Rambling Recollections.

New Zealand Illustrated Magazine, Volume VII, Issue 5, 1 February 1903, Page 385

Rambling Recollections.

By ROLLINGSTONE

No. III.— SAM SAWNEY.

W remember another typical new II chum. I will call him Sam. Saw|[J ney ; he was a helpless specili men of a different class alto*s gether from that which Billy Blacksheep represented, but could scarcely be said to adorn. Young Sawney was sent out by his friends not because of his evil proclivities, but because he did not appear to them to possess any proclivities at all. He was not by any means an idiot —at least, so his parents assured us in their introductory letter. We required the assurance, otherwise we should certainly have fallen into an unhappy error. But his resemblance to one was undoubtedly

striking. So much so that the term was often used by the boys in referring to him, and, moreover, they did not always confine it to purposes of reference, for I had frequently to rebuke them for using it in an exclamatory sense with a personal pronoun and objectional adjective in his presence.

The payment of a premium made the arduous task of trying to teach Sam bush-farming a compulsory one, but utterly failed to render it pleasant. His parents thought the said premium rather stiff, we, on the contrary, came to the conclusion that it was totally inadequate under the circumstances. We were genuinely sorry we had not doubled or trebled it, for we soon found our reputation was at stake. We had not calculated on the love of exaggeration which, though prevalent everywhere, is more pro-

Vol. VII.— No. 5.— £5.

nounced in back-country settlements where there really is so little -worth exaggerating. The mildest thing that was said about us was that we were running an establishment for the care of dotty new-chums, and that our first patient was fully qualified for his position, although they did not consider we were for ours, it must be admitted that this was a kind way of putting it compared with some of the others, . but we could scarcely be expected to appreciate the kindness.

All sorts of deadly fears assailed the ladies. They pictured some of our importations escaping and running* amok through the settlement, and then and there determined never again to retire to rest without carefully examining every corner of their rooms, not even forgetting to pay especial attention to the weird spaces under their respective couches.

The incident I am about to relate originated the first of these unpleasant rumours that came to our ears. Sawney's parents, recognizing the educational power of the press, and with the laudable idea of enlarging their son's mind, sent him regularly every month a bulky budget of newspapers containing the whole. of the previous month's daily issues of the " Times/ for the weekly edition had not then been instituted. Sawney waded through these with commendable patience and persistence, and was invariably greatly exercised in mind whenever any grievance was brought prominently forward therein. Griev-

ances always appealed to him peculiarly, and whenever he was more than usually engrossed in the correspondence columns we knew what to expect.

At first he used to try and get, i-s to read the letters wh'.jh moved him to such an extent, and pitied us profoundly when we explained that we preferred literature of a lighter and more entertaining nature. For days afterwards he c<>itld think and talk of nothing else. iNo power on earth would stop him. No matter what other subject was introduced, the moment he could make himself heard he harked back to the grievance.

On the occasion I am about to describe the mismanagement of English hospitals was his speciality. We tried our utmost to talk him down, but failed deplorably. What was to be done ? A happy thought suggested itself. We had a neighbour who was equally verbose. His verbosity unlike Sawney's — which only troubled him and us at mail times — was chronic and constant, and also, bad as it undoubtedly was, had the distinct advantage of variety. We had always regarded it as an insufferable nuisance. But what if it should prove to possess healing virtues ? We determined to try. At all events an evening spent there could not be worse than Sawney's persistent monotone at home.

Hopkins and liis wife received us hospitably, and expressed their pleasure at meeting our new agricultural pupil. We noticed Hopkins' curious emphasis on the word " agricultural/ and Mrs Hopkins' peculiar shrinking when Sawney approached her, but were at a loss to understand their significance. Barely waiting to be formally introduced Sawney remarked in the sepulchral tone he deemed fitting for the occasion : " How deplorable all this is about the mismanagement of hospitals at Home, Mr Hopkins !"

