world is rich and rascally, and there are no more "lambs" to shear, we shall all begin and be virtuous, and quit gambling for ever. XXX An amusing incident, of which Mr Daniell, the member for Riverton, was the central figure, was related to me recently. •In the early days of Otago the scattered little settlement in which Mr Daniell resided was thrown into a state of the greatest excitement by the arrival of Bishop Selwyn, who was on a pastoral visit. On Sunday, people of all denominations flocked to Mr Darnell's residence for the purpose of hearing a sermon from the august visitor. The congregation being seated, a musical box was produced for the purpose of assisting in the harmony. The Bishop offered up a prayer, and Mr Daniell gravely wound up the musical box. The prelate was scandalised by hearing the instrument belch forth "You May Kiss Me and Caress Me, and I Won't Say No." Before he had recovered from his state of speechless astonishment, the mechanical musician was in dulcet strains beseeching " Tommy to Make Room for His Uncle." " What does this mean ?" gasped the Bishop. "It's all right, sir," said Mr Daniell, "The next tune is 'Old Hundredth.' Here she comes. Now then, you fellows—' A-l-1 pee-ple tha-a-t,' " and the devotional exercise proceeded, and was carried to a successful termination. XXX The conspicuous absence of the Presbyterian clergy from the chess tournament on Monday is capable of several explanations. It might have been thought that the clerical element would have a deadening effect upon the exuberant wit of the court jesters ; or that it would savour of heretical leanings to lend their countenance and patronage to a pageant in which such abominations as mitres, stoles, hoods, crosses, and croziers played so prominent a part; or it might have been that by an unfortunate oversight the committee forgot to put them on the free list. Yes, it tni'qht have been any one of these reasons ; biit it wasn't. The real cause of their absence was this : The Rev. Mr , a veteran divine, whose bump of caution is as pronounced as his views on church discipline and propriety, saw danger looming. He has a penchant for historic literature, and as bearing upon the approaching pageant'he hunted up the subject of tournaments in an old encyclopedia, and this is what he found :—" The Church discountenanced tournaments, some of its decrees prohibiting persons holding sacred office from witnessing them under pain of excommunication," &c, &c. Filled with alarm at this startling discovery, and with his instincts of caution and self-preser-vation thoroughly aroused, he hastened to send a warning to his brethren, at the same time expressing his doubts as to whether the penal statute had ever been repealed. A private sederunt was hastily convened in order to "moderate" upon the matter, and caution carried the day in the form of a resolution—the most "moderate" of several which were proposed, and which ran as follows :—" That while it remains a matter of dubiety whether or no the ane'ent statute in question remains in :oroe, it i* advisable to exercise pruJe::ce by remaining away from the tour-

nament, and thus avoid possible risk/ "That the thanks of the 'sederunt' be hereby conveyed to the Rev. —— for his timely caution." Of course, many timehonoured proverbs were pressed into the arguments, such as—" It were better to be sure than sorry," "Best to err on the safe side," "The wise man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself," and no on. The hastily-convened meeting then closed with a sigh of relief at having escaped a possible trouble, and with a placid sense of having fulfilled the Pauline precept, "Let youi moderation be known unto all men." xxx The tranquility of verdant Howick has recently been disturbed by the voices of two of its settlers, which led to an imaginary breach of the peace, and subsequently to a scene in the Auckland Police Court. The chief actors in the Howick comedy were the village blacksmith and ;i love-sick young man familiarly recognised in the locality as Pat, the general bean of the settlement. The wind was quiet and the glass low ; still, high words arose between the twain—words of sufficient import for an alleged cause. The evening of the harmless encounter was perfectly calm—not a ripple moved on the village pond, the sky was almost cloudless, and nothing in Nature indicated a gathering storm at the sequestered post-office known as the Wagstaff Store, Pat engaged Mr Browning to take up his case, and no one likes a bit of rollicking fun in a legitimate way better than this muscular yo"ing lawyer. He was as ripe as a Christmas strawberry for the occasion, vigorously opened fire, and even grew warm and poetical in favour of his anxious client. Blackstone, the commentator, was almost the only poetical lawyer of any note that ever lived. Lawyers have the credit of being extremely prosy ; some have displayed forensic eloquence, but all evince a disposition for kingfishers' bills. Mr Browning— worthy of his name—was favoured by the muses in the Howick squabble, and pictured complainant as a persecuted young man, and his opponent as the village blacksmith, whose smithy was really "undera spreading chestnut tree," but his language, he regretted to say, was not in keeping with tho chaste utterances of the bonnie smith, whose character has been so beautifully delineated by Longfellow. His client was-very sensitive, and with all due deference