Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 1141, 24 July 1918, Page 7

Humour.

"Father," asked Tommy, "what are 'silent heroes' ?" "Married men, my boy," replied the father. Conjurer: "Now, to help mo with this next trick, I want the services of a boy—just any boy in the audience—yes, you will do, my little man; come along; Now, you've never seen me before, have you?" Boy (innocently): "No, father!" New Lodger (sarcastically): "Is this all the soap there is in the room?" Landlady (decidedly) : "Yes, sir—all I can allow you." New Lodger: "Well, I'll take two more rooms. I've got to wash my face in the morning." Farmer Brown: "Look hei'e, mister, the war map you sold me ain't correct!" Shopkeeper : ' 'Really! How do vou know that?" Farmer Brown: "My boy has written home, and says he's just going to Reconnoitre. But I'm hanged if I can find the place marked on the map!" Economy.

Young Wife: "Oh, Edward, you do believe that I am always thinking of economy, don't you?" Young Husband: ' 'Mabel, your shilling telegram this afternoon telling me where to go and save seyeupence on a carpet-broom warns me that you are thinking of it too much."

Getting His Money's Worth. "Sixteen shillings a day did they charge me for my room at the hotel in Lunnon!" cried Sandy indignantly, on his return to Croburgh Burghs from a sight-seeing expedition to the great Metropolis. "Oh, ay, it wisna cheap," agreed his father. "But ye must 'a' had a fine time seeing the sichts." "Seeing the sichts!" exclaimed Sandy. "I didna see a sicht a' the time I was in Lunnon. Mon, mon, ye dinna suppose I was going to be charged that much for a room an' then not get the proper use q' it!" Grateful Papa, Miss Curley kept a private school, and one morning was interviewing a new pupil. "What does your father do to earn I his living?" the'teacher asked the little ' girl. i "Please, miss," was the prompt reply, "he doesn't live with us. My mamma supports me." "Well, then, asked the teacher, "how does your mother earn her living?" "Why," replied the little girl, in an artless'manner, "she gets paid for staying away from father."

A BSC LOSS. j i A little shun boy was at a Sunday , school treat in tlie country. Wanderin-!: about the border of a pond, lie came across a newt. Never having) seen anything like this small lizard before, lie managed with some difficulty to secure the prize. Carefully wrap-, ping his captive in a very dirty pocket hj a lid kerchief, he bore it to the farm- 1 house, where- the party were having' tea. and borrowed a jam-pot wherein to carry it home. All went well until Victoria Station was reached. There, humped by a lug-gage-laden trolley, the hoy dropped his pot upon the platform over the fragrance of a broken pot, and the remains of the poor newt, he stood blubbering for all he was worth. "There, there, my little man!" said the curate in charge of the party. "Don't cry! Next year we shall go again to the country, and the trees will all he in hud, and the stream will he flowing brightly, and " "Lor', lummy, guv'nor!" blubbered i the boy. "T ain't eryin' about the I blessed trees. Wot abart my bloom in' alligator?"