SMILE RAISERS.

New Zealand Tablet, 13 June 1918, Page 46

SMILE RAISERS.

Master (to new cook): “We want you to show what you can do to-night, Jane. We have some rather special people coming for a musical evening. Do your very best, you know.” • Cook: "Sure, sir, that I will. It’s a long time since I did any singing ; but you can put me down for a couple of comic songs, if you like.” "I love you very much, papa,’’ said four-year-old Edna, as she climbed on her father’s knee. ‘‘l love you, dear, when you are a good girl," replied her father. "But, papa," said Edna, "1 love you even when you ain’t no good." Tommy: "Half of ’em we got with machine-gun fire, half of ’em with the rifle, then we fixed bayonets and killed another half of ’em!” Funny Man: "And what happened to the rest?" Tommy: "Oh, we took ’em prisoners.” A wounded driver of the A.S.C. had the misfortune to have his right arm blown off by a shell, which killed two of his mates on the same wagon. An old lady visited him in hospital, and, in expressing sympathy, was met with the stoic retort: “It micht hae been waur, mum. "Might have been worse, my poor, dear man! What could be worse than losing your good right hand —and your arm?” "Oh, I micht hae had my wages in my hand! replied the Scotsman. While mother was arranging the pantry shelves Marjory handed her the spice boxes, mentioning each spice by name. Presently she said; "Mamma, I can read." "Can you, dear?” "Y§s, mamma," said Marjory, "but I don’t read like you. 1 read by the smell." Teacher; "Now tell me, what were the thoughts that passed through Sir Isaac Newton’s mind when the apple fell on his head ?" Bright Boy: "I guess he felt awful glad it wasn’t a brick.” Simpson gallantlv escorted his hostess to the table. ■‘‘May I,” he asked, "sit on your right hand?” "No," she replied, “I have to eat with that. You’d better take a chair." . i Mrs. Johnson; "How does yo’ feel dis mawnin’, Joe?" Mr. Johnson; "I feel bad mighty bad! I wish dat Providence would habe mussy on me an’ take me." Mrs. Johnson : "How can you expcc’ it to be ef you won’t take de doctor’s medicine?"