Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 697, 13 October 1909, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

First Athlete: "Do yow see that gentleman yonder? He holds the largest number of prizes and medals ever posessed by one man." Second Ditto: "What, that fellow? He doesn't look a bit like a champion." First Ditto: "It is just as I tell you, though. He is a pawnbroker, you see." "Here !" roared the old lawyer to his son. studying law with him; "you told me you read this work on Evidence, and yet the leaves are not cut." "Used X-rays," yawned the versatile son; and the father chuckled with delight as he thought what a lawyer the boy would make. "Can you give me any evidence in regard to the character oLthe deceased?" said the judge. 9 "Yes, my lord," replied the witness. "He was a man without blame, beloved and respected by all men, pure in his thoughts, and " "Where did- you learn that?" said the judge. "I copied it from his tombstone, my lord." "That young man who ha. c so miich to say abouit things is ohe of the partners in the concern, ain't he?" said a visitor at a wholesale establishment. "No; he is one of the clerks." "And who is that quiet-looking old man who seems to be so much afraid of giving trouble?" "He owns the business." WHY THE LADY BLUSHED. A new physician in a small town got himself into a serious predicament soon after his arrival by his inability to remember names and people. One day, while making out a patient's receipt, his visitor's name completely escaped him. But not wishing to appear ' forgetful, and thinking to get a clue, he asked her whether she spelled her name with an "e" or an "i." The lady blushed and replied—"Why, doctor, my name is Hill." PLEASURES OF ANTICIPATION. The youngest girl of a family was recently much distressed at dessert to discover that there was icecream for dinner. "Oh papa!" exclaimed the youngster, "why didn't they tell me this morning that we were going to have ice-cream?" "What difference would that have made?" "Lots !" sighed the child. I could have expected it all day." A MEAGRE DIET. "A certain father who is fond of putting his boys through natural history examinations is often surprised by their mental agility. He asked them to tell him "what animal is satisfied with the least nourishment." "The moth," one of them shouted confidently. "It eats nothing but holes.". THE NEW GRAMMAR. "What part of speech is 'kiss'?" asked a high-school teacher of one of her pupils the other day. "A conjunction," replied one of the smart girls. "Wrong!" said the teacher severely. "Next girl." "A noun," answered a demure little maiden. "What kind of noun?" continued the preceptress. "Well, it is both common and proper," answered the shy girl, and she was placed to the head of the class. A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE. "Madam," whined the sad-eyed unemployed, who hadlcome forlornly to the kitchen door —"a good, hearty meal, madam, is all I crave! It would help me tremenjusly in my work!" "And what is your work?" demanded the kindly housewife. "Looking for work, madam," politely replied the unemployed. "And suppose I were to give you a job?" inquired the housewife. "I couldn't take it ma'am," replied the unemployed, with a pathetic smile. "It would interfere with my work."

BUSINESS, OR LOVE? A maiden, well advanced in years, * used to' wait every morning for the postman, a bachelor of about her age, and tp ask him if there were not a letter for her. Several weeks passed thus, but the anxiously-expected letter did not arrive. Finally, one morning the postman said to her: — "Well, to-morrow you shall get your letter, if I have to write it myself." "That's right, do it," replied the old maid. "I shall be delighted to accept it." "Well," said the postman, smiling, "what do you want me to write —a business letter or a love-letter?" "If you mean business, please write a love-letter,", was her blushing reply. MIGHT WELL BE ASHAMED. A schoolmaster had been severely correcting a boy, and finished by saying—"'Now sit down and write a letter to your parents, telling them how much, you are taught here, and how little you profit therefrom. I should be ashamed to tell them." The boy cried at first, and then wrote: — "'Dear father, I am very stupid, though there is more to be learnt here than anywhere. Twice two's four, four boys go to one bed, six beds make one attic, and four attics made one well ventilated and well appointed sleeping dormitory. One round of bread and butter makes one breakfast and every tea makes its own supper." "This time," said the master, when he had examined the letter, "we will overtook your (conduct„ and you needn't send that note."