Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 695, 29 September 1909, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

Tommy: "Pa, was writing doae ©« tables of stone ia the old dare" Tommy's Pa: "Yes, my sab." Tommy: "Why, it must have taken a crowbar to break the news." Miss Cutting: "I see by tke p&pec that all the swell set was at the Assembly ball last night." Miss M'Bluff: "Yes, I espected to be taere 4 but was prevented—" Miss Cutting": "The idea! I hope the doorkeeper wasn't rough with you, dear." A ncwly-apnointed crier in a county court in Australia, where thero ara many Chinese, was ordered by the judge to summon a witness to the stand. "Call for Ah Song," was the command. He was puzzled for a moment. He glanced shyly at the judge, but found him as grave as an undertaker. Then. turning to the spectators, he blandly simpered:— "Gentlemen, would any of you* favour his worship with a song?" The City 'bus was full, the 'busman ruddy of countenance and ready of wit. his face fringed with a beard of auburn hue. Across his path drove a cabman spick and span, and eager to exercise his wit. "Halloa, 'busman ! I used to have a beard like yours, till I saw myself in a glass. Then I cut it off." "Halloa, cabby! I used to have a face like yours, and when I found I couldn't cut if off. I grew this beard."

HIS DUTIES EXPLAINED. "I suppose you are still with the same firm?" said the old school friend. "Yes," answered the youth with the patient expression of countenance. "What's your position?" "I'm an employee." "But what is your official title?" I haven't any official a;u. It's like this —When the managci warns something done he tells the head clerk, and the head clerk tells one of his assistants, and the assistant tells me." "And what then?' "Well. I haven't anybody to tell, so I have to go and do it myself."

THREE WAYS OF SHOOTING. A sergeant at the butts watching two recrudts who repeatedly failed to hit the target. The sergeant, although not a good shot himself, said he would show them the way to shoot. He fired, but missed, and, turmnff to one of the recruits, said, "That's the way you shoot." Firing again, he missed, and, turning to the second recruit, said, "That's the way vou shoot." The third time he managed to get a "bull," and, raising himself from tk« ground he calmly remarked, "Aa< that's tne way I shoot."

WOMAN'S GENTLE ART. "I often wonder," said a gentleman to a young mechanic, "how yovi ever plucked up courage, enough to propose to your wife —you were always such a bashful young fellow.'-' "Well," explained the husband, "she made it easv for me. You know I walked ouit with her frequently, and she must have known I meant business. But I was always afraid to speak right out, till one night I said to her rather casually: 'Do you think you'll ever marry?' She said she thought she might; so I said : 'When ? 'Whenever vou> do,' was her answer; and I said:'' All right.' So we settled the day there and then.' "

A WAITER'S VERDICT. Two diners at an hotel were disputing as to what a pine apple really was. One of them insisted that it was a vegetable. The friends determined t« accept the decision of the waiter, wh6 was called to the table. "John," asked one of them, "how do you describe a pineapple? Is it a fruit or is it a vegetable?" "It's neither, gentlemen; a pineapple is always' a hextra," he replied.

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. A certain estimable old gentleman is at all times worth listening to, though occasionally his grammar is scarcely perfect. He was dining on one occasion with the local squire, when, much to the disgust of his worthy host, a trifling error on the old gentleman's part was pounced upon and loudly repeated by the son and heir of the house. There was a painful silence, broken at length by the hoist. "My son," he remarked qudetly to the young fellow, "there are times, I admit, when our eld friend's speech is a little peculiar. At such time you might be of mutual assistance to each other." "In what wav. sir?" asked the son. "Well," was the severe rejoinder, "you might give Mr. X —- a lesson or two in grammar in return for which I have no doubt he would assist you to patch up the holes in you'r manners !"

NOT WHAT SHE EXPECTED. Young Mr. Charles was plainly embarrassed, and Mis Smith knew what was coming, or thought she did. "Er—Miss Smith," he said, feverishly, "could I—er—see your father for a moment or two?" "Certainly, Mr. Charles!" and, excusing herself, she swept from the room. Presently the old man came m, and, after a short conversation with Mr. Charles, he stepped to the door, and summoned his daughter. Mr. Charles, whose face was radiant said, "As I have a long ride before me. I think I will say Goodnight.' " ... "Oh, papa," pleaded the girl immediately her lover disappeared. "Did he —did he " ■ "I did!" broke in the old man. His daughter fell on his neck and kissed him. He held her at arm's G "1 did," he repeated, "I lent him fourpence to get home with—that wa? what he wanted me for."