Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 441, 29 September 1904, Page 7

Humour.

SOLDII&'S ADVENTUBES IN INDIA. Saadie Macpherson was a soldier ia an English regiment;, which landed in Isdia on Christmas Say, Sandie was longing to hear a c braw Soot's' tongue. Suddenly his face lighted np as he heard the bagpipes approaching. ' Gude be praised,' quoth he to his comrade; 'there's a Scots regiment here. Maybe the Gordons or the Black Watoh/ Bound the corner swept the pipers, and Sandie's eyes bulged and his jaw dropped as he saw, not braw kilted laddies, but active little black-faced G-oorkhae. ' The Black Watch with a vengeance!' laughed his comrade, gleefully. • COAL MEBCHANT'S DOG. A coal dealer had a large Newfoundland dog of wonderful sagacity named Bover. Bover spent all his time in the coalyard, and whenever a coal cart was hauled on to the scales he always took his stand under the cart, like a coach dog. He weighed nearly lOOlbs, and increased | the figures on the ticket to this extent every time. This went on until one day a pedlar, wisning to purchase a small, quantity of coal, wheeled a barrowful upon the scales. The clerk in the office, working at the scales, shouted through the window: «Take out a lot of that 1* The man did so. keeping on until all the coal was out of the barrow. The. elerk tried the scales again, but they still indicated too much, ■ You must take out more,' he shouted. ■ You have a boat-load on there!' • Look here, governor,' replied the man, ' the coal's all out. I shall have to take the wheel eff to lighten it any more,' Then the man looked under the barrow, and saw the faithful animal at his post of duty. A JUDGE AND TWO BABBISTEBS. The late Lord Bussell of Killowen used to tell an amusing story in illustration of Lord Campbell's humour. In a certain case counsel on one side was Mr Sam Joyce, a very diminutive personage, and oa the other Mr (afterwards Sir John) Earslake, one of the tallest men at the Bar. When Joyce rose to address the Court, his head appearing just above the rail in front of the bar, Lord Campbell anticipated him. Mr Joyce,' he said, ' when counsel ad dress the Court it is usual for counsel to stand up.' 'My Lord,' protested tbe little man. I am standing up,' ' Soon afterwards Earslake arose from a bench at the back of the Court 'Mr Earslake,' said the Judge, when the tall man had fully elongated himself, 'although it is usual for counsel to stand up when they address the Court, it is not necessary for thorn to stand on one of the benches!'

AN INDTGNANT HUSBAND. Mr Williarm Hoggins was angry, and he certainly appeared to have some justification for wrath, ' Liza;' he expostulated, ' don't I always tell yon I won't have the kids bringing in the coals from the shed in my best hst P It a-Vt nice Liza.' 'Just listen to reason if yon please, Bill,' raid the wife, coldly. ' Ton have spoilt tie shape of that foany hat aire? dy, and ae you're working coal all day at the wharf what caa a little extra coaldust in 5 our hat matter P' 'Yon don't see the point, L:z*/ explained WiHiain with dignitj. «I onl/ wear tbaß hat in the evening; and if while I'm out I take it cff my head it leaves a black band round my forehead, Wots ! the consequence ? Why, I of washing my face with my h*t on. And it ain't nice, Liza*}