Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 931, 10 June 1914, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

Mrs. Naggitt— "Before we were married you used to admire my strength of character." Mr. consider it stubbornness now."

He—"Let me kneel in the dust at your feet and tell you how much I adore you." She—"l beg .your pardon, sir, but there is no dust on our carpets." "

"You seem to find that book very interesting." "Yes; it's' delightful. I ve glanced at the ending, and the hero and heroine don't get married Sifter -all."

Meeker—"Just one year ago to-day I ledmy wife to the altar." Sleeker "You did, eh?" Meeker—"Yes, and then and there my leadership ended."

Elder Matron—"You shouldn't mind the baby crying a little. It strengthens his lungs." Younger Matron—"Oh, no doubt, but it weakens his father's religion so." \

First Girl—"l don't believe in early marriages. I don't intend to be married until I am over thirty." Second Girl—"And I don't intend to be o\er thirty until I'm married."

First Visitor—"Most interesting country round about here. Have you seen the ruins?" Second Visitor (who has just paid his bill) —"Yes; I suppose you mean the guests leaving this hotel." .

Now, ' said the physician, "vou will have to eat plain food and-not stay out late at night." "Yes," replied the patient, "that is what I have been thinking ever since you sent in tour bill."~.-,. . ." -

"1 remember one picture that brought tears to my eyes." ■ "A pa-thetic-subject, I presume?" "No, sir; it was a fruit painting. I was sitting

;:close under it when it dropped rn. my

Housewifei-"But I hear there's plenty of work down tEe~ road." thank you, missis, for sour; kindly warnin'."

" '. Mamma— "Oh, look, Willie, your litbaby i-brother can stand all akme} Aren't you glad?" >:ow I can get him to "stand up against the to a fellow-passenger ■on a steamer, n'all while I throw knives round him. oan't I?" :■■■■; . y..-± :■■■■■■■

,■" Education does not consist of knowledge alone. It is the. mental capacity of being able to establish and maintain harmony between ourselves and the world.-^-Rosegger.

Angry Mother—"You've got an awiui nerve'to ask me to give you Lack your ball when you nearly killed one if.my children with it.". Boy—"Well, ma'am, you've got ten children, ana ;-e've only got one ball."

Slow Waiter—"Have I ever been in uhe country, sir? No, sir. Why do "6u;;ask" Tired Customer—"l was just thinking how thrilling you'd find t to sit on the fence and watch the Un-toises whiz by." -

"Where there is much desire to learn, there, of necessity, will be much arguing, much writing, many opinions—for opinion in good men is but knowledge in the making."—Milton.

"There have been times in my life," said he, gloomily, "when I was tempted to commit suicide." "Oh! well," she said,, "it's.no use to grieve over the past. We can all look back and see where we've made mistakes."

"Oh I George," she exclaimed, "now that you've seen my new hat, you simply can't regret that I got it.. Isn't it just a poem?" - "Well, if it is," replied George, "I suppose a proper title tor it would be 'Owed to a Milliner.' "

First Literary Man—"Have you got your short story accepted ?" Second Ditto—"You bet, I sent it to a lady editor marked, 'Price' six guineas. Special reduction during holiday season, £2 lis. 6d.' It was accepted next post." , . WHY SOME PEOPLE CO TO CHURCH. An editor in lowa, after considering the situation, has concluded that "some go to church to weep, while others go to sleep; some go to tell their woes, while others go to show their' clothes; some go to hear the preacher; others like the solo screecher; boys go to reconnoitre, girls go because they 'orfcer'; some go for reflection, precious few to help the collection I" A MUSICAL TRAGEDY.' "What do you think of brasß bands ?" asked he, thinking of the free concerts at the park. "Brass bands are better than none," replied she, contemplatively gazing at he third finger of her left hand; "but why can't I have a gold band?" THE. WORST OF IT. "It's ridiculous for a young man to get married as soon as he comes of age!" said the elderly bachelor. "Think so, do you?" said Henpeck languidly. "Of coursel Why, he's scarcely old enough to behis own master." "Well, he isn't if he gets married!" HIS SUCCESTION. Beggar (insinuatingly): "I say; mister, have yer got any suggestion to make a feller wot ain't able to raise a )Gnny to git shaved with?" Old Gentleman '(passing on): "Yes, a beard." HIS GRIEVANCE. "Durn there here motor-cars?" said the man with the sun-burned suit, ■ound shoulders and long beard. "I .',uess I've gone a-runmng up to no less'n a dozen crowds 'spectin' to see \ fight, and only found some fellow docterin' a motor-carl" MONEY ORDER. "You 'can't get a money-order for more than £IOO, can you?" "Don't you ,b_elie\/e it. I got one the other day for £200." ' 'Through the post-office ?" "Yes." My wife telegraphed, "Send me £2OO at once." -.''■■■■ •■"7-1 HELP. "Did you have to help him out when he proposed " "No. Papa did!" , MORE SATISFACTORY. Customer: Waiter, bring two hard boiled eggs." Waiter: "Couldn't you take those eggs poached, sir. It's been found more satisfactory all round to open those eggs in the kitchen, sir." THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. "Whatever are ..you trying to do, Pat?" asked the squire, who had come across one of. his tenants at work upon a weird-look-ing contrivance of indefinable shape and purpose. "Whoi, you honour, was the surprised answer, "sure, ye can see Oi'm afther buildin. a windmill." " 1

"A windmill is it," said the squire. "But you'll get no wine' down in this hollow, Pat.". "Pooh, yer honour," said Pat. i.ho wants wind? Oi'm goin' to be more up-to-date! Oi'll work the windmill wid 'lectricity or wireless telegraphy, bedad!"