WHO’S A LIAR.

War Wit, Volume 1, Issue 8, 1 September 1941, Page 13

WHO’S A LIAR.

The boys were discussing the exploits of their fathers, uncles, etc., during the last war. “Did I ever tell you how me old man got the V.C.?” asked “Bluey.” “He was a sniper, he was. What he couldn’t do with' a .303 wasn’t anybody’s business. You. could roll a barrel down a hill and at 500 yards the old man would put a bullet through the bung-hole every times it come round. “Well, one day there was a Hun attack,. and the old boy was the only sniper left, and 300 Fritz’s were coming at him. “He shot and killed 298 of the cows when he found he haS only one bullet left with two Huns 300 yards away. *, ' * “He thrust the hilt of his bayonet in the ground'with the blade facing him and. retired 50 yards away. Taking careful aim at the edge of the bayonet he fired his last shot and killed the two Huns at 200 yards. “You see, when the bullet hit the bayonet it split in half, each half accounting for a man. * * * Mussolini is 57. It is to be hoped that there will be no more varieties of him.

Soldier Acquaintance was returning to camp when joined by another in uniform. “So you’ve been staying with the Blanks,” S.A. remarked. “What do you think of Jane Blank? We think.she’s such a silly ass!” The other looked S.A! straight in the face and replied in a voice of dangerous calm: “Silly ass, is she?” he said, “I haven’t found it out; I’ve only been married to her a month.” * * * Lord Trenchard, ex-Commis-sioner of the Metropolitan Police, said at a luncheon in London: “I was going down a street in London one day. There were no buses, no cars, no pedestrians. “When I got to the end a policeman saluted me and said: ‘You walked over a time bomb, sir.’ “I said, ‘Why didn’t you stop me “He replied: ‘Oh, we recognised you, sir’.” * * * Mrs. Good-works was eager to sell, something to her customer at the Jumble Sale in aid of the Comforts Fund. “Here!” she said brightly, picking up the first xthing that came to her hand from among a variety of goods on a shelf. “What’s this! a . tin of talc. With a pretty-little blue bird on the tin too. Now isn’t that nice! That’s the very thing for you.” j Her customer, with a little smile, refused the offer and left the shop. Only then did Mrs. Good-work look at the inscription on the tin. It read “For vermin and insects on birdsdust lightly under the bird’s wing.”—Ah-la. * ■..«* * Hitler says he is Ireland’s friend. Are the Irish green enough to believe that?

Two neighbours were in a shelter while an enemy ’plane was droning overhead. / Said one of them: “Good gracious, my wife is still in bed. I forgot to wake her.” “Don’t worry/’ said the other, “let her sleep, if she can.” Sleep said the first man. “You don’t know my wife; if a bomb ,drops on her she’ll nag me about it for months.” ** . *

“Hadn’t you better go and tell you boss?” said the motorist to the farmer’s boy who stood looking at the load of hay which had been upset in the collision. “He knows,” replied the boy. “How can he know?” asked the motorist. “He’s under the hay,” explained the boy. * * * When .it comes to white bread the vitamins are out on their own. * * * . r . Is France hoist with her own Petain ? . '

The nervous girl went straight to the doctor as she boarded the cruising liner and said If I should feel sick, doctor, will you tell me what to do? M| It isn’t necessary, he replied, you’ll do it! * * ♦ “Does that mule ever kick you?” the young officer asked a negro mule-driyer. “No, suh” ws the reply, “he ain’t yet, but he frequently kicks the place whar I recently was.” ■* ♦ * “I got the socks all right’.’’ .wrote the soldier to his sweetheart, “but I love you just the same.” * * * The captain of a sailing vessel was questioning a new hand regarding his knowledge of ships and the sea. After repeatedly receiving wrong answers, he asked, in exasperation: “Hang it all, man, tell me this: ‘Where’s the mizzen mast?’ ”

“I don’t know,” replied the aspiring seaman. “How long has it been mizzen?” . * * * Housewife: “I don’t suppose you know what good, honest work is? Tramp: “No, lady; what good is it?” ; * * * A preacher walked into a saloon, ordered milk and was served a milk punch. ' After drinking it, the holy man lifted his eyes to heaven and was heard to say, “0 Lord, what a cow!” * * * Cable heading: “ ‘U.S.A. Mightiest Power on Earth,’ says Colonel Knox.” That Knox ’em! * * . * - Hess is-not so very German after all; He was born in Egypt, and can claim Scotch descent.

“Albo”: A war-phrase came in aptly in evidence in a domestic brawl aired in a suburban court. Charged with wife-assault, a husband admitted that he had put his wife across his knee and spanked her with a slipper. She had started the row, he said, and, in bad temper, had begun to break crockery; his had been a calm, judiciously administered chastisement to show that she could not behave like that, indignant wife and equally angry mother testified that he was “boiling with rage,” and, apart from the humiliating chastisement, he had . pounded his wife promsicuously. Rather courageously the wife’s father gave evidence favouring son-,in-law’s version. The magistrate asked if the defendant had hit his spouse about the head. “No sir,” said the old chap with a grin; “the slipper always fell in the target area.” *. * * / X A father complained in a juvenile court that his son had hit him over the head with a violin he had bought the boy to practise on. That was quite ‘ bad enough, no doubt, but some youngsters do even worse —they practise the violin. ** < * A specially constructed drill which could be operated in silence was found on a burglar arrested, in London. The thoughtfulness of burglars in not wanting to disturb the householder is, of course, well known.; . ■ * * * For five or six days'he had been digging in the garden for an airraid shelter. What with the rain and the clay he was not in the best of tempers. Suddenly an old friend looked over the wall. “Digging your shelter?” asked the friend. ' “No,” returned the digger; “as a matter of fact I bought a swing for the children and the ropes are too long.”

A notice at an office in a military establishment lin Scotland, where, civilian callers sometimes cause a draught, reads: “This is a free country. “You may open or shut your eyes, ears, or mouth as you please. “But Keep This Door Shut.” * * * “For those born on the 13th, 14th, 17th, and 29th of the month,” runs an astrological article. Good heavens! Surely once is enough?

There was a dense fog and the officer on the bridge was becoming more and more exasperated. As he leaned over the side of the bridge, trying to pierce the gloom, he saw a hazy figure leaning on a rail a few yards from his /ship. He almost choked. “What do you think you’re doing with your blinking ship?” he roared. “Don’t you know the rules of the road?” . . “This ain’t no blinking ship, guv’nor,” said a quiet voice, “this ’ere’s a , lighthouse

An old gentleman riding the top of a Fifth Avenue ’bus noticed that every few minutes the conductor would come from the back and dangle a piece of string down before the driver underneath. Whereupon the driver would utter profanity terrible to hear. Finally the old gentleman could stand it no longer, so he asked the conductor why he dangled the string and why the driver swore so. The conductor naively answered, “Oh, his father is to. be hung to-morrow, and I’m just kidding him a little bit about it.” * * * “Mister, why is a ship called a she?” “ ’Cause her riggin’ costs more than her hull.” * * * - An ash-tray is something to put cigarette butts in when the room hasn’t a floor. * * * “There’s an unexplxoded bomb buried here,” said the A.R.P. chief, as he posted a warden. “Just keep an eye on things and blow your whistle if anything happens.” “0.K.,” replied the warden. “But do I blow it going up or coming "down?” * * * A dietician regrets that only about half the British public is onion-conscious.' We don’t see it. If half of them are, most of the other half must be.