VAMOOSED

War Wit, Volume 1, Issue 5, 1 June 1941, Page 4

VAMOOSED

Q. Will you let me have two menreliable —this morning? R. (affectionately): Sure you shall have the cream of the regiment. Q.M.S.: Yeah—like the last pair —vanishing cream. *. * * “All you can eat for half a crown.” The proprietor of a restaurant which makes this offer was congratulating himself on a plan which attracts good custom when in walked a Sergeant over six feet tall and weighing about eighteen stone, and settled himself for’ a comfortable meal. After he had finished the official count was handed to the proprietor by a grim-faced waiter. It read: “Four fruit cocktails, eight veal cutlets, five portions of potatoes, two portions of beef, six icecreams, two tomato salads,. five portions of ham.” As the patron left the proprietor smiled undaunted. “Come and have a proper meal some time,” he said. * * * There is a disturbing rumour that people who have given up whisky for the duration will shortly be - saving even more money by having adopted this course. * * * ■■■■■■ ■ ' ■ . “And now,” said the dear old lady, who after great difficulty had been fitted with her respirator, “where do I get the gas ■ * * * Sailors helped to repair the pavement in an English town after a bomb explosion. Jack tars. ** * ■ Bomb-proof shelters < should be something concrete. '

There had been a bad raid the Kxght before, and the vicar was out viewing the damage. ; “It is very sad, indeed,” he said to a local “character.” “Just look at the number of churches which are being destroyed.” “Ay,” said the other. “And just think of the pubs that are being destroyed that’s much worse!” The vicar drew himself up. “I don’t.think'l want to discuss that — ” he began coldly. “Well,” said the “character,” “you can get a service over the wireless, but I’ll be hanged if you can get a pint!” < * * * It happened that two separate Army wedding receptions were given at the same time in a West End hotel in adjoining rooms, and this led to confusion, as some of the guests got. into the 1 wrong room. At length it was decided to make one party of the two. A little later a waiter approached an officer who was standing against the wall in a semi-dazed condition, and offered : him champagne. “No thank you,” he replied, “I’m not feeling very well. In fact, I can see two brides already.”

Officer: How long did it take you to learn to drive a motor-car? Private: Oh, three or four. Officer: Weeks? Private: No, —motor cars! * * * Employer (interviewing applicant for job) : Know anything about electricity? » “Yessir.” “What’s an armature?” “A chap who boxes for nothin’!” * * * . / ■ “How,” asked the officer on the rifle range, “did you get those four straight hits? Your range is 600 yards, but your sight is set at 300.” ./.Said the young militiaman: “See that little rock halfway along? Well, I’m bouncing ’em off that.” * * *

The mouth-organ was . claimed by three soldiers and the sergeant decided to arbitrate. “I’ll play a tune on it,” he said. “You tell me what the tune is, and the one who’s right gets the mouthorgan.” A weird medley of sounds followed, and guesses were made. “I think Bert’s won,” said the sergeant. “He was nearest with ‘Roll out the Barrel.’ What I was playing was ‘As .Pants the Hart for Coolin’ Streams’!” ■ * Some Jerry planes were overhead, and the sirens had sounded. A figure strolled carelessly down the main street of the country town. An A.R.P. warden called out to him, “Take cover! Can’t you hear those sirens?” ' “Yes, I heerd ’un,” he replied, placidly, “but these sirens ’ere ain’t nuthin’ to me, I’m ony ’ere for the market. I’ lives over at Slocomb, and them’s the sirens I ’as to listen mnHHHHEBBHBRBH

Waiter: What about a chop, sir? Colonel: I never eat chops. Waiter: In that case, sir, dinner is over. x ' ■ * * * A member of a ladies aid society in a small town went to the bank to deposit, as she told the bank clerk, “some aid money.” 'Unfortunately the clerk thought she said “egg money” and replied “Remarkable, isn’t it how well the old hens are doing these days?” And even now he doesn’t know why he received an icy look as the good lady swept out of the bank. * * * • Tobacco shortage enables us to know what Shakespeare meant by the piping times of peace. * * * In this tug-of-war Mussolini has the rope round his neck. * * * News item: “President Roosevelt says he hopes to visit Australia after the war.” We don’t care how soon he' arrives. .

Colonel was very insistent that the traditions of his unit should be maintained. Certain things were done, others definitely were not; and every new officer was given an interview with the old man himself. At those interviews, the honour of the regiment was stressed, and the colonel outlined his policy and suggested what the officer, should do. He was interviewing a reinforcement subaltern, rather a meek youngster. ■ “I should - like you to grow a moustache,” said the colonel. “I like all my officers to have moustaches, but they must be good; none of these five-a-side things, or anything like Hitler’s.” “Yes, Sir,” said the subaltern. He paused and asked, “Any particular colour, Sir?” * * * Trinder was not the brightest man in the A.1.F., but he was the first soldier admitted to the hospital in his home town. Reason for his spell in hospital was that he caught a bad cold on leave,, and his mother, fearing he might get pneumonia or something, sent for the doctor, who decided Trinder needed the best possible care. Whole of the hospital’s small staff was thrilled to have Trinder there, and they waited on him hand and foot. One of the nurses took him a liberal serving of Yorkshire pudding for dinner. “Here you are,” she said. “This will shift your cold.” Then she left him. About half an hour later she looked in to see how the patient was faring. “How are you feeling now?” she asked. “Have you eaten it all up” ' “Eaten it,” gasped Trinder. Why, I’m wearing it on my chest.” ■** * , More than ever, Italy can boast of her undersea fleet.

