ITALY LOOKS AHEAD.

War Wit, Volume 1, Issue 5, 1 June 1941, Page 11

ITALY LOOKS AHEAD.

From neutral sources comes the story of two Italians who met in the street. - “How's business?” asked the first. Very much better,” was the reply. “Better exclaimed the other incredulously. “Yes, very much better than next year.” They know Everything’s going to the “D(e)uce.” * , * *

The butler telephoned his master to inform him that his house was on fire. “Great heavens!” cried the voice at the end ,of the line, “Is my wife safe?” ' “Yes, sir,” replied the butler, “she was among the first to get out.” “And the children?” “Yes, sir, all safe,” was the reassuring reply. “And what about my mother-in-law?” “That’s what I want to speak to you about sir. Your mother-in-law ; is asleep on the third floor, and, knowing your regard for her comfort, I wasn’t sure whether I ought to disturb her or not, sir.” _ * ‘ * * ■ . ' Lucky for democracy that Churchill and Roosevelt see aye to aye. ‘ '

The vicar was having a serious chat with one of his flock about her son. “Tom needs educating, Mrs. Jones,” he said: “it is very important. I had to pinch like anything to send my sons to college, but it was worth it.” “Maybe,” replied Mrs. Jones, “but my husband’s too afraid of the law to do anything like that.” * sf: * ' - ... ? Visiting her brother in camp, and startled by the unexpected firing of a rifle, she screamed and stepped backwards , into the arms of a surprised young man. “Oh,” she apologised, “I beg your pardon. I was frightened by the rifle.” “Not at all,” replied the . young man. “Let’s go over and watch the artillery.” ❖ * ❖ f' ■ The customer was dissatisfied with the quality? of the milk. “It can’t be helped,” said the milkman. “It’s due to the shortage of grass. Why, the cows are so upset about it that I’ve seen them crying because they can’t do themselves credit.” . “Well, perhaps so,” said the customer, wearily, “but you might try to prevent them dropping their tears into our bottle.” * * * ' / A new version of the Trafalgar signal as a Government official of to-day would write it. “England anticipates that, as regards the current emergency, personnel will face up to the issues and exercise appropriately the functions allocated to their respective occupation-groups. ** ' * ■ ■ . . ■ Britain’s greatest liquid asset The Channel. * * * The murderers’ ax-is. •.-J-.?’* • ’ y”.

It was a dramatic moment ip the play when, with fiery denunciation, the hard-hearted father was about to thrust his erring daughter out of the house for ever. “What can I do? Where can I go?” sobbed the girl. There was a tense silence. Then, amid the sobs, rose the shrill voice of a woman in the gallery: “Never mind luv. You come ’ome with me!” * * * A young man in khaki was piling sandbags round a section .of the barracks when an onlooker asked: “Why the corner only?” “Ssh,” said the man in khaki, “this is where the canteen is.” * * ♦ Little Edna: “Why wouldn’ it do to pray for our bread once a week or once a month? Why must we ask every day for our daily bread? Older sister: “So as to have it fresh.” * * * Grandpa was having his afterlunch sleep in the armchair ♦ and emitting sound that might easily have come from a cross-cut saw. As father entered the room, he saw little Billy twisting one of grandpa’s waistcoat buttons. “What are you doing?” he . whispered. “You mustn’t disturb grand-

pa, Billy.” “I’m not disturbing, him, daddy,” explained the child, “I was just trying to tune him in on another station.” * * * Woman’s Paper: “You can get a wife in Papua for £6.” In N.Z. they can be had for the asking. * * * . Hitler stands on the shores of the English Channel and wishes he could put something across. * * * Ar America makes her sympathies plane.

An A.R.P. warden was rescuing a man from the debris of a bombed buiding. As the victim was extricated, he said: “For heaven’s sake, give me a drink!” The warden was a pian of the Claude Dampier type with a vacant expression, protruding teeth, and the very belt intentions. He fumbled in his pockets and brought out a parcel. “I haven’t got a drink on me,” he said apologetically, “but here are some nice cheese sandwiches.” * * *

An A.R.P. warden was giving his household an elementary lecture in case of air raids. Afterwards he said to the young maid: “Is it all quite clear, Mary, what you have to do in case an incendiary bomb falls?” “Yes, sir,” she replied, but rather doubtfully, “but it’s going to be a sticky business using that syrup pump.” * * * Mussolini’s African Empire is a going concern.

A Londoner was walking in the black-out through a heavy barrage the other night when something whizzed down and struck the road behind him. He stopped and seeing a cylindrical object on the asphalt, ran No explosion followed, so he returned cautiously, and this time any doubts he may have had were set at rest. From the cylindrical object came a hissing sound, and in the light of the gun flashes he could make out a thin column of vapour rising in the air. The man arrived at his home nearby out of breath and had an anxious night waiting for the ■ burst. But no explosion followed. In the early dawn, going out to . investigate again, he found that 1 the “bomb” was his own vacuum | flask. This had sipped out of his overI coat pocket as he ducked to avoid I a piece of A.A. shell. The hissing I sound was caused by the escaping I steam from the coffee, the cork | having worked loose.

A German plane had been shot p down and the pilot, who baled out, reached terra firma badly wounded. He received due care and attention at the local hospital, - and the doctor finally said: — T “There now, you’re all right. You’ll be a better man than ever you were before.” “How is that?” asked Fritz. “Because, my lad,” said the surgeon, slapping him heartily on the back, “I’ve pumped a pint of good Jewish blood into you.” *X * * / ; “If Germany becomes a Monarchy, who would fill the throne?” asks a writer. King Hermann, I f —easily. sjs ■. . ■■■'•AS Maybe the ex-umbrella mender in Cabinet will insist on local para-chute-makers getting an opening.