to his feelings, he was in love. (Mr Campell, " Oh, dear me.") His friend might say, " Oh dear me," Bbt he would ask had his friend ever experienced the tender passion ? xxx Pat was in love, and herein lies kernelled the secret of this distressing episode in Ho'ifick life. The young man blushingly acknowledged in open Court to an honourable passion ;he had a sweetheart living somewhere in Auckland—he would not say where—and the faithful young lady was in the delicious habit of forwarding a scented billet doux regularly to the Howick postoffice, to be called for. Pat's pretty cousin, however, with the prying inquisitiveness oi her sex, called for the lavendered letter— outwardly dotted with kisses—every afternoon, against the wish of Pat, and unti! afflicted nature could stand it no longer. The letter on the eve of the breeze was handed as usual to Pat's sly cousin, and when the lover began to suspect that Laura's letters were Grahamised (opened), he flew, figuratively speaking, to the postoffice, and demanded the angelic missive. Laura had got it. Pat stamped with rage, and it was said in evidence he swore, but I can scarcely believe that such a modest young man would swear, not even to the "inconstant moon." He would have fought had his antagonist been a quarter-of-a-century younger. The storm increased, but the trees were motionless. The Howickians assumed a defiant attitude. Patrick lifted up his voice—it was like mimic thunder— whilst his more experienced foe looked as cool as a cucumber, exclaiming with a philosophic air, "Patrick, my friend, you are a fool." This was the insult which was magnified . into such muttered terms as " Fenian," " scoundrel," and the like. The case was brought into Court because Pat's honour was at stake among the Howick lasses ;he lost, and had to pay the piper. Seldom have I listened to a simpler and more trivial case, and never since the Good Templar entertainment in that locality has there been such a disturbance in Howick. I might add that the wisest of the party was the old dame who would not see, on the sound principle that— ""They who in quarrels interpose Will often get a damaged nose. XXX Rumour saith that Johnny Bowerman, the interesting skipper of the Salvation (H)army, has been the subject of a rather amusing hoax. It appears that Johnny went to Whangarei last week fully determined to " salvationise " the natives there, but no sooner had he arrived than a telegram was placed in his hands stating that "the Major had arrived in Auckland, and wished to know why he (Johnny) had neglected his flock?" The Captain was filled with much amazement and sorrow, and determined to return at once to Auckland and interview his superior officer. He accordingly took passage again by the steamer Argyle, and proved very reticent until he arrived here. He did not hold a series of services on board of the steamer, and general wonder was expressed at the strange circumstance. Upon landing at the wharf, he met some friends, who were very much surprised at his unexpected return, and in response to his queries as to the " Major's " whereabouts, he was assured that no such person had arrived. It then dawned upon the mind of the skipper that he had been hoaxed, probably by some of the Auckland larrikins, and he became greatly grieved. The perpetrator of the hoax has not yet been discovered. XXX Let shipowners lay to heart, and profit by the misfortunes of Mr Ellis, of Newcastle, N.S.W., who, either through the culpability or heedlessness of his servant in running the gauntlet of the Customs with a few figs of tobacco, has lost a barque of somo 300 tons burthen, and been put to considerable legal expense in trying to recover her. While the law of New Zealand remains as it is, foreign merchants who have the temerity to let their vessels ply in these wate is willhave to safeguard themselves from possible confiscation by extraordinary precautions. Assomueh responsibility restsupon master and crew, these individuals, I presume, will be selected with unusual care and circumspection, and consequently the rate of pay should be increased proportionately to secure a class who will withstand temptation, and who can produco Sunday school prizes for good conduct, certificates of Church membership, Blue Ribbon Army and Anti-Smoking Society, credentials, to vouch for their invulnerability to the seductions of a little dabbling in the private smuggling line. My experience of "sailor

men " is that such a living compendium of the virtues as I have just limned out is rather a rara avis at sea. It does seem to my unsophisticated mind, however, that tho Customs Act is not only very properly stringent in respect of all evasions of Customs duties, but that it is also calculated to do a grievous wrong upon innocent and law-abiding shipowners by making the full weight of the punishment for the peccadilloes of unscrupulous servants to fall upon their heads. I can, too, foresee the possibility of such a law far overshooting its own purpose in the case of vessels whose magnitude would be out of all proportion to the gravamen of the offence. Would our Customs authorities have the boldness, for instance, to attempt the seizure of the steamship Doric for some petty acts of duty-evasion on the part of officers and crew ? I trow not. If that is so, then it is both xinjustand un-English to reserve such penalties for the small fry, leaving the larger fish to escape on easy terms.