Jiff's Happy Family.

New Zealand Illustrated Magazine, Volume 1, Issue 11, 1 August 1900, Page 28

Jiff's Happy Family.

By Hunter Murdock,

Illustrated hy W. Wright,

W AM an animal painter, arid in that li| capacity made the acquaintance of Wj Anthony Jiff. It was in this wise : <=sk One day there came into my studio a short broad-shouldered young man, close-shaven, ruddy and tight trousered. He looked so " doggy " that I was not surprised when he extracted from a capacious coatpocket a black and tan terrier not much larger than a rat.

" This," said he, introducing her, "is the champion toy terrier, Queen Mab, and I want you to oblige me by painting her."

"It strikes me," I replied, " that she has already painted herself. Look at her."

Directly upon being put down, the imp had jumped upon a chair where I had deposited my palette, upon which she was calmly sitting.

Well, I cleaned her up, and eventually painted her portrait so much, to Jiff's satisfaction that he insisted upon paying me half as much again as I had asked. This led to a friendship, in the course of wliich I had the most curious experience of my life.

I should premise that my friend had been a clerk in the Oity until he came into a " bit of money," as he termed it, which enabled him to realise the dream of his life, and establish himself in a snug little place near Barnet, where he went in for dogs, " and so on." I did not at the time realise the fall signinoau.ce of the "so on." It was afterwards revealed to me.

" Come down to my place for a few days," said he one hot summer day. " You'll find plenty of . models, and I'll introduce you to my happy family."

"I didn't know you were married," I replied.

•'Neither am I," he rejoined with a twinkle in his eye, "and that's why it is a happy family."

More than this I could not get out of him, and piqued by curiosity, I ran down to Barnet the next day, and was there met by Jiff in a natty dog-cart followed by a splendid mastiff. " Glad to see you," he exclaimed, jumping down. "Allow me to introduce you to Bella (champion at the Crystal Palace Show)." This in a whisper, as too sacred a piece of information for ears profane. " Bella, friend of mine." Upon this the creature gravely held out her paw, which I duly shook. Then unluckily I patted her head, exclaiming, " You beauty !" This was too much for her feminine vanity. She immediately rose up, placed her paw on my shoulders, and — well, let's say, kissed me. " You must excuse her," said Jiff, apologetically, " she's young and impulsive. When she's been more into society she will understand that it is not etiquette to behave like this upon a first introduction. She is really too gushing." "Gushing!" I growled, wiping my face, " 2 call it slobbering." On reaching Jiff's " little place " we were welcomed by a strange chorus of barks, yelps, growls, neighing, and bellowing. "That's my happy family," exclaimed Jiff. " They all come to welcome me on my return." Sure enough as a boy, who doubled the roles of groom and gardener, threw open the gates, out rushed an excited mob composed of Queen Mab aforesaid, a big-headed bull dog, who sniffed curiously, and as I thought cannibalistically, at my legs, a game cock who flew on to Jiff's left shoulder, a monkey who climbed on to his right, a horse who trotted whinnying from his stable, and last but not least a huge brown bear.

All these were introduced in due form. " Mars " (here the bulldog held out his paw and put out his tongue as though he regarded me as a doctor who had come to diagnose his symptoms). Again the mysterious whisper, " First prize at the Agricultural. General Booth (don't you see the likeness ?") Here the monkey reached down his hairy paw. " Count Orloff." It was with fear and trembling that I shook the bear's huge paw. But I reflected that it would not do to offend him. "You see," said my host as ho led the way into the dining-room, "that I have them all under perfect control. All done by kindness and firmness." " You don't happen to have a crocodile or a boa constrictor anywhere about ?" I inquired anxiously. " I did think of a crocodile," replied Jiff with a sigh, "but this climate is too cold." " Thank goodness for that," was my mental comment. . "We dine en famille," said Jiff. "You don't mind it?" " On the contrary, it will be very curious." The creatures seated themselves round the table ; I facing my host. On my right and left hand sat General Booth and Count Orloff. Then came Queen Mab, who faced Mars, for whom Jiff gave me to understand she entertained a hopeless passion, he looking languishingly at Bella. Even among dogs the course of true love does not always run smooth. " J?or what we are to receive," began my host, when he was interrupted by a yell from me. What Jhad already received was a stab in the calf of my leg. "That's Pluto !" cried Jiff, making a dive under the table and hauling forth a large raven. " Oh, you bad bird ! Out you go ! Mary, open the window." The pretty parlour maid, who waited on us, ohoked down a giggle and opened the window, and Pluto was, expelled therefrom with muoh flapping of wings and indignant croaking. " He's the only one of the lot who sets me at defiance," said Jiff ruefully.

