ORIENTAL ORIGIN of the COCTAIL

Cue (NZERS), Issue 13, 15 December 1944, Page 1

ORIENTAL ORIGIN of the COCTAIL

A LEARNED discourse on the beginnings of man’s greatest solace delivered by the venerable Professor Salamander (whom God preserve) as the result of many years study and research at the University of Hop Hed, The King’s Head, The Railway, and many other public institutions.

Z? OCKTAILS were first discovered by the scholar, Pak a’Poo, in the reign of the mighty Emperor, Wang Spam, in * the Had’lt Dynasty. It would seem that the scholar, Pak a’Poo, was pouring soya bean alcohol into a goblet of exquisite jade when the Goddess of the Thousand Earholes appeared to him in a vision.

She bore in her hands a spray of juniper berries and, as Pak a’Poo was about to clutch her somewhat ethereal robes, she bade him pause and squeeze some of the berry juice into the goblet, together with five drops of lamp-oil. This he did.

Visions, to which the ' erudite Pak

a’Poo was greatly subject, invariably made him thirsty and he quaffed- the potion at a draught. At first he thought it had been a demon in the guise of the Goddess who had appeared before him, and had prescribed molten fire for his further purification. For ? was not the evil spirit, How Plonk,' ever on the watch for such opportunities ? But after a few seconds a sensation of sheer ecstasy came upon him and he fell swooning to the floor, screaming the delights he was experiencing. When he had been sufficiently revived by his admiring pupils, Pak a’Poo repaired swiftly to the Palace and presented his new drink to the

Emperor, Wang Spam, who at once sank two quarts and presented Pak a’Poo with a bag of gold. After the Emperor had disposed of the second

two quarts, he promoted the savant to Chancellor. * * * ¥ The next day, however, after a long night of libation to the Goddess of the Thousand Earholes, the Emperor cancelled all his audiences and caused Pak a’Poo to be impaled on the hook. Since those days people have learned to partake of the Goddess’s beverage with more discretion —or have they ? The custom of cocktail feasts, on the other hand, has persisted down the ages, and they can be extremely pleasant gatherings. All that is required is a small room with a low ceiling. Few chairs are necessary for the guests will remain standing at first. Later they will prefer to lie down and will not care greatly where they lie.

Concerning the company, it is as well to have a judicious mixture of friends, enemies and concubines. The conversation should be loud and continuous and on no account should be intelligible to anyone. Blunt instruments and hob-nailed boots should be

collected at the door as an elementary precautionary measure and guests should be urged to refrain, as far as is humanly t possible, from using shattered glasses to emphasise points in the discussions. - . * « « * ■ • • ■ •- . « An early cocktail festival is celebrated by the poet, Hu Flung Wot in his famous poem, At The Sign Of The Buxom Bint, while the beloved chronicler, Tu Up, gives a charming account of the celebrations during the reign of the Emperor, Hang It:— «The guests come, all bringing their pet crickets in little porcelain cages, while small dragons, born and bred in captivity, nuzzle affectionately at their heels. A ’ time-honoured jest is to get the dragons drunk and put them down the concubines’ necks. This. tradi-

tional jape always puts the guests in a merry mood. The noise made by the dragons is called g’in. The > noise made by the j concubines is O called d’in.» if, •¥» The epicure, Bhangcrack, has left a book of lavish details for the conduct of cocktail feasts. His exposition on the rival merits of fishmongers and undertaker’s ice is no less than masterly. With his suggestions as.to the arrangements of the room he finishes on this charming note: — « Trained butterflies should circle * about the heads of the guests. If there are not any at the moment " there soon will be if the feast is ' J conducted in the correct ritual. These insects may, in turn, be pursued by small birds.» x As a reward for labours on this monumental work, the Emperor Yu ' bestowed a dragon of beauteous coio <

* —X. and attire upon Bhangcrack This creature was rare indeed; so rare thatonly the Emperor and Bhangcrack could see it—and even then only after many days of cocktail feasting.

However, the sublimity of perceiv-

ing dragons after a cocktail feast is regarded with disfavour" in the West. This is stupid. Occidentals will never attain such perfection in the art of living as did these • ancients who laid the very foundation stones of human civilisation.