Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLIX, Issue 19, 7 May 1913, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE

“Here I Ain, Dear I” nAST summer a Manchester commercial traveller was married and was given a month's holiday. He and his bride spent their honeymoon in a quiet resort. One evening, as they entered the dining-room and sat down, as usual, in a secluded corner, the young husband noticed a very good customer at a table near by. "Say, dearest,” he whispered, “there’s Mr. Jones over there. You won’t mind if 1 go over and dine with him. will you? Think how fine it will be if I go back from my wedding trip with a smashing big order.” The little bride agreed, rather ruefully. The commercial traveller hurried over to Jones, shook hands with him, and ordered his dinner, which included roast lamb. Then he began to talk business. He was so earnest about it that he didn't notice when the waiter removed his meat dishes and placed dessert before him. Then suddenly he looked down at his plate and exclaimed:— "Why, where's my lamb?” A little voice over in the corner piped out, "Here I am, dear.”

Forgiveness Impossible. Channing Pollock, the author, and the Meesris. Shubert have been exchanging court esins. The other evening at a banquet Mr. Pollock eaid: "1 read place for the Shuberts for two years—may .God forgive me!” Whereupon the Shuberts replied: "God may forgive him, but we never will either for tlmec he reeomniended or for those he turned down.”

The Process, A revival was being held at a small coloured Baptist church in southern Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to stand up. One old darky remained sitting.

"Don’ yo' want y’ soul washed w'ite ns snow, Brudder Jones?” "Mah soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson.” "Wlmli wuz yo’ soul washed ’wite as snow, Brudder Jones?” “Over yonder to de Methodis’ chu'cli acrost de railroad.” "Lawd God, Brudder Jones, yo’ soul «a’nt washed —li’it were dry-cleaned.”

Up-to-date. A customer in a butcher's shop stood gazing at some small alligators* in an aquarium. Having turned the matter over in his mind, the customer approached the butcher and exclaimed, “I suppose a body might as well be dead as out of style. Give me a couple of pounds of alligator.” <s><s>•©■ Who He Was. A small boy with a rather lost and lonesome appearance walked into the county clerk's office at the court house. He gazed about him for a time and finally approached Deputy Henry Smiley. "Please, sir,” the lad said timidlv,

"have you seen anything of a lady around here?” "Why, yes, sonny,” an-overed Smiley, "I've seen several.” "Well, have you seen any without a little boy?” the lad "tasked anxiously. "Yes,” replied Smiley. "Well,” said the little chap, as a relieved look crossed hi* face. "I'm the little boy. Where’s the lady?”

No Such Luck. A certain man stayed out much later at night than his wife liked, and as he would never tell her where he had been she got their little boy to ask him. One morning at breakfast the youngster said, "Dad, where were you last night?” "Well, if you must know, I was sitting with a sick friend.” "Oh! Did your sick friend die?” “What an absurd question! Of course he didn’t die.” "Oh, but did you hold your sick friend's hand?” . “No,” answered the father, "how fool ish you are! Of course I didn’t.” And then he added with a far-way look in his eyes, “I wish to Heaven I had. He held four aces.” She Told Him. During dinner a young Frenchman wa* seated next to a fine-looking yomi” woman who was wearing a gown \vhi<-'-display her beautiful arms. *‘| . ~ near not being here to-night,” said she "I was vaccinated a few days ago ami it gives me considerable annovainc*. The young foreigner gazed al the white arms of the speaker. "Is that so?'' h replied. "Where were you vaccinated" The girl smiled demurely and said "In Wellington.” Genins. An artist who spent a great part of his life in the Latin Quarter tells of tin frugality of a Freiiehimin who lived or a pension of live Irniies a week, involv ing a curious system, which the French man thus explained: “Ect is simple, varie simple! Sunda; I go to zee house of a good friend, an. zero I dine so extraordinaire and eat s. vaire much I need no more till Vedncs day. On that I have at my rcßtaurom one large, vaire large, dish of tripe on? some onion. I abhor ze tripe, yes, »n< ze onion also, and togezzer they ntak> me so ill as I have no more any appetit till Sunday. Eet is vaire simple!”