PEN AND INK SKETCHES OF LOCAL POLITICIANS.

Auckland Examiner, Volume 1, Issue 30, 16 July 1857, Page 3

PEN AND INK SKETCHES OF LOCAL POLITICIANS.

By

Quizzicus.

CHAPTER XXIV. To be called Doctor, is so great an advantage, that I seriously incline to pass henceforth as Doctor Quizzicus, Indeed, iny weakness is for titles, whether they go before or after the proper name. A letter addressed to Quizzicus, Esq,, even though the subject of it be payment for a pair of boots, pleases me better than the friendliest epistle if addressed simply to Mi. Quizzicus. What can be more delicious than having one’s self Doctored. Names look and are more imposing when the right sort of handles are put t© them. Now, ~o a political Sam Sbarpset the fact of being Doctored is of immense importance. Indeed, he would as soon be Doctored, as Generated, or even Governered. A handle of that kind fixed firmly to the ] roper name, not only secures for its lucky possessor undeniable sta/as but brings to the family mill unquestionable grist. What kind of Doctor I sat down to pen-and-ink is unclear. He may, for ought proved to the contrary, be as well entitled to call himself Doctor of Law as Doctor of Divinity, and Doctor of Divinity as Doctor of Physic. Doctor of some kind he must be— because he passes for a Doctor. Of proper names he has more than one ; but for excellent reasons, I will write him down Dr. Sam Sbarpset. His first excursion from Sydney to the Bay of Islands was made in quality of Doctor to a Whaler about eighteen years ago. But as on board those respectable vessels it is usual to Doctor the Cook, it is possible that he did not physic any body on board said Whaler, or leave Sydney in a Whaler as Ship Doctor, the popular mistake concerning Ship functions he performed, arising from popular ignorance of the undoubted fact that on board Whtiers the Cook is called Doctor. Now, I eing Doctor of Law, or Divinity, or Medicine, is one thing, and being Doctor of the Galley is another thing. But as already intimated, Lcannot affirm upon a point so doubtful as well as delicate. I do, however, incline to the belief that when my subject arrived some eighteen years since at the Bay of Islands, he was Doctor of the Ship not Doctor of the Galley; that during the whole course of his life he never professionally cooked anything but a< counts; and therefore that while on board the Whaler he p; ssed for a genuine Doctor of Medicine. In what College he took his degrees, I cannot tell. Perhaps Nature’s. Perhaps he took out his own diploma, and dubbed himself Doctor upon the strength of physicking certain members of the Whaling Ship’s company. At all events I am unaware that he ever displayed his diploma; and people who have known him ever since he first touched the Bay of Islands, affirm that he was an entirely self-made Doctor. It may be wrong to indulge such fancies, but I do fancy he never had a diploma to show. The Sir Pertinax McSycophant, who figures in Macklin’s admirable “ Man of the World,” confesses that he got all his wealth by booing. Addressing a youngman about to enter upen life, he thus delivers himself—" How do you think I got my wealth ? By booing, Sir, by booing ; and never in my life standing upright in the presence of a great mon." My doubtful Doctor Sam Suarpset, cannot tell how he got his wealth, for the disagreeable, but solid reason that he never did get any. But though not “a man made of money,” or reputed to possess unmortgaged propei ty of any kind, he ranks high amongst the highest of onr notabilities. How think you, curious reader, did he contrive to fly so high with scarcely a feathei to fly with ? Why, by scheming, Sir, by scheming; and never disdaining to bend his body in presence of the great

mon. Yes, Dr. Sam Snarpset is the prettiest schemer and nicest charlatan we have. A fairer-looking or pleasanter-spoken official I would not desire the acquaintance of. Softly and fair-go-far, seems to be this distinguished person’s-maxim. Bishop Wilberforce is well known in England by the soubriquet Soapey Sam. Now, the subject of this faithful sketch is quite as well entitled to be known by that suggestive soubriquet in Auckland as ever Bishop Wilberforce could be in England. And not only does he, by remarkable talent for the szcariVor in mode, beget the Oily Gammon, or Soapey Sam idea, but by his whole manner contrives to impress the unprejudiced beholder with profound respect for his modesty. He often attended Provincial Council meetings but was always a silent member. In wordy strife he seems disinclined to take part, except on paper. More refined than his colleagues, he leaves them to do all the talking. If Nature intended him to shine as an orator, her intention will be baulked. His few attempts-at speechmaking have been failures. When elected for the Suburbs by a nominal majority of two, and a real minority of many more than that small number, he addressed our fine, free, and independent electors in a speech by no means equal to rhe occasion.