After dinner I went into the paddock to make a pencil study of one of the horses. I was speedily absorbed in my work when I felt a blast on my neck, and starting up, found that it came from a cow who had been inspecting my sketch. She danced round me with horns, lowered. On the principle of facing the enemy, I danced opposite to her, trying to increase my distance. Now, I don't object to dancing in the abstract, but a pas de deuce with a cow looks undignified, and might lead to unpleasant consequences, so I climbed into an apple tree, around which my tormentor trotted until Jiff, attracted by her bellowing, came to my rescue. " Sorry you had such a fright," quoth he, " but Daisy never hurts anybody. That's only her play. See here !" and at a wave of his hand the wretch charged down on him just as she had done with me, stopping short when her horns were within a foot of his body. I had no more adventures that day, and as I lay in bed soothed by the scent of roses and new-mown hay, I congratulated myself upon my snug quarters. Alas for the transitory nature of earthly bliss ! In the morning, just as I was about to step out of my bath, I heard a squeak, and behold, a huge rat sitting on its haunches and rubbing its face with its forepaws and glaring at me with its fierce little eyes. I have always had a horror of l'ats, even when dressed — myself I mean, not the rats. But to be assaulted by one now that I was clad only in conscious innocence, without even boots wherewith to kick at him, was too awful. For some minutes I stood shivering in the water, his ratship running l'ound and round the bath regardless of my "shooing!" at him, which he evidently regarded as part of the game. At last I shouted '-'Jiff! Jiff! Help! Help!" till, after what seemed a century of suspense, Jiff rushed in, his face covered with lather and a razor in his hand. " What -is the matter?" " Matter ! Why, that's the matter," cried I, pointing to the rat. " Drive it away ! Kill it !"

"Kill my poor little pet Puck !" rejoined Jiff, taking the creature up and fondling it. " Why, it's only my pet rat. He lives in that hole, and comes out for his biscuit every morning when I have my bath." " But he was going to attack me." " Not a bit of it. Only his play, you know." " Are all your pets equally facetious ? It may be fun to them, but a little more of this sort would be death to me." " Each has its own little idiosyncrasies, but I'll undertake that they don't annoy you. I'm awfully sorry, old man. Let us

" Here you are then," said Jiff, snapping a long chain on to Mars' collar. " Don't let him ran loose on any account. I gave fifty pounds for him. And, by-the-bye, you might get me some areca nut powder at the chemist's down town."

My friend put it very nicely when bo talked about my taking Mars out for a walk, but what really happened was that he took me out for a walk, or rather a run, till wo arrived in Barnet, he with his tongue lolling out of his mouth, and 1 utterly exhausted. Then this dog, who, in the bosom of his family, looked as if butter wouldn't melt in

bury the past in oblivion, and go down to breakfast."

The aggravating thing about Jiff is that he is so guileless and good humoured that one can't be angry with him long.

After breakfast the pretty maid came in with a telegram which brought a cloud upon his brow.

" Bother ! Here's Stylus, of the Telegraph, wired that he is coming down to interview the ' Happy Family,' and I must stay in to receive him. Look here ; I want you to do me a favour. Would you mind taking Mars out for his walk ? He goes out every day, and would be so disappointed if he didn't." The dog seemed so quiet that I consented.

his mouth, seemed to resolve to make up for his domestic goodness by becoming a vory demon of mischief. Before I know where I was, he had twisted his chain round ray logs, and as fast as I turned round to unwind it, he walked round too. We were soon the centre of an admiring crowd, and I was getting quite giddy with my gyrations, when a policeman came up. He was a philosopher in a blue suit and a helmet. Stooping down, he seized Mars by bis collar, unhooked the chain, unwound it, and thon re-hooking it, handed the end to rae with " That's the way to do it, sir." Item : A shilling to my benefactor in blue. As long as Mars felt that the eye of the