Now although we were ignorant of the fact Hopkins had, years be-

fore, been a hospital guardian in the Old Country. Moreover he had not seen an English paper for months.

He was up in arms in a moment, and denied point blank the possibility of any mismanagement in these admirable British institutions. The pressmen did not know what they were writing about, anything for a sensation and so on. Sawney responded m a manner that surprised even us. At it they went, hammer and tongs, clappers and door-knockers, anvils and forges ! Neither would give in, for no one could possibly be more obstinate in retaining an opinion when ho once got it into his head than Sawney. He knew only too well the stupendous effort required to replace it, and was therefore wise in his generation. Besides he know he was in the right, and was not going to be talked down by an ignoramus — nor was Hopkins by a new-chum. We sat still and suffered, awaiting results. Hour -after hour they stormed, and rattled on, as often as not both at the same time, and every minute the din became louder.

Midnight approached with no sign of cessation. Then Mrs Hopkins, who had been gradually getting more and more alarmed, and had tried at frequent intervals to get her husband's ear, shouted something into it which he evidently heard above the roar of their contending voices — but we did not. Whatever it was it had a talismanic effect. Not a word more did he utter, but the glance he gave Sawney expressed as clearly as words could have done the sentiment, " What's the srood of arguing with a lunatic V His sudden silence struck Sawney temporarily speechless, but he had had the last word, and considered himself the victor, at which he was highly elated. Yet he was not cured, for he discoursed volubly all the way home about Hopkins' astounding ignorance of hospital mismanagement.

The next day a rumotir flew

round the little settlement that Sawney's was a very bad case, and his particular crack was the mismanagement of hospitals ! And — unkindest cut of all — that it was very bad form on our part to injlict him on our friends ! It bad curiously enough, never occurred to us to look at it in that light. But after reflection we had to admit to ourselves that it was not an unreasonable one.

Meanwhile we were trying to pump colonial experience into Sawney. .Never was there a more unpromising pupil. Our quietest horses, irritated by his clumsy attempts to ride them, seemed to have entered into a conspiracy against him. They vied with one another how far they could throw him, and how often in a given time. Even the old milking- cows charged him <;n sight — if there was not room to run away. His personal appearance might have had something to do with this, for he certainly was not pretty.

He could not do the simplest thing without it turning into an clement of previously unheard of danger, not only to himself, but to every one in the vicinity. While splitting saplings for rails, he hit his instructor on the head with a maul, instead of the wedge. The fellow took the deadly instrument from him, and told him to hold a wedge in position while he hit it. Sawney did so, but inadvertently placed one of his fingers on the top of it — and left it there. The man did not notice it, but the maul did.

Sawney was always doing these inadvertent things with results which invariably grieved him sorely. His rage on such occasions knew no bounds, for his temper was at no time good. The tools he was working with and every moveable thing near was hurled through the air till it was thick with them. The only instance I remember when this wild man-made hurricane did not occur was when he impatiently endeavoured to rend asunder a partly split sapling with his fingers. But

the omission was his misfortune rather than his fault. His strenuous exertions caused the wedge to jerk out, and the released sections sprang together with the lightning rapidity and adhesiveness of interrupted lovers directly the inhuman interrupter has departed and closed the door behind him or her. Saw. ney's agonized astonishment and horror when he found he had omitted to remove his fingers was indescribable. When at length released an attempt to make a dancing platform of his hat and some daringly prophetic language were substituted for the usual hurricane. The bystanders welcomed the innovation as involving less danger dodging- on them, for they naturally regarded the fulfilment of his prophecies as exceedingly remote.

Sawney couid never do anything like any one else. He tried to improve on their methods. The horses had positively got tired of throwing him at last. The thing had become monotonous, there was no longer any fun in it, so he was permitted to go out riding alone. One day he was sent somewhere with a led horse. He got tired of holding the halter in his hand, and tied it round his leg. Coming to a narrow creek his mount took it into his head to jump it. The led horse considered this rash and halted suddenly to think over it. The result can be imagined. Sawney fell with a startling splash and a wild cry of terror into the muddy water. The ied horse was naturally frightened, and rushed frantically hither and thither, dragging p,oor Sawney up and down stream by the leg till he was within an aue of being drowned in three feet of mud and water.

