Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVIII, Issue 16, 16 October 1912, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

A Great Athlete. /"TA ICKY and Pat had been at 111 school together, but had drifted apart in after life. / They met one day and the conversation turned on athletics. "Did you. ever meet my brother Dennis?” asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a Marathon race.” "That’s fine” said Mike. "But did I ever tell you about my uncle at Ballythomas?” Pat agreed that be could not call him to mind. "Well,” continued Mike, "he’s got a gold medal for live miles, and one for ten miles, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, and a lot of badges for boxing and cycling.” "He must bo a great athlete, indado,” said I’at. “You’re wrong,” cried Mike. “ITe keeps a pawnshop!’ Never Beaten. Ono of the reputations which the American has abroad is that he can always top anything he sees in Europe by something he has at home. An Italian was showing an American friend about Italy, and had not had much success in arousing his enthusiasm. If he showed the Campanile, the American said “We've got a. monument in Washington two hundred feet higher.” If he showed him Hie Coliseum, ho remarked “The audtvniiuni at Chicago is bigger.” Finally Italian showed' him Vesuvius In •“option, and thought surely that must *®ir his awe. But the American, after gazing foV a moment at the burning ’nountain, said, "We’ve got a waterfall m America that would put that out in five minutes.”

He Has It Yet. A doctor, according to the story, (saw, late one night, a fine automobile halted outside a cemetery. He hid behind a trees, for ho suspected that bodysnatchers were at work; ami, sure enough, in a few minutes he saw two ugly characters stagger from the cemetery carrying a body. They placed it upright in the automobile, as though it were alive, propping it securely in the back seat, and then they hurried back to the cemetery to fill the violated grave again. Tlie doctoy in their absence'lifted the body out of the automobile, hid it under a hedge, and took its place himself. Soon the scoundrels returned. One seated himself at the wheel and the other fixed himself in the back seat beside the body, so as to support it. Then, in the darkness, they glided oil. After a while live man in the rear seat said in a rather awed tone: “This body seems mighty warm for a corpse.” The chauffeur reached back his hand and touched it. “Don’t it, though!” he muttered, between perplexity and fear. Then the corpse, in deep, sepulchral tofnec, exclaimed :"\Varm? Of eourno I'm warm! And if you had been where I’ve been for the last twoj days you’d be warm, too!” With loud yells of horror the body-snatchers leaped from the automobile ami fled. The doctor seized the wheel ami drove it home, lie has it, they say, still. <£•s><?> It Had Been Read. First Jeweller: “1 have had proved to me that advertising brings results.” Second .Jeweller: "How?” First Jeweller: "Yesterday evening I advertised for a watchman, amt during the night my shop was ransacked by burglars.”

Some People. Two friends who hadn’t seen each other for several years met again as neighbours in a new suburban district. "Hullo, Jim! Wlio'd have thought of seeing you! Who are yon working for now ?” “Same people,” was the cheery response, "a wife and live children.”

The Brute. They weri* diisrnseiiig where to go for the holidays. “George, dear,” she said, "have you forgotten th.it trip to Brittany you promised to take me on that trip to pirtl.resijne < 'oiiearneaii. with its innumerable bine sardine nets drying in the Breto-i sun?” The husband, looking up from his paper with a «eowL thundered: "Ye», I’ve forgotten it. Haven’t you?” The poor lady’o eyes filled with tears, and she stammered: "Yes, 1 I have forgotten, now lh.it you remind me.”

Crushing. He Was an edition de luxe lady-killer. The girl in the sea t opposite him was eaey to look at. Further, she looked demure and shy and impressionable. It wasn’t long before he had things going right—ho thought. He had raised llm window for her and readjusted the blind; he had fished her bag from under Hie seat, where the porter had shoved it; lie had placed her pillow in a better position for her; ho had handed her a magazine ; he had looked after her comfort in every way ho possibly could, and she had been very sweet about it besides. He thought he was coming along splendidly. She started to get oil’ the train before ho expected her to leave, but be carried her luggage tu the platform for her. Then she turned and handed him a penny with a sweet; smile and the remark : " I think it. is so nice of the railway company to furnish an assistant porter.” •♦> •«> 3> The Limit. A woman was informed she had Appendicitis and would have Io be operated on at once. Much frightened, she reluctantly consented and was conveyed to thel operating room. One of the doctors hail commenced to adminsler the ether ami her eyes were closing languidly, when ho discovered he had forgotten to inquire if she had false teeth. He quickly removed the rubber cap, ami shaking her slightly, lie said : " Have you anything loose in your mouth ?” Then, as he . made a move to put his hand in her month, she opened her eyes wildly and exclaimed : “ Nothing but my longue, doctor, and. for God’s sake, don't cut that out, too!” ■J- <s> ■?> Beyond All That. Fierce Man: 1 don't like the way you run your paper at all. Editor: Are you one of the owners? Fierce Man: No. Editin': An advertiser, perhaps? Fierce Man: No. indeed. Editor: A contributor, possibly? Fierce Man: Not much. I'm a subscriber. See! Editor: Oh, we no longer consider subscribers.