law was upon him, he trotted by my side like a lamb, but directly I tried to go into the chemist's for the areca nut, he planted his legs firmly and anchored me to the pavement. After tugging at him in vain, I raised my hand to give him a cuff, whereupon he threw himself upon his back after the manner of a drunken man who objects to accompanying a policeman to the station. With much labour I heaved the fifty-six pounds of dogflesh on to his legs, only to see him again throw himself on his back with the object of escaping punishment. Then assembled, crowd number two. " Get a stretcher," recommended a butcher boy.' "Can't yer see as the pore dorg's drunk ?" "Bre's a wheel bar rer," chimed in his friend. "Put 'itn in that." Maddened by their satire, I, as a last resource, tried blandishment. " Poor dog ! He's a booty. Do come along like a good dog." He took heart of grace at this, rose to his feet and fawned upon me. A bulldog's idea of fawning is peculiar. This is how he does it: he gives a propitiatory wriggle, and when he has thus beguiled you into stooping to pat him, he jumps up and rams his great chucklehead against your eyes or nose — he prefers the nose. This is what Mars did, to the great delight of the butcher boy, who cried out, " Round the fust. Fust blood for Bully !" Then while I applied my handkerchief to my noso, Mars put out his tongue, grinned idiotically, and wagged his tail, as one who should say, " You can't say that I haven't done my best to make myself agreeable." Then, feeling that he had done the right thing, he allowed me to lead him into the chemist's and out again. "Now," said I to myself, "we shall get on." We did, but in a jerky zig-zag sort of a way. When Mars saw a dog ahead, he would make a sudden spring forward, neai'ly dragging me on to my face, and when I had lugged him past the object of his attentions, he would dart back with a force and suddenness which nearly laid me on my back. The painful, part of the performance

was that I could see by the looks of two austere ladies that they were under the impression that I was hopelessly drank, and that my faithful dog was trying to drag me past the public houses with which Barnet abounds. "Disgraceful!" exclaimed one of the austere ones. Thus far she had sat upon me metaphorically, but now a sudden dart which Mars made between her legs caused her to sit upon me from an avoirdupois point of view with great severity. How unequally are rewards and punishments meted out in this wicked world ! How oft do the innocent suffer while the guilty escape! Here was I, a man of blameless life, crashed under thirteen stone of gentle woman, while the author of the calamity escaped, and straddling on the pavement, grinned at us fiendishly. Why didn't she sit on the dog ? When her companion had got her again into a vertical position, I began to apologise, but was cat short. " You're no gentleman," cried one. " If I could find a policeman," chimed in the oue who had nearly murdered me, " I'd give you in charge."' " Bat, my dear madam, I expostulated, " it was the dog." " Then you ought not to have such a brute." Farther parley was cut short by Mars who, spying a St. Bernard in the distance, dragged me off at a trot. Mars (let me be just even to him), was, I believe, actuated by friendly motives in making up to the big dog. Probably he wished to say " Good morning," and ask after his wife and family. But unluckily the St. Bernard growled. This was enough for Mars. In a second he was hanging to the big dog's throat, shaking, gurgling and tearing, while his victim impotently dragged him about, unable either to bite him or get free. Then came the sage advice which the bystanders usually proffer in such cases. " Throw some saufli in 'is heyes." Nobody had a snuff box.

" Git a red-'ot poker." It takes some time to make a poker red hot. " Threw some water over him." " Bite 'is tail." " Bite yer grandmother," replies au ostler contemptuously. " I know this dorg, an' no bitin' will make 'ira quit 'is 'old. Is any one of you game to 'old the St. Bernard while I chokes off the hull ?" A costermonger came forward and held the big dog by his collar, while the ostler gripped Mars' throat with both hands till he was forced to gasp for breath, when his huge adversary, only too glad to escape, tore away down the street. " 'Ere, let me take 'im 'ome, sir," says my new friend, taking the chain out of my hand. " Never lead a bulldog with a long chain. " 'Old 'im up short, like this." Mars seemed to know that he had to deal with a man who would stand no nonsense, for lie walked by his side like a poodle till we reached Jiff's gate where I dismissed my guardian angel with half-a-crown. What artful hypocrites dogs can be ! While I was recounting to Jiff the misdeeds of his pet, the animal looked at us with an air of meek martyrdom as much as to say, " I know that I am being maligned, but I'll bear it like a Christian," and I felt that I ought to be ashamed of myself for bearing false witness against my neighbour. Jiff listened to my recital with the philosophic calm with which we bear the misfortunes of others. "My dear Pagefc, I'm awfully sorry, but he really didn't mean any harm. He's a young dog you see, and it was only his play. But I'm the one to blame. I ought to have cautioned you to lead him with a short chain." Why, oh, why, does knowledge always come to us when it is too late to be of any use? Then he fell a-fondling the culprit in the idiotic way which characterises the fond mother of spoilt children and the owners of spoilt dogs. " Was he a naughty boy ? And did he go tripping old ladies up, and mauling poor

