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New Zealand Tablet, 30 March 1922, Page 46

HIS PLEASANT PASTIME. “I called on Pilkington this evening,” said Mr. Dowson. “Did you have a pleasant time?” inquired his wife. “Very. Pilkington was beating his wife when I went in.” “What?” “I say Pilkington was beating his wife- but of course ho stopped when he saw me.” “Well, I should hope so!” “I begged him to go on, but he said some other time would do just as well.” “You begged him to go on!” “Why, yes; I didn’t want to spoil the fun, you know “Oh, you brute! Do you mean to say that you could have looked on calmly while he beat his wife?” “Certainly! Why not?” “I thought you had a spark of manhood left! I suppose you will bo beating mo next?” “Yes, I think I could if you’d play cards with me.” “Play cards !” “Yes; that’s what Pilkington and his wife were doing!’ «X~X*X*X*X> ' SMILE RAISERS. “Willie,” said that infant’s mother, agitated by the sudden appearance of a rich relative, “kiss your Uncle John and then go and wash your face at once.” ¥ Two men walked into Westminster Abbey, and one of them listened, enraptured, to the strains of the organ. “That’s Handel,” he murmured. “He plays very well,” returned the other, politely. Parker: “What’s wrong? You look worried.” Streeter; “I am. I wrote two notes one to my broker asking him if he took me for a fool, and the other to Miss Golding asking her if she would marry me. While I was out somebody telephoned 1 Yes,’ and I don’t know which of them it was !” sp A man overtaking two friends heard his own name mentioned and asked what it was they were saying of him. “Well,” answered one, “to tell the truth, we were disputing as to whether you are a fool or a rogue.” Taking an arm of each ho said; “I think I can best settle thatl am something between the two.” ’ ¥ There are twelve parishes in England bearing the name of Whitchurch, a fact which gave rise to the following conversational twist “I believe you know Whitchurch,” remarked a parishioner to the new vicar. “I was married there.” “Indeed,” said the vicar. “At which church at which Whitchurch?” sp “Fore!” shouted the golfer, preparing for a big swipe. But the woman who was crossing the links paid no attention. “Fore!” yelled the man with the clubs, angrily. Still she took no notice. “Try her with three-and-eleven,” suggested a friend. “Perhaps she’s one of those bargain-hunters.” * In an East African district a doctor acts as understudy to the magistrate. Recently, when each was conscious of having broken the law by riding at night without a light, they agreed that the majesty of the law would best be vindicated by each appearing before the other. The magistrate, taking precedence, tried the doctor and fined him five pounds. Then the doctor tried the magistrate/ and fined him twenty pounds, justifying his severity by pointing out that since this was the second case that day, obviously the offence was becoming far too common. PILES Can be instantly relieved and quickly cured by the use of BAXTER’S PILE OINTMENT. This excellent remedy has been a boon to hundreds of sufferers all over New Zealand. Sent post free on receipt of 2/6 in stamps or postal notes by WALTER BAXTER : : CHEMIST, TIMARU.