Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 699, 27 October 1909, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

"Are you a skilled chauffeur?" "I should say I am. If I run over anybody I can always get away before they take my number."

Customer: "I say, what do-you think that is? Just taste it and Rive me your opinion."

Grocer: "Well. I should say it was soda."

Customer: "That's what I said. But my wife contended that it was rat poison. Try it again to make sure."

'See, wife. I have brought you this child that I found all alone in the street. One more or less won't make much difference; we will treat him as if he were our own."

Wife: "Why. you donkey, don't you know him? It's our little Georgie: I've been looking for him everywhere."

Poet's Wife: "My husband read this poem at a public celebration before thousands of people. Alas it was the last poem he ever wrote." Publisher: "I see. Did they lynch bim or shoot him?" "I say. Jack Perkins has asked me to lend him ten pounds." "Well, do it. As a personal favour to me let him have it." "Personal favour to you?"

"Yes. If you don't let him have it, he'll come to me for it."

A little girl was engaged in makingan apron for her doll. Looking- up to her mother, she said. "Mother, 1 believe that I will be a duchess when 1 grow up." "Why, Molly, how is it that you expect to become a duchess ?" "Why., by marrying- a Dutchman, cf course."

Mr. Mold, the undertaker, was a hustler. In his opinion even a funeral could be made a thing- of beauty, if not a joy for ever. He stood on the kerb surveying" with much pride a glorious motor hearse, his latest innovation.

"What do you think of it —pretty smart, eh ?" he asked a friend. "Splendid, old man; people will be simply dying to ride in i..

One cold winter's morning at daybreak an old farmer met the local "professional beer swallower" shivering at the front of one of the local pubs, and saluted him with: — "Jack, you are like a man that is to be hanged I" "And hanged I must be,' replied Jack, with a sly wink, "because when the bolt from the door is drawn, I'm bound to get the drop."

NO NEED TO WORRY. That everything should be neat and shipshape is most important aboard a yacht. A writer tells the story of the captain of a certain sloop, who crossed the deck in a hurry, seemingly very much perplextd. A lady stopped him. and asked what the trouble was. "The fact is, ma'am," he said, "our rudder's broken." "Oh. I shouldn't worry about that," said the lady. "Being under water nearly all the time, no one will notice it." UNFAILING COURTESY. To be at the same time rude and polite is an achievement of great difficulty. A French gentleman had finished his holiday in England, and had ju's't paid a. very large hotel bill. He was indignant, but his native courtesy was unimpaired. "Send ze proprietaire to me," he said to the waiter, and presently the host entered. Monsieur was all smiles. "Ah, let me embrace you !" he cried. ■ "But why do you want to erribrace me. sir? I don't understand." "Ah. saire. but look at ze beel!" "Your bill! Yes, bvt what of it?" "Vot of it ? Vy, it means zat I s'all nevaire, nevaire see you again, saire " UNQUESTIONABLE LOGIC. "Vicious circle" is a term often used in the medical world. Here is an example of its psychological use applied to arg-ument:— Tom, the son of a wealthy man, was a great favourite with all who knew him, but he heartily detested business. A merchant had engaged him as bookkeeper at a high salary. Nevertheless. Tom got into the habit of reachin the office later and later, until finally he got there about two in the afternoon. When this state of affairs had gone on for a week, the merchant remonstrated. "But my dear sir," returned Tom. "how can I come any earlier? I don't set my breakfast until one." "But get your breakfast earlier." "How can I ? I don't get up till twelve." "Then get up earlier." "How can I," pleaded Tom, "when 1 don't go to bed until daylight?" In the face of such convincing argument there was nothing to be said. NEED SHE ASK? A certain man. of rather a waggish disposition, contends that his wife has no imagination. At dinner one night he chanced to mention a tragic circumstance which he had read in the evening- paper on the way home. It seemed that a passenger on a transatlantic Reamer had fallen overboard in mid-ocean, and had never been seen again. "Was he drowned ?" asked his wife. "Oh, no," answered the husband, "but he sprained his ankle, I believe." LONG IN LEARNING. • Mr. Morse having bought a new bi-. cycle of the most improved pattern, presented his old one to Dennis Halloran. who did errands and odd iobs for the neighbourhood. "You'll find the wheel useful when youl're in a hurry. Dennis," he . said. The young Irishman was loud in his thanks, but regarded the wheel doubtfully. "I mistrust 'twill be a long while before I can ride it," he said. "Why. have you ever tried?" asked Mr. Morse. "I have," said Dennis, gloomilyv tf A:,.. frind lint me the loan o' his whiles/he; was havinp- the moomps. 'Twas. thr«sSs? / weeks I had it. an' what wid practisingnight an' morninr. I niver got so I could balance raesiJf standing still, let alone riding on it."