Having heard a great deal of Doctor Sam Sharpset, I went when the poll was declared, with ears pricked stifly up, to hear a spicey speech. But the little he said was neither remarkable for wit nor wisdom, and so timorously spoken that I trembled to hear him. He recalled the case of Ceasar, who, (if Shakespeare erred not) when in Spain suffering from fever, cried to his attendant — Give me some drink, Titania, like a sick girl. That his inability to publicly declaim, does not arise fro.a want of matter is evident from his writings, which are rather smart and tolerably spiced. Besides, I *tn assured that in private he by no means is at a loss for either ideas or words, speaks right on, rarely spits to gain time, and stiil more rarely helps himself along by such rhetorical crutches as hem I or hum ! But whether he speak publicly or privately, well or ill, the winningly soft and deadly smooth style of his address fairly entitles him to be distinguished as our own Soapey Sam. With women lie is a great favorite, and if the fact were not so I should be surprised, because with graces of manner he combines many graces oi person. The woman must be of monstrous size who (filching from Orlando-) could seriously and unfiguratively say, Oh, dear Doctor Sham Sharpset is fast as high as my heart; for though not tall, he decidedly is not short. Few faces more alluring than his; and he approaches nearer my ideal of a gentieman than the roughs with whom he politically Hets, or the model Superintendent he loves so well. I do however, reluctantly admit that from each corner of each eye there now and then peeps an expression of quick slyness which rather denotes the Man-of-the-Wor’d, who lives by his wits, than the pure patriot or the high minded legislator. Not having manipulated his head, J cannot tell how the bumps stand; but in Phrenology there must be something wrong if our own Soapey Sam is deficient of the bump marked cautiousness or has conscientiousness at all developed. A scheming acquaintance of mine being reproached for having so little conscientiousness said, — won't keep, and is bad stock in trade. Archdeacon Paley must have been perverted to that opinion when he said— He couldn't afford to keep a conscience. Far from expecting that the skull of my scheming subject manifests large conscientiousness, I should rather look for the absence of such manifestation. Lest critics should undo me by criticizing the wonderful artist who looks for the absence of manifestation, I will relate an anecdote:—While a student in Phrenology under Professor Makeshift, I heard that extraordinary person say that allEnropean genus homo varieties had the organ of inhabitiveness, but that on examining any number of skulls, once the property of North American Indians, he founa that where the bump of inhabitiveness ought to have been, a hole really was. Now, arguing upon grounds strictly phrenological, I say, not only that a prince of artjsts might look for the absence of conscientiousness in our Soapey Sam’s head, but find a hole precisely where the bump ought to be. What political notability with any pretention to appreciable conscientiousness and able to keep a conscience, would have lent himself to the Suburban Election trick—the Resignation trick—the Patriotic Fund Balance Sheet trick—the Resident Magistrate’s Court trick —the New Zealander wholesale defamation trick —the Electoral Roll corrupting Committee trick, or, indeed any one trick played by our trickey Provincial Government. At Kauau, where he acted as Doctor for the miners who some years ago mined for copper in that part of the Province, Physic does not appear'to have been much in demand among those hardy fellows.

No wonder, if under the circumstances, my scheming subject snould be ill-satis-fied. For though like other benevolent Doctors, he wished every body well, still he could not help wishing' a greater demand for his pills and poultices. At first his practice among the miners was lucrative ; but it tapered off gradually, and became by degrees so uglily less that he felt touched in his tenderest part. And, let who will assert the contrary, a profitable practice which tapers ofl smallwaid, as if fated soon to develope into une pointe mathematique, must make uneasy the most humane practitioner. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh, and upon one occasion, when my subject's heart was full, a friend remarking how fine the air was, he nippingly observed, that though he allowed it to be fine air, very fine air indeed, it was notfine enough for him to live upon. _ The sagest wits have held that tales of ancient hero virtues which “like light planks upon the waves of time,” have come down to us, are to be taken with some little allowance or, as a classical artist in words might say, cumgrano salis. Some of these sage wits do even venture to assert that Eneas was by no- means so pious as Virgil would have us believe him, and that Ulysses was not quite so prudent as he is painted by Homer. But though ancient heroes may have come down to us adorned with many virtues they never possessed,, it is certain that Auckland modern heroes are seldom praised too much, or always credited with the virtues they really possess For censuring, we Aucklanders have a decided taste. Our political heroes may by their small coterie of toadies be too much extolled, but by the public they are censured with a freedom quite Colonial. Did I believe all that the political opponents of our own Soapey Sam say about him, I should err on the illiberal side, which surely is the wrong one. It is- true that the affair of the watch did not place him i.i a creditable light, or warrant a suspicion that his instincts are of a superfluous’j generous kind. It is true that having allowed himself to be marched in custody of a police corporal to the police court, rather than attend the summons of a Magistrate he disliked, is as proof from Holy Writ that he is not the sweetest tempered person in Auckland, or a respector of the proverb which says, law makers should not be law breakers. It is true that the dead set he made, and makes, at the Resident Magistrate’s Court, seems indicative of a disposition to sacrifice public good upon the altar of personal spite. It is true that to him may be apolied the line of Moliere, — Ministrepar hazard, et medecin malgre lui— for at no time since he took a leading part in politics, does he seem to have been other than Statesman by chance, and Doctor in spite of himself. It is true that the illsuccess of his political “ dodges,” and tlie ill-luck supposed to be inseperable from his presence on board the unsoundly timbered and very leaky Constitutional ship, suggested Jonah as the fittest of proper names for him. It is true i hat his conduct with regard to the Patriotic Fund Balance Sheet may be excused but cannot be defended. And yet, these truths notwithstanding, I assert that he is censured by undiscriminating snarlers too severely ; that for a thorough schemer he is a passable man; that “ take him for *ll in all” he might be considerably worse ; and that, like the popular devil, he is not half so bad as he is popularly pictured. Amongst Jack Cade politicians he shines " like a star i’ the darkest night,” and may fairly be pen and inked as the fox of our “ uneducated Government.”