23 February 1868 Doonside My dear Donald I called at Clive and settled the a/c with the blacksmith and told him of the mistake. Also told Mr Williams about the ewes and he said they were all right except two or three that got into Mr Nelson's padock and they would be got home in a few days and said as he was responsible for them he would see them properly cared for. I also crossed the river and had a look at several places on the other side. Some of the places their look pritty fair notwithstanding the drought. I wish I could only get 200 acres there fenced in and I hope you will try and find out about that place you heard about and if it can be got at any reasonable rate with a secure title it would be plenty for me. Still I believe the best thing I can do is to attend to my old place and if nothing better turns out make the most of it for a time. I would like to have a look at Poverty Bay and if you are going there would like to have the trip down with you and see what it is like. Alex has been very sulky since his return. The reason is I believe that I found out about the order and stoped at first for a few days to see and get funds to meet it and as he took me by surprise saying it would be all right. When he came back I got it paid. I have always done all in my power for his benefit in many ways but I find all one does goes for [text obscured] and constrewed into other thoughts never intended. Indeed my place for many a day was any thing but comfortable and I find the more one tries to do the less he is thought about and I feel my possition now more than ever as age is coming on and I canot work now for myself as I have done for others. Still I was always able to keep others at work and still able to do that and if I cannot soon get something to do that way I will be most miserable and in fact had I not thought myself secure and safe where I was I might have got employment before this in conection with other people. The fact is my very brain is disturbed with the state of things and I would gladely do anything to get employment where I could depend on being paid. You know very well I worked hard for your interest which I considered my duty and you always hurt my feelings by saying I have worked on the interest of others. I think very few in my place would have done for the last five years without a sixpence only what I made of a few cows with hard labour and expence and now that door is shut I must see what way I am to do with the sheep so that I may get some of the wool money to keep me out of debt and pay my way. It is not much I require and I am certain if I had got a small place I would manage to live with comfort as long as I could pay my way. I am awair it is struggle with most people but industry always get it reward some time. I inclose receipt. Always your brother A J McLean