Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVIII, Issue 21, 20 November 1912, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

&RWE. GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

What Would Yon Do ? ILKINS wa-j an enthusiastic // | golfer, and when hi- friend Johnson met him coining away from the link's a day or two ago lie was in a terrible frame of mind. "What's happened, old fellow?” asked Johnson amiably’. "Everything’s happened! - ’ .growled Wilkins.- "It’s enough to make one give up golf and go m for fishing. That ass Eii/.noodle has been running all over the course, ami actually crossed niy tee just its I was about, to make a lovely drive. What would you have done had you been in my place!” "Well,” he replied with a smile, "seeing that liecrossed your T’ 1 think [ would have dotted his ‘i.’” ■* Grounds for Divorce. A lawyer tells this.one; "A woman came up to my office the other day and wanted- to know if slm • onld get a divorce because her husband didn’t believe in the Bible. I told her that unless she had something else on him there would be no use in bringing suit, ' . • I ‘Hut he’s an absolute infidel!’ she insisted. . ' “ ‘That makes no difference,’ said J. " ‘Doesn't it, indeed '’ she cried, trimnphanlly. 'Well, you are a line lawyer, I must say. Thio law says, that infidelily, if proved, is a ground for divorce!’” $ 4>. The Hero. /■-, ' Of brave deeds done upon the battleli' ld and amid the’thunder of cannons and the cries of the wounded and dying, of heroes of the Victoria Cross, and great generals who rose from small beginnings, tlie teaehe? told her class, firing them with enthusiasm for their mother eoini-

try. "Please, miss,” cried one little girl excitedly, "my father was in the Boer war!” "And did he light in any of the battles?” inquired the teacher. "Oh, yes,” answered the little maid. “’E was at Graspan an’ Modder River an’ L’ardyburg, an’ ” "And was he wounded in any of them?” pursued the teacher. The little girt's face fell. "No, miss, he

wasn’t wounded,” she replied. And then she ’ hrightem-d again. "But, please, miss; 'e hint u awful ’eadiiche!” <J> 4> A Sure Sign. There was a sound of revelry by night. The Bloggs were giving a party. Air. Bloggs had just obliged with the touching ballad, '"Tis larvc that Makes the

World Go Round,” and Master Bloggs seized the opportunity to.’jjieafk behind the screen with father’s ’ Shortly aft’erwyirds it was observed tlult Willie wasn't well. His face was jiallid, and his eyes stood out. ,' Cried <out Mrs. Bloggs; "Goodness, child, what’s the matter? I do believe you have been smoking!"’ Willie feebly shook his head. "’Taint that, ma,” he replied untruthfully. "If it's true what father’s been singing about, 1— I must-—be—in—-love! ” •J> i- •$> An Ingenious Native. In J. M. Mowbray’s recent volume, "Tn Central Africa, " ho tells of a Euro

x pean foreman of a gang of natives doing piek-and-shovel work, who possessed, like Commodore Good, R.N., a glass eye. This he used to place on a rock in full view of the natives, and then retire to sleep in a shady spot. For some days this device kept them hard al work; but eventually an ingenious native hit on the idea of covering tjie eye with a hat, after which the others all knocked

off work until shortly before the foreman returned ‘ from his nap. Major and Minor. Smith ami Jones were discussing the question of who should be the head’ of the house the man or the woman. “1 am the head of my establishment/’ said Jones, “f am the breadwinner. Why shouldn’t I be?’’ “Well/’ replied Smith, “before my wife and I were married we made an agreement that I should make the rulings in ail major things, my wife in all the minor.” "How has it worked? ’ queried Jones. Smith smiled. “So far,’* he replied, "mi major matters have come up.’’ Not Drnnk. In moonshine districts, where the whisky looks like water ami is drunk like >vater, strange ideas prevail as to what intoxication really is. In a village one Saturday afternoon, a man lay in the boiling sun in the middle of the road with an .empty bottle by his side. "He’s drunk; lock him up,” the sherilV said. But a woman interposed hastily, “No. ho ain’t drunk/’ she said. "I jest seen his lingers move.*’ •$> e- ?► One for His Grace. He was a real live duke, ami a big employer of labour. Bob Willet never eared to earn his broad by the sw<*at of his brow, and it was small wonder that his dural lord and master took occasion to inform him that his wrvices would be no long»T required. Bob was bitterly averse to suvh treatment, ami resolved to have it out with "the dix»k.’’ A favourite opportunity presented itself to his mind, for had not the dm hess been appointed Lads in Wait jug to the Queen? "All right, yer grace.” he said. sar<‘:is. tie al Is, “I’ll go, even if it’s against the grain. But 111 say this to you, sir—though I’m a |s>or man. I’ve never had to send my missus out to service, ami that’s morv’n some |M*»iplc can sa\ !*• ; .