St. Bernards, and hitting his dear friond on tho nose?" And the caitiff writhed and wriggled and wagged his tail with the air of one who had suffered much iivjustico, but was now being consoled. These endearments over, Jiff looked up and noticed the scowl with which I regarded him. " Neror mind, old follow. Lot's havo a pipe and a little fizz to pull you round after all you've gone through ; and aftor dinnor, choose your model, and I'll engage to keop him still." He was as good as his word. Ho had only to hold up his linger to the Count, and that noble ceased swaying backwards and forwards, and stood like a statue. The same with the others, evon down to tho mercurial General, and so I got some very good studies. In the evening, my irrepressible host showed me the portraits of all tho prize dogs that had ever lived, and gave me tho pedigreo of each. I think that tho intense mental effort required to follow these must have been the cause of my longing for an early turn in. A young lady novelist would say that I " retired to rest at an early hour." I profor to say, as being more truthful, that I went to bed, but not to rest. Mars and his misdeeds haunted me. I wondered if tho ridiculous scrapes into which he had led me would get me into tho paporß. And so tho weary hours wore on till the old church clock struck twelve. " 'Tis now the very witching hour of night. When churchyards yawn, and graves give up their dead." I quoted to myself. And then, as I said tho words, I heard the clanking of a chain and heavy footsteps ascending tho stairs. My heart stood still as I listened. " One, two, three, four ! Clank ! Clank ! Nearer, clearer, deadlier than before !" I tried to call out, but my tongue clave to the roof of my mouth, and I could only utter a faint croak. The footsteps stopped at my door. Then came a heavy thud against it. I am not

ashamed to own that I cowered under the bedclothes to escape the sight of the awful "thing," whatever it might be, about to enter. Another thud, and the door flew open. Even iv that supreme moment I could not help wondering how it was that I heard the Ghost's footsteps about the room. Chains we know, Spooks do rattle, but it is contrary to the natural history (if I may use this term of the supernatural) I say of ghosts, that their steps should be audible. Strange to say, this discrepancy so piqued my curiosity that it gave me courage to peep over the clothes. There happened to be a

crime. His next move convinced me that conscience had given it up as a bad job, for he climbed on to my bed. This time he gave a sigh of satisfaction as he rolled on to me. Oh, the weight and heat of that soft, furry monstrous body ! He seemed to have no hostile intent, but merely wanted to be comfortable, but that was no consolation to me as I felt myself being slowly pressed and sweltered to death. Again I tried to call out, but had no breath left. I put all my remaining strength into a mighty shove, but he only sighed, and again subsided upon me. If only I could ran a pin into him ! But I

fall moon, the light of which filtering through the blind, revealed a huge mass slowly moving about. Then it flashed upon me that there was veal danger to be feared, as I t'ecogrrised my midnight visitor as the bear. While he was sniffing and turning over my clothes, which I had hastily deposited on a chair, I recalled all the gruesome bear stories that I had ever read, and wondered whether tlie grim Count would hug me to death, or scalp me with one fell stroke of his awful claws. At last he came up to the bed, sniffed me, and sighed. I sighed, too, with relief. Perhaps even then his better nature was urging him to refrain from his meditated

had no pin, and besides, he might have resented it as an insult. These foreign nobles are so very particular.

I do not know how long I lay in this plight. Chronologically, I believe that it was only a few minutes, but mentally it seemed an age. At last I again heard footsteps on the stairs, and this time it was Jiff who rushed into the room, revolver in hand.

"I heard a noise," he explained, "and have been all over the house with the dogs hunting for burglars. Oh, it's you, is it? Come out of that !" Saying which, he dragged the Count off the bed.

" My dear fellow, you must have had an awful fright. Wait till I chain the Count up again, and I'll bring you some braudy."

others to break his chain. I novor know him do it before. I supposo ho felt lonely and wanted company. Ho evidently took to you when he first saw you. I'm sure ho meant no barm. It was only his " Pie checked himself, and suppressed his favourite word. I left the uext morning. Years have passed since this adventure. Jiff and 1 aro as good friends as ever, but I have resisted all his enticements to again visit his Happy Family.

With this, he lugged the discomfited monster out of the room and went downstairs, followed by the dogs.

He was soon back with the brandy, a stiff dose of which brought me round. This time he was so cut up that it was I who had to comfort him.

"To think," said he plaintively, "that the brute should choose this night of all