Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 700, 3 November 1909, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

A paper, describing an accident, says:—

"Dr. Castoroil was called, and, under his prompt and skilful treatment, the young man died on Wednesday night."

Kind Friend: "Henpeck, let me introduce you to Professor Glass, the great hypnotist, who can put anyone to sleep within two minutes after starting." Henpeck: "Glad to meet you, Professor. Come, yet me introduce you to my wife."

An orator holding forth in favour of woman—dear, divine woman—concluded thus:—

"Oh, my friends, depends upon it, nothing beats a good wife." "I beg your pardon," replied a woman. "Sure, a bad husband, does."

Tar: "On my last voyage I saw waves one hundred feet high !" Spar: "I've been a sailor forty years, and 'never seen 'em over forty." Tar: "But don't you see everything is higher now than it used to be, mate."

A tailor who was defendant in a case at the assizes seemed much cast down when brought up for trial. "What's the trouble?" whispered his counsel, observing his client's distress as he surveyed the jurymen. "It looks pretty bad for me," said the defendant, "unless some steps are taken to dismiss that jury and get in a -ew lot. There ain't a man amongst em but what owes me money for clothes."

Lady in touring car beckons to pedestrian : "Will you kindly do me a small favour, sir?" "Certainly., madam." "Then please stand out in the middle of the highway and let me see how quickly I can stop my car without luting - you. I'm afraid this brake is out of order."

An overdressed woman was talking to an acquaintance.

"Yes," she said, "since John came into his money we have a nice country house, horses, cows, pigs, and hens."

"That must be charming," remarked the other; "you can have all the fresh eggs you want." "Oh, well," replied the first lady, "of course the hens can lay if thev like too, but in our opinion it isn't at all necessary."

A PRACTICAL DEFINITION.

A student was told to define the words transparent, translucent, and opaque.

"I cannot precisely define the terms, professor,." answered the student, "but I can indicate their meaning. The windows of this room were once transparent, they are -now translucent, and if not cleaned, they will soon be opaque."

HE FELT IT.

During service in a certain church on one of the warm Sundays recently experienced, many of the congregation, finding the air oppressive, rose and silently stole away. The minister, perceiving that the exodus was about to become epidemic, paused in his discourse. "Brethren," he said, "I am here to deliver a sermon, not a soliloquy."

CAVE THE SHOW AWAY.

Some time ago a travelling circus visited a little town. The attraction was a long-bearded lady. An intelligent little girl was seated at her feet collecting money in a wooden bowl. A gentleman, who had been much interested by the wonderful woman, on the PSJnt of going out said to the little .girl—"And I suppose, my dear, that this lady is your mother?" Just imagine the astonishment of those assembled when she answered, "Oh, no, sir, she's my dad !"

NO MISTAKE.

A late chief officer of an infantry regiment, relating some of his experiences in an expedition, said one day that after hours of laborious climbing up a steep and never-ending path, he heard a groan of despair from a private soldier.

"Look 'ere, Bill. I've had enough of this," the soldier said to his comrade.

:: 1 was told that this was a blooming tableland."

"So it is!" replied the other soldier. '■Can's ye see ye're climbing up one of the legs ?"

COT HIS OWN BACK.

> A negro gardener, a jolly fellow, was employed at a school. The boys used to have great fun with him. Sometimes, however, he would prove too much for them with his repartee. One day in the spring Sambo had been burning the school green in order to get rid of the old withered grass. A young fellow came along, and thinking to have some fun,, shouted: "Say, there, Sambo, vou ought not to burn that stuff."

"Why ?" inquired Sambo. "Because," replied the other, "it'll make that grass as black as vou are."

"Well, massa," retorted Sambo, "dat's all right. Yes, dat's all right. Never fear, dat ere grass come up again, and be as green as you are!"

A TALL ORDER.

Milliners have other troubles besides the frequent difficulty of collecting bills. One milliner tells of a letter she received from the wife of a man who, in a brief time, had advanced from poverty to wealth. His family was still in obscurity, but was preparing to emerge.

"I want vou to make a bonnet and two hats right off," wrote the wife, for me and the girls, and expense is no accounts "My meaWre is nearly twelve inches from ear toxar over the head, and eight under the chin, and six from top of forard to back hair, and that's near enuff for both the girls. "I'm sandy, Jane Is dark, and Lucy's got red hair. We want, lively colours, ,and I want blue flowers and strings on mine, besides some plooms. "Jane wants hers green and Lucy wants pink; we don't care what shapes, but they must be becoming and so as they won't blow to peaces in the wind: nor we don't want them loud, for my husband won't hear to such.

"Please send within five days, and if satisfactory, bill will be paid at once.''