Grade and Gay.

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XXV, Issue 11, 16 July 1897, Page 29

Grade and Gay.

THE UNCO' GUID. A prominent Government official, not wholly unconnected with the Water Supply Department, tells a good story of his experience in the house of some unco' quid people some years ago. He and a fellow-officer were entertained at the house in question for the night. The conversation was mainly religious, and they only drank tea — and weak at that. Mr. Campaspe had not been long in his room on retiring for the night when v knock came to the door and his fellow-offi ;er and sufferer ent;red. "I knew," he said, "that these people never keep a drop of anything in the house, so I brought a bottle of whisky with me. Will you have a taste before you turn in ?"' This was despatched, and the Samaritan reti red. But scarcely had he gone when there came another mysterious visitor. This time it was the son of the hous-e, who entered bearing a bottle of whisky. " I've brought you a drop of whisky, Mr. Cimpa^pe, thinking you might like a nightcap 1 could not offer it to you before the old folks, because they are so blessed particular." '■ You are very good, but I have just had a drop with Derry." " Oh, never mind that, have another now with me. A little more won't hurt you.' So Mr. Campaspe had a little more and i?ot into bed. But his experiences were not over, for there was a third visitor with a third bottle, and this time it was the head of the house, who said in a whisper, " Are you asleep, Mr. Campaspe .' I have brought you a taste of whisky for a nightcap. I could not oifer it to you before, for the old woman is so blamed particular.' 1 Mr. Campaspp could not betray the wickedness of the sou and of Derry in bringing whisky into such an abstemious house, so he had to take a third nobbier, and pretend to be very thankful. He avoids the houses of the unco' quid now, for he says that the life is too fast for him. — The Australasian. ON T E FOR THE TOURIST. The old univgenerated Adam is so assertive in me (writes a contributor to the Dublin Fret man) that I was just now on the point of asking the reader to "lend mo his ears" for the following story, which c >mes to my memory in discussing ear-ology : — A clever British tourist in Ireland fell into conversation with a poor Irish labourer and of course immediately gave the poor 'fellow to understand that ho was not one of the " predominant partners." The latter had rather generous measure in his ears, which, noticing the stranger twitted him — "'You should cut a piece off your ears, Pat, they're too large for a man." •' Musha. then, I won't give you pieces to add to yours," replied Pat. " though I see they are too small for an ass." TA KILTS TO BL VMK Lord Roberts tells this amusing «iory in his '"Forty-one Years in India " — '' A curiotis incident happened at the Alambagh. I was employed inside the enclosure, when all at once I heard a noise and commotion some distance off. Getting on to the roof 1 looked over the plain and saw o'ir troops flying in every direction. There was no firing, no enemy in sjj>ht. but evidently something was wrong : so I mounted my horse and rode to the scene of confusion. There I found that th ■ ignominious flight of our troops was caused by infuriated bees, which had been disturbed by an officer of the ilth Lancers thoughtlessly thrusting a luicc into their nest. There was no seri'ms consequences, but the Highlanders were heard to re-nark on the unsuitability of tlu'ir dr s«, tor an encounter with an enemy of that description. A ru/./.Li; FOit thi: <,i;oL<>r;i.sT. New South Wales is. perhaps, says the St. Jnmi v' (lazttti , the only British colony wheie a Roman Catholic priest is a salaried civil servant. On one ot its stall's ot Government gt>olo»i-t is the Rev.J. Milne Curran. The duties of a Catholic priest and a Government geologist are not conflicting, but there are p >s>ibilities of embarrassment in the combination. When Father Curran, in his capacity of geologist, is sent from Sydney to report on a mineral discovery, he is naturally invite 1 to o'h'eiate in the local Catholic church. Once, when he was robing after Mass in a distant township, an old Irishman enteivd and observed, "I'm told you re a geologist, Father." " Yes. Ido a lit tie m th.it way." '" Well, then would you come round an I su ■ my daughter. Mary.' She has a great big lump on the back of her neck.'