COACHING Christmases

Cue (NZERS), Issue 13, 15 December 1944, Page 22

COACHING Christmases

IT seems a pity to shatter any fond illusions at this season of cheer, goodwill and shells, but the myth of jovial coach journeys in the depths of an English winter belonged only in the imagination of the more sentimental Victorian authors. Unfortunately, Charles Dickens did much to foster the deception—but much may be forgiven him.

Stated bluntly, early nineteenth century coach . travel could only be described as an endurance test that might well have blanched the cheeks of any commando. So far from inducing any joviality in the breasts of the intrepid passengers, the rigours of the journey usually reduced them to a state of surly hostility against each other and the world in general. The driver, more often than not, was an old curmudgeon who regarded all passengers with silent hate —but a hate which became vociferous if he did not receive the tip he demanded at the frequent stops for a change of drivers.

Long coach journeys to and from London nearly always started at five or six in the morning. And in winter time it was no joke to turn out in the darkness and bitter cold with a prospect of twenty hours of misery before one. The average rate of progress in these vehicles was ten miles an hour. Those inside would be half stifled with the windows tightly shut and the smell of damp, mouldy straw which the coaching companies tossed inside in the Action it would keep their passengers* feet warm. True, those outside had fresh air and plenty of it, but as they were . gradually frozen . into rigid immobility, they were not as appreciative of the situation as they might have been.

,Not infrequently a semi-comatose passenger would be hurled from his precarious eyrie bn top of the coach

by reason of a spring system of the most primitive sort and the appalling jolting on the disastrous roads.. The alleged guard-rail to which the unfortunate passenger was supposed to cling was totally inadequate for the job. Altogether, outside travelling was viewed with trepidation by all but the young and agile.

Ye Olde English Cooking usually associated with the coaching inns of fiction was, in fact, all that Continental visitors have accused English cooking of since time immemorial. A laconic reference is made in the Sporting Magazine of just over a hundred years ago to « . . . the usual coach dinner—-

coarse, fat, leg of mutton, underdone; potatoes, hot without and hard within, gritty cabbage, and hot-water soup.»

Those rare coaching inns which did supply good food made sure that the traveller had little of it. Such landlords of those days worked a pretty

racket with the coach proprietors concerning the time permitted for meals. Twenty minutes was allowed for dinner and not a minute more. Net result was that the hapless passenger found himself confronted with inexplicable delays in the dining room and considered himself lucky if he was left enough time to get beyond the soup. The : coach-guard too, helped : things along by bawling. Time’s up considerably -before the authorised twenty minutes, for which service he was compensated by free, rum and hot water, i

Floods, ; broken equipment, act of God, King’s enemies, thieves, cutpurses, and general inefficiency were considered normal hazards of a coach journey of any distance. The Christmas, season added to these in that the coachman was usually drunk and ended by tipping his unwilling cargo into the ditch— or as one instance is recorded, even bemusedly pulling . his horses round and proceeding blithely in

the opposite direction, despite the curses and entreaties of his passengers. The seasons in England appear to have changed slightly since the early nineteenth century, and heavy snow at Christmas time was more the rule than the exception. A snowed-up coach might look most picturesque and jolly on a Christmas card. But in actual life it was a dangerous predicament for the occupants. The freezing hours spent waiting for assistance to be dug out often led to serious illnesses, and sometimes death.

. To travel on a mail-coach was even worse, for the guard’s one and only consideration was the mails —the passengers had to shift for themselves as best they might. Mail-coach drivers, in their zeal for the prompt delivery of their mails, often tried to push on in weather that was quite impossible, occasionally with fatal results to all on board. V . - : •

\ Guards of coaches passing through towns and villages set up a shocking clamour on their posting-horns. Few could play them properly and when a number of coaches were moving -in a town at the same time each guard vied with the other on the amount of noise he could make. There were, however, certain recognised coaching tunes and to hear them all played together was enough to shatter the nerves of the strongest. Villagers „ were invariably rudely awakened on the passage of a coach at night. '

Jolly coaching Christmases of the Christmas card, and of novels, are just so much humbug.