The sergeant was instructing a squad of recruits in the intricacies of funeral drill. He reached the part where the firing party lined the graveside and commented thus:— “And then you don’t ’ave to look forlorn, j and you don’t ’ave to bloomingwell cheer. You maintains an ’appy but sorrowful countenance, ’appy that he’s gorn to a better land, but sorry that he’s ’opped it without paying his mess bills.”

Corporal: Please, sir, I think somebody wants you on the telephone. Colonel: Now, what is the use of saying you think I am wanted. Am I wanted or not? “Well, sir, somebody rang up and said: Ts that you, you old idiot’? * * * The new King of Spain is evidently a bit of a lad. In fact he’s a regular Don Juan.

When his ship was torpedoed Pat was seen to dive into the sea and swim swiftly to an island. He landed, but immediately plunged into the sea again, and returning to the ship assisted in no small way in rescuing passengers as it sank. When all were landed Pat was congratulated. “But why, Pat, did you first swim to the island” he was asked. “Shure, and I had to save my own life before I could save the others,” said Pat. * * * Back in billets, some of the boys had arranged a’party, and invited the lads from another battalion to join them. Private Smith was giving the guests instructions how to reach the place. “When you get there,” he said, “walk upstairs and ring the bell with your elbow, and we’ll let you in.” “But why ring the bell with your elbow” asked one of them. “Blimey,” said Smith, “you don’t •• mean to say you’re coming emptyhanded.” * * * An alibi from Oklahoma. Two negroes were charged with swimming naked in a lake in one of the municipal parks. Their reply was curt, clear and complete. “We weren’t the people who were swimming. “If we were swimming, • we couldn’t be seen, because the alleged offence occurred at ninethirty on a moonless night. “It was nd offence, because we were wearing black bathing costumes. “We can’t swim.” * * * After studying the scene of hostilities in Greece, we note that there is a river there called the Aspro. It should be regarded as a national asset.

“Yes,” said the little man in the corner of the carriage, “a friend of mine with a cousin at the War Office told me all about Hitler’s secret weapon.” “What is it?” asked several of his audience, vastly intrigued. “Well,” said the little man, “he’s going to make a new pact with someone. Then he’s going to stick to his word and observe the pact and the shock will kill all his enemies!” * * * . “It’s a dreary place this,” said one soldier stationed in a provincial town to another, “the only-sign of life is smoke issuing from the crematorium chimney.” * * *' The Colonel was very fond of a game of golf, but unfortunately his skill was not as great as his enthusiasm. He was just coming to play his tenth stroke between holes very much in the rough, when he turned angrily to his caddie. “Look here,” he exclaimed, “why do you keep looking at your watch?” The caddie grinned. “It ain’t a watch, sir, it’s a compass.” A typical' example of the unconquerable Cockney spirit: A famous city tavern, windows shattered, has the following notice posted up where the windows once stood “Open as > usual.” The little tea-shop next door, windows also shattered, has gone one better, and announces cheerily: “More open than usual.” *.* ' * - Seen on an Australian billet in Bardia: “Mussolini doesn’t Libya now.” * * * Hitler was 52 this week. Crime marches ON!

The following is an extract from a letter written by an “evacuated” London schoolteacher: “My children . . . are wild little creatures, 80; per cent, of whom have been through the Battle of -London up to date. But they havethe Cockney air of defiance. Yesterday we came across the line, ‘Oh, to be in England!’ I waited for someone to go on, but/no sign. Then I said, ‘That is the first line of a famous poem. Do you know who wrote it ‘Hitler!’ someone shouted. There was a wild yell of joy from the whole room.” * r * *

Two M.O.’s had been discussing the effect colour had on the human brain. Sometimes it soothed, often it irritated, occasionally it roused temper. “I have heard,” remarked the first - M.O. “that colour-blind people seldom lost their tempers.” “Quite true,” grinned the second M. 0., “They are unable to see red.”

