Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 829, 19 June 1912, Page 8

Humour.

During the frost fair of January, 1716* it is recorded that ah uncommonly high spring tide, which overflowed cellars on 'the banks of'the river, raised the ice fully fourteen feet, without interrupting the people in their pursuits.'

Similar fairs were held in 1740, 1788-9, and 1814. The last was one of the gayest and most animated of these events, though it lasted only four days.

Keeping Up Appearances.— Wife: "There was a man around Jo-day selling big brass burglar alarm bells to put on the front of theiiouse, so I ordered one." Husband: "What! You know we haven't anything worth stealing." Wife: "I know that, but it

Will make the neighbours think ; #e^ave;'^;:s : .., • ' ' .Me was Moyed.-~-Missioriary (out; west); ■' fDid you ever forgive an "erierny?" Bad Man;-' f Wunst;'' "I am glad to hear that. What moved; your inner soul to prefer peace to strife?" "I didn't have no'gun,".'• * "There seems to be a-penalty provided for every thing but stealing a man's daughter.", "There's a penalty for that, too." "I'd like to what it is." "Hard labour forlife." His Wife: "In this book the author says ;the heroine has a 'wealth/of golden hair.'" Baxter: "Ohj of course. She had put all her money into rats and pulf s like the rest of youi" Accounted For;—" How did you getvybur black eye, Sambo ?v "Well, boss, yer see I was jOutM? looking fer trouble, and dis eye was de furst X' find it.',' /- : , Quite Comfortable," Thank You.—Aunt Jane: "I understand that Mr. Skinnay has won you." Miss De Mure:"Yes." Aunt Jane:. "He's very sharp, isn't he?" Miss De.' Mure (absentmindedly) : ' 'Rather; but, then, he always puts a cushion on his knees for me!" Will Work Well—Mrs. Strongmind (a few years hence): "I presume you are glad that your husband has been-nominated." Fair Guest: "Indeed,-1 am. It's fust Eke old. titties, before we were married." "In what way?" "He knows Thave a vote, and he's just as devoted as a lover."' •:■ Stands • the Test.—Friend: "The critic" of the 'Review' says that your book shows not the faintest ray of genius, and contains not a" single sentence that belongs,ta literature." Successful Autho,r>x"Huhl I've .tfnade six hundred poiiinds^on thatbook, and I'll bet he over five pounds for his criticism. "1

A Coupon Clipper.—Sh»- (afte.iT the honeymoon): "What if Do you really meatf that you havei no income outside of your salary ?'\. He: ."Certainly, I mean what i say." "But you often told \me that your fingers ached frojm clipping coupons." "Yes, I ikoci to take a good. many newspapers! ■' ' \i ' SUPPLY AND DEMAND. The Wife: "Big' cheeksi for dresses will not be m demand this season.". ■ ''\ ■ .- " / /The Husband: "Thank goodhessl" / ' -' ABOVE IT, '... ~ The tramp leaned against the door-jamb, while Miss Annabel Sheldon peered out at him, and he 'gazed past her at the kitchen table. ~" • '■■' "You look strong," said Miss Annabel. "Are you equal to the task of sawing and chopping - wood?" "Equal to it, madam?" said the tramp. "Th£ word is inade-; quate. 1 am superior to it,'' and down the road drifted a cloud of dust raised by his patient, plod-ding-feet.' . -■ . y•' <, LUCKY ESCAPES. The other day an old bachelor died, leaving behind him a very large fortune. All his money he divided among a number of ladies, who, as the will set forth, had at various times refused th 2 hand of the testator in marriage "Arid - to the considerate conduct of these ladies," the document added; "I am of opinion that I owe all the happiness of my long life." -

EXPLAINED. \ First guest: "I'm sure I don't know why they call this hotel /The -Palms:' '; Do. you? I've never seen a palm anywhere near the place.*' Second Giiest: "You'll see them before you so. It's a pleasant little surprise the waiters keep for the'guests, to the last; day of their stay."

HE SETTLED TJiEKkl> It: was a railway, ah<l the occupants were sevePr-tja-vellers and a staid, pompous old gentleman. "Various and uttsuc--were to draw him into conversation. At length one of them said:; '•Come, sir; I know you/ are one of us. Tell us what you are travelling in." • "Young man," answered the tormented one, glaring at his interlocutor. . "I amy traveling, in very objectionable and -.inquiss•fivecompany, and thecarriageis full of samples." He' wasn t disturbed after %)ss.