Aiter twelve months tuition Sawney, senior, wrote to enquire if we thought his son sufficiently advanced in his agricultural studies to start farming on his owi* account. We replied briefly that on the contrary we considered, judging from the way he was going on, the term of his* natural life would be iij-

finitely too short for him to acquire sufficient knowledge for such a purpose. We wrote thus considerately in order to break it geitly to the old man and avoid any shock to his system, but he evidently regarded our communication as a joke or an exaggeration, for his reply was a request that we would give his> y oiling hopeful another year amongst the higher branches of the art.

We saw at once the necessity of adopting a different tone, and wrote him, more in sorrow than in anger, that we were not equal to the strain, and considerately recommended an acquaintance in another district — we were careful about that — wh< took cadets, as more proficient m finishing pupils than we were. We added that different styles of farming were adopted by different settlers in different parts of the country, and it would be well for dear Sam to avoid falling into a groove.

This had the desired effect. We received two letters of a highly gratifying nature, one from Sawney, senior, expressing his gratitude for our kindness in studying so considerately his son's future welfare, and another from his new preceptor thanking us heartily for our recommendation. Of course the latter had not seen Sawney when he wrote, but we appreciated the feeling- which inspired the letter none the less highly for that. We bade the lad farewell without emotion. We considered it unnecessary and too trying.

Although in another district we soon heard a number of rumours about Sawney. He was not one of those whose lights are hid under a bushel. He had always been extremely bashful in the presence of young ladies, although with the curious inconsistency of idi—badlybalanced individuals, his hankering after their society was strong, lie laboured under the tantalizing impression that they were invariably laughing at him, which was, of

course, absurd. He had only been a short time in his new home, however, when we heard that he was doing his utmost to become a lady's man, and then that he was engaged to be married. For a time we who knew him, and did not know who the lady was, were excessively surprised. But that sensation ceased somewhat when we discovered that his chosen one was the only daughter of old Jones, a neglected damsel nearly old enough to be his mother, and as deficient in beauty as poor Sawney was himself.

He, however, it appeared, did not regard the difference in age in the light of an obstacle at all. On the contrary, he took all the more credit to himself for having captured the affections of one whose age guaranteed that she had survived foolish fascination, and was attracted only by the intrinsic worth of the object of her affection.

His generosity at this particular period was phenomenal. As a rule generosity had not been one of his prominent characteristics. Whatever his lady love expressed a desire to possess, he at once purchased. He seemed to take a delight in showing the younger generation of charmers what they had missed by laughing at him. He even bought his elderly adored one's favourite hack from her father at three times its value, and made her a present of it. He wrote to know if we would advance the money to buy her father's farm, because she said she was sure she could not be happy anywhere but in her childhood's home. When we received this note we came to the conclusion that the old man and his daughter were working him for all he was worth.

We were in a quandary. To destroy^ love's young dream and our one-time pupil's faith in womankind, and at the same time impute improper motives to an old man and his motherless daughter seemed to. us cruel in the extreme, but to refrain from what was obviously our duty was impossible to us. So

we sent him a delicately-worded screed hinting at our suspicions.

munication with us. We also wrote to his father, and strongly urged^&is recall, explaining in detail our reasons for the recommendation.

His reply was a whirlwind of invective, denouncing us as devils incarnate and cruel slanderers of the weak and defenceless. As an evident afterthought he concluded with the scarcely consistent statement that lie had burnt our letter unread, and desired no further com-

The last we heard of Mr. Sawney was that his charmer had tired of him, at which we were not surprised, and that he was going home to see his mother and get over his disappointment.