Varieties.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 348, 8 January 1903, Page 7

Varieties.

STYLE. *£s£s FUNNY is told of a certain r ijjma) wealthy tradesman who, on remansion in an aristocratic neighbourhood and wr-) with his family commenced t cultiy ite social relationships with their stylish' neighbours. Unfortunately Jor their ambitions, the high-toned peop'o of the loyality proved to have the usial prejudices against trado, and Bnovrod' themselves' so very exclusive that aft.)r a series of snubs the newcomers could ondure it no longer, and determined to dispose of their residence and quit the neighbourhood. But the baffled tradesman did nob propose to go withou,-, leaving some mark of his resentment, aid a huge notice board erected at the gato sant a thrill of horror through the veins of all the blue-blooded residents in the neighbourhood. It bore the words: ' This desirable Residence to be Lat or Sold 5 suitable if or a Fever Hospital or High-class Laundry.' Ultimately, so the story runs, tha place was sold at a s ujrifico, the owner cheerfully foregoing- a portion of- its value oil condition that the house should, be exclusively used m a lunatic asylum! It has been a bitter pill to the tradesman's former neighbonrd. IN PORTSMOUTH HARBOUB. A steam-launch belonging to a battleship sprung a leak while crossing Portsmouth Harbour nnd rapidly sank. Near by an old salt was. leisurely rowing a boat, but he mado no attempt to come to the rescue.. The. launch's crew of three, however, managed to swim to the boat j and as they scrambled on board one said to the boatman, ' Why didn't you come and give us a hand ? Didn't you see we were sinking ?' ' Lor, bless yo,' said the boatman, I though yer craft was one o' thorn bloohiin' submarines.' COMMERCIAL TRAVELLERS, BE- ■ , WARE! Fastened to the door of a large boot warehouse in a Midland county is the following list of solemn 'warnings to travellers' : Knock twice at least. Chan your boots before entering. . . Dou't litter the warehousa with samples. Don't waste a moment. You have come to talk business, not polities. , So say what you have to say, and go. A young traveller, coming fa.ee to face with this awe-inspiring, notics, stood for several minutes outside, praying for courage to enter the dreaded chamber. But his shaking fingers pushed open t'ae door at last, and with bated breath ha tiptoed into the office. ~ Instantly there arose a shout of joy from a crowd of flushed and breathless clerks, who were hotly chasing a bundle of newspapers tightly bound together in the shape of a football. ' The saints be praised!' cried one of the * players,' seizing the timid traveller's hand in a grip that hurt. ' You couldn't havo come at a happier moment, old man. Shove your bag under the desk and keep goal for us. We're a man Bhort.'

CONDUCTOR'S MISTAKE. Among the passengers on a Glenside accommodation train the other afternoon was a very stout old woman. She occupied an entire seat, says the Philadelphia Telegraph, as she was so extensive of build that there; was hardly room beside her for the package of hooks and eyes and the three hatpins she cams down town to purchase. The woman looked perceptibly worried, and finally, when the train waa searing Eikins station, she leaned over and tapped the shoulder of a young man in the seat directly in front o£ her. 'Pardon me, young she said, 'but • will you tell ma the name of the next station ?' 'Eikins, ma'am.' 'When we get there,' sha continued, ' won't you kindly help me off the train P* The young man chivalrously expressed his willingness to do the woman the requested service, but be looked so surprised that she hastened to make an explanation,... ' I -wouldn't ask your assistance,- youag niaa,' she said, '■ but I tried t•> got off at Oak Lane, two stations back, and couldn't, You see, I am so stsufc that I am compelled to go down the. platform steps backward. - The conductor saw me, unfortunately, and, thinkingvf-om my position tuatl waa just boarding the train, helped me on again' . A COUNTRY BANK MANAGER. The visit of the examiner, or travelling inspector, to a bank is an event of importancej and, if there are any irregularities, -an- occasion' of anxiety as well. Strange subterfuges are occasionally diacovewßi, but it is not often tbat an examiner stumbles upon anything at once so irregular and so honestly intended as the custom discovered in a certain little American country bank. Upon making his visit the.examiner found a deficiency of one hundred dollars. Of course an explanation was demanded. After an attempt at looking wise, the cashier took one.hundred dollars from a private money-drawer. 'There, that will put It i right,' he remarked. ' How will, you enter. th at to make.good the balance P' asked the examiner. The cashier looked bewildered, but finally said he wouldn't ester it at all. 'You see,' he remarked, ' that drawer I just went to to make the balance is what we call the 'outs and overs' drawer. Whenever we're out of balance we go to ' out aud overs' to make things right." . Then,. again, when the she:.t showsjnbre cash than wa ought fa have.the surplus goes to fcha drawer. It's fuj,ny you have never thought of. that scheme.in any of the big'banks;' • '■-■ long.ca'ttle HORSS. . . . The headquarters of the National Live -.- Stock Asspcistiion,in the Quinsy building will' soon'have )»ung up an adornment , that will" bo 1 th.3 admiration of- every cattleman that drops in. : Recently there •arrived' 'from ' Chicago for President Springer as a gift from R >senb>vum Bro9. a pair |ofi horns; measuring ten feet from :. y tip to tig !; thatrwore onaa carried by.a, steerthatroiimed the graain*; pounds of. South Ameriba.,, This is-the largest, pair . of horns ever seoa, and. their '. approximate value'i3:£tdo: -' ''' '/' ' ' I "'. THE PO PULARITY OF PING-PONG. Birminghaoi niagisfcrates do not", view with favorer'the wholesale introduction, of v ping-pong'ftbie's into licer/sed 'houses and - * * ,refreshment" establishments, and it is ■.-. stated that at the next licensing sessions an announcement will be made that pisg;pongt jn fu%ureVwill be scheduled-along - ■ with billiards and bagatelle; and will require) a license. Amoag licensed '.:." victuallers in the Midlands the game -has.. attained a truly remarkable pbpularityi and for' the -time being' has put billiards , in, the back-ground. In.some ;r ~ the billiard-table has Been coaverted into a ping-pong table, bacauae the latter frame- ■ is more remunerative, ,