Odds and Ends

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 652, 2 December 1908, Page 7

Odds and Ends

, .\o|ith; J« Look here, this, horse-I hired from you runs on to the pavement every time he sees a motorcar," % Horse ;Bealer: Weli, ' ex- • pect ajhorse to run up a telegraph pole or climb a tree, do you?" ■ ;; ;; ;; "Xhe;; most extraordinary thing about him is that he always attaches ;(; importance to the most insignificant '■■ things*'' » ;> , l -' ■ ■ "'• -. ';....;;,; ,« "Yes;,that is plain to be seen. If ;. it were not so, how else could he have . such an opinion of himself ?" ' ■ = " Thought you saidi you had plough*' ed that 10-acre field," said the first .farmer.. - ■ , ; ... / " No; I only said I was thinking *■ about ploughing it," said the second .farmer. ■ ■ •■ , V .'■■: "Oh, I see; you merely turned it overin your mind." '< Dentist: . "I'll have to charge you v ten shillings for pulling that tooth." ; Patient: ',' I thought you only charged half a crown." V <\ " Dentist: " Yes; but" you yf jied so loudly, you scared three other* patients out of the place/' ■";.■. ;'"•■" ;; A diner in a restaurant sighed heavi- i ly in the hearing of the waiter. ■ "Anything wrong, sir?" queried the .< attendant.':-- :'..•/:' ' ■ \'Y, ■ " Not much," was the reply. "I ' .«; was only wondering whether I should i ' live, to'be as old as this chicken." An Impossibility. •" I'm going out for a lime while," said a father to his son. "Remember not ito v let anybody'in, and don't let the fire out." K "I don't see how the fire can go out if I keep the door locked," innocently replied the youngster. Quite Satisfied. Tourist (to .boy who has asked "for , the right time, and then set, his " turnip "): " I said three o'clock, my boy, not twelve." Youngster: "Oh. that's all right, sir, she'll'soon make it up that" 4 bit. .< She's a wunncrful goer."

A Division. Yt "I think the money in the world should 7 be more evenly divided,'' said the long-haired man. ' k ; "Well, I think it would be abetter to distribute the hair more evemjy.' said the bald-headed one. As He Viewed it. "Freddy," asked the master, "What does, leap year mean ?" "One day extra of 9ch001," answered Freddy, sadly. When Madame Goes Shopping, " Let me see some of your black kid gloves," said a lady to a shopman. "These are not the latest style, are they?" she .asked, when the gloves were produced. " Yes, madame," replied the shopman; "we have ,had them in stock only two days." " I didn't think they were, because the fashion "paper says black kids have tan stitches, and vice versa. I see the tan stitches, but not the vice versa." The shopman explained that vice versa was French for seven buttons, so she bought three pairs.

'.' Say_, Maggie, bow much does a automobile cost?" "Idunno. Why?" "Well, I found fourteen cigar coupons, an' I wuz jest wonderin' how many more I need." f, "

A Reporter's Caution. Said the editor to the new reporter, " You must learn never to state a thing as a fact until it has been proved a!■•--■'-■ fact. You are apt ,to get us into libel suits. D'e not say, 'The cashier stole ■ ''; the funds,' say 'The cashier who is / alleged to have stolen the funds. That's all. Oh, get something about that First Ward social night.' 1 And this is the iepprt tnjned in by the young man who heeded the editor's warning:— ! , It is rumoured that a card partywlp was given last evening to a number of reputed ladies of the First Mrs. Smith, gossip says, was the hos r tess, and the festivities ate reported to have continued until 11.30 in the even--.' ing, The alleged hoiitess is belieled to be the wife of John Smith, the so* called 'high-priced grocer.'"