The Colonel staggered into the hotel lobby and reeled' up to the desk, clerk. “I want what I want,” he asserted, “an’ no argumentsh!” ''V “Very good, sir,’ ’said the clerk, “What did you wish, sir?” The stew waved a hand. “I want a room on the sixth floor,” he demanded. “An’ another room, right across the hall from the first room.’’ “That’s odd!” cried the amazed clerk. “Why do you want two rooms, one across the corridor from the other?” The colonel slapped the desk. “Because,’ ’he hiccoughed, “in case anything happensh, I wanna be near myself!” * * * - SHS A modern young lady found herself for the weekend wth a notorously strait-laced country family in England. Fearing that the pyjamas she wore might be considered; improper, she carefully hid them; every morning when she got up. But one morning at breakfast, she • suddenly realised she had forgotten them, that they were lying brazenly on her bed. Excusing herself, she rushed to her room. The pyjamas had dsappeared. While she was feverishly hunting for them, looking vainly through closets and drawers, a dour, elderly maid appeared and surveyed the scene. “If it’s the pyjamas you’re looking for, Miss,” she said, “I put them back in the young gentleman’s room.” * * » a An American visitor states that N.Z. possesses a remarkable number of pretty girls. A land flow ing with milk and Honies. . * * * Darlan’s threat would suggest that 50,000 Frenchmen can be wronged.

. The boy in the R.N.R. was determined'to give away no secrets belonging to the British Navy, even to his best girl. '. ‘ ; To her question: “What do you do on board?” he replied, “Wash down the decks,” and to the next question, “What do you do after that?” he was ready with “Oh, I clean the brasswork.” But when she persisted, “And after that?” he was nearly stumped.” ' “Then,” he said haltingly, “then well, I sweep the horizon.” « ’ .. f ** * • From somewhere in England comes the story of two rather elderly Home Guards who were marching abreast, followed by their new corporal. “Now then,” snapped the corporal, very conscious of his two stripes “one of you is out of step!” “Aye, aye,” repied one of the men, “but I’m sure you don’t know which one!” * * ♦ “A high military officers journeyed all the way to Auburn to have a sit tailored.” —“The Express,” Lidcombe, N.S.W. ;

A young Polish pilot attached to the R.A.F. wished to send a message of good will to a friend in a squadron detailed for a special job. The message he wanted to give was “God preserve you” but not knowing how to express it in English, he consulted a Polish-English dictionary. That dictionary gave him the choice of two words — “preserve” and “pickle.” . He chose the wrong one. * * * . A school teacher was inculcating principles of morality and religion in the minds of her young charges and said: “Now children, if you do right always you will 7 each have a gold crown to wear some day. Just think of that?’ “Yes” said a young Jewish pupil, “my father always does right, and he has a gold crown.” “He has?” asked the teacher. “I know your father well, but I never saw him wearing a crown of gold.” “Oh, no” was the answer, “he doesn’t vear it on his head — he vears it on his tooth!” * * * Statue of Liberty: ■ Lend and Lease Bill.

TRUSTWORTHINESS. The little Lancashire evacuees were discussing the merits of their mayors. “We’ve got a real proper mayor, we ’ave, in our town,” said one. “So ha’ we!” retorted the other. “Aye, but ours has a collar and a chain. ’As yourn?” “No. We can trust our chap. We let him go about loose.” ❖ * * Ex-King Carol, we read left his Madrid hotel without paying his bill. The hotelkeeper certainly knew it was’nt Christmas. *' * * . Cheerful Patient (looking up from his periodical in dentist’s waiting room) : Well, we seem to, be winning the war all right. But I say, who is this bloke Kruger? * * * “Do you know, who I am?” shouted the irate' general to the Australian who had neglected to salute him. “Do you know who I am?” he persisted, as the soldier looked blankly at; him. “Here boys,” said the Australian turning to his friends. “Here’s something good. A general who doesn’t /known his own name!” * * * When a warship’s in port the sailor’s slogan reverses the motorcar salesman’s. Instead of so many miles to the gal., it’s so many gals to the mile. * * * zTeacher: Now spell “straight.” Small Pupil: S-t-r-a-i-g-h-t. Teacher: Correct! Now what does it mean? Small Pupil: Without water! ♦ * * Looks as though Hitler is about to cook his gooseflesh in Greece. • •• ♦

An elderly lady had been to hear her nephew for the first time, and she thought it a very poor sermon. Later that day she asked: “James, why did you enter the ministry?” . “Because I was called,” he answered. “James,” said the old lady anxiously, looking solemnly at him, “are you sure it wasn’t some other noise you heard?” .$» * * * In the early part of the aerial “blitz,” when daylight raids were taken more or less seriously, a young man and a pretty girl took refuge in a gloomy public shelter. After three-quarters of an hour or so, the couple came back into the daylight on hearing the “all clear.” “Do you know, darling,” the young man whispered tenderly, “if I’d known we were going to be so long down there in the dark I’d have kissed you.” The girl raised a surprised face to his. “Oh, wasn’t it you?” she remarked casually. * * * X. An Armed Forces Appeal Board, considering the case of an employee in a corset factory, strayed off into the question of whether or not fairies wore corsets. One member suggested that corsets would be very cumbersome to fairies during their gambols. Perhaps he contused Titan and Titania. *. * * Instructing a parade of the Women’s War Service Auxiliary in a New Zealand city, the other evening, a male sergeant-major ordered the trainees to put thumbs, to the seams of their trousers when they were standing at attention. Blissful man! ♦'* * y Uncle Sam, the new warder of the East.