HE MADE HIM HEAR.

New Zealand Tablet, 19 August 1915, Page 62

HE MADE HIM HEAR.

A Chinaman was brought before a magistrate in the court of a Canadian city and received a fine for a slight misdemeanor. The judge had great difficulty in making the Oriental understand, for he pretended not to know a word of English, ' 1 Look here, man,' he said, disgustedly, ‘ that is one dollar. Do you see? Pay —otherwise in gaol! Understand?’ The. Chinaman signified that he did not understand and the magistrate repeated it. ‘ Let me talk with him, your Honor,’ said the portly officer who had arrested the man, ‘ I’ll make him understand!’ When the judge had given him leave the officer approached the Chinaman and shouted in his ear : ‘Say, can't you hear anything? You’ve got to pay a two dollar fine!’ ‘You’re a liar!’ cried the Chinaman, forgetting himself in his rage. 1 It’s only one dollar.’ A CRACK CORPS. A Yankee entered a big hotel in the Highlands, when he overheard a party of visitors speaking about shooting. ‘ Gentlemen,’ he said, ‘ I guess I have seen some good shooting in my time. I have seen a fly killed on the flagpole at three hundred yards.’ An Irishman, who was one of the party, said : ‘ Begorra, it’s pretty good, but I believe I’ve seen better. When I was in the army the major used to roll an empty beer barrel down the hill, and every time the bunghole turned up we put a bullet in. Any man who couldn’t do it was dismissed. I was in that corps for fifteen years, and never saw a man dismissed.’ SPEAKING OF THE TWIG. At a dinner-party the other evening the conversation turned to the ecstatic way in which we often praise the beauty of our friends’ babies, and this story was recalled by Mrs. Bob Sweeney. Some time ago Uncle Brown called on his nephew, and hardly had he reached the house before the new baby was trotted out for his admiration. Uncle Brown, of course, became very much interested. * And so this is the groat baby V he remarked to the proud parents, as he gazed at the fluffy little bundle. ‘ I trust that you will bring him up to be a conscientious and worthy man.’ ‘ I am greatly afraid, uncle,’ demurely responded the mother, ‘ that that will be utterly impossible.’ ‘Nonsense, Kitty! Nonsense!’ was the energetic rejoinder of Uncle Brown. ‘ As the twig is bent the tree is inclined, you know.’ ‘ Yes, I know,’ smiled Kitty ; ‘ but this particular twig is bent on being a girl.’ MORE WONDERFUL STILL. The inspector was examining a very youthful class of boys, and among other subjects he requested the teacher to ask her pupils a few questions in Nature knowledge. Desiring her class to do her honor she decided upon the simple subject, ‘ Chickens.’ ‘ Now, children,’ she said, ‘ 1 want you to tell me something very wonderful about chickens.’ ‘How they get out of their* shells V promptly responded one little fellow. " ‘ Well,’ said the teacher, ‘ that is, of course, wonderful; but I mean something more wonderful still.’ There was a silence for a few seconds. Then up spoke little Johnny. ‘Please, ma’am, it’s mair wonderful hoo they ever got intae their shells.' SPOILED THE JOKE. Jones, who appreciates a joke, but, like many others, cannot repeat one with any degree of success, heard for the first time the joke about the dog being

the most musical of animals, ‘ because ,he wears a brass band round his neck,’ and determined to spring it on the first party of friends to which he was invited. The V time came, and he electrified his victims with the exclamation, -y. ■•; ‘I say, I’ve a really good one!’ He asked, ‘ is a'dog the most musical of animals?’ They gave up. ‘ Because,’ announced Jones, triumphantly, ‘he wears a brass collar round his neck.’ — .4 JUST A SUGGESTION. The manager of the restaurant stood behind the cashier’s desk, wearing his stock-in-trade smile for each customer. An old gentleman came up. ‘ I notice,’ said he, pleasantly, pulling out his wallet, ‘that you advertise you make your own pies.’ ‘ Yes, sir,’ replied the manager proudly, ‘ we do.’ ' Will you allow me to offer a suggestion?’ " - ‘ Certainly, sir; certainly. We shall be most happy to have you do so.’ ‘ Well, then, just let someone else make them.’ A NEW DISEASE. ‘ Father,’ said James, who was laboring over his home-work list of words to be defined, ‘ what is appendicitis V ‘ Appendicitis, my son,’ answered the deep-think-ing father, ‘ is something that enables a doctor to open up a man’s anatomy and remove his entire bank account.’ THE TEACHER’S GIFT, ‘ What a wonderful painter Rubens was !’ remarked Mr. Gibbs at the art gallery. ‘ Yes,’ assented Mrs. Gibbs. ‘lt is said of him that he could change a laughing face into a sad one by a single stroke.’ ‘Why,’ spoke up Willie, In disgust, ‘my teacher can do that.’ NOT USED TO THE POSITION. Before arriving at their hotel in the city, the young cquple agreed that by no word or act would any indication be made that they were newly married. When asked to register, the bridegroom made this certain by writing in a firm, bold hand, ‘Mr. and Mrs. Paul B. Brown, and wife.’ PARDONABLE MISTAKE. The following incident took place at a party somelittle time ago. Our friend the ‘ funny man ’ introduced a young gentleman to a young lady, whom he (the young gentleman) understood to be a daughter of 1 the Countess of Ayr, and in consequence he was veVy deferential to her. By and by, after a dance, the young fellow ven- . tured to ask after her mother, the Countess. ‘ My father, you mean,’ said the young lady (the mother being dead). ‘ No, no-no,’ said the bewildered youth. ‘ I was asking after your mother, the Countess of Ayr,’ Yes, I know,’ was the reply, * but that’s my father. Whereupon the young gentleman rushed off and told his hostess that the young lady must be quite mad, as she told him the Countess of Ayr was her father. '"V ‘So he is,’ answered the hostess. ‘Let me introduce you to him. He is Mr. Smith, the County Surveyor.’ ■