HUMOUR.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 829, 19 June 1912, Page 7

HUMOUR.

A USETJUL MEMO. He is like all boys, forgetful. Johnny ha*, perhaps, a greater faculty for remembering to forget than the ordinary boy, and that led him into trouble. His employer told him that the next time he what he was told his services would be dispensed with. ( The cashier is a kindly fellow. He told Johnny to make a memorandum of each thing he had to do during the day. That afternoon the cashier noticed a paper pinned above Johnny's desk. It read : ' Memo.—Leave at six o'clock,'

IMPARTIALITY t They were sitting side by side in the gal- ; lery. One had been paid to applaud the i star, and the other to. hiss him. Both of ' them worked hard to comply with their ob- ! ligations, &o that the bauds of the one who ' applauded were swollen and sore, while tho hisser was out of breath. Finally tho laiter said to his neighbour: ' Suppose you bias for the rest of the programe and I will applaud. It amounts to the same thing, and will give us both relief.' A GRAND BIRD. They were talking about pigeon-flying, when an old man, who had been listening attentively, chimed in—'Eh, but I had a grand bird once. I sent it to Brussels, just to see wbat it could do.' 'That wasalongish way,' interrupted a listener. ' Aye", it wor that. Well, it flew from Brussels to Hull; and wheu it got that far it had worn every feather right off its wings, so it had to drop.' 1 And died, I suppose,' said another. ' Die ? Not a bit on it. It set out and walked home—fifty mile, if it wor a yard ! Eh, bnt it wor a grand bird !' Then the other disciples of Ananias crept silently away. They were beaten. THE COLONEL. ' Where are you going, Colonel ?' asked Mrs. Yerger of her husband, as he put on his hat to go out. ' Look here, Mrs. Yerger, a sensible woman never asks her husband where he is going.' ' But, of course, the sensible husband has the right to ask his wife where she is going, when she goes out,' retorted Mrs. Yerger, scornfully. • A sensible man,' responded the Colonel, 'never does ask his wife whore she is going, for the simple season that the sensible man never has a wife.' And with a triumphant smile he put on his hat and sallied forth. GAVE HIMSELF AWAY. A story is told of a meek-looking stranger with a distinctly ministerial air, who applied for permission to look over a large rubber factory. He knew nothing at all about the rubber business, he said, - and after a little hesitation he was admitted. The superintendent- showed him about in person, and the man's questions and comments seemed to come from the densest ignorance. Finally, wher. the grinding room was reached, he lingered a little and asked, in a hesitating way: 'Couldn't I have a specimen of that curious stuff for my cabinet ?' ' Certainly,' replied the superintendent, although it was a compound tho secret of which was worth thousands of dollars—- ' certainly. Cut off as much as you wish.' With eager step the visitor approached the roll of gum, took out his knife, wet the blade in his mouth, and —■*- 'Stop,'said the superintendent, laying a heavy hand upon the stranger. ' You are a fraud and a thief. You didn't learn in a pulpit that a dry knife won't cut rubber.' So saying, he showed the impostor to the door, and the secret was stil\ safe.