Weather-wit.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVII, Issue 4, 24 January 1912, Page 44

Weather-wit.

It is probable that the weather, more especially the British variety, has been the occasion of more humour —goodhumour and ill-humour—than any other institution. The small boy’s definition in li’s school essay, “The weather is a thing you talk about when you have B“t L- c anything else to say,” ignores the essential importance of the weather. It .s not only a great subject—it is also a great joke. The remark one hears to the effect that "This weather’s no joke” is not to be taken seriously. And that other remark, “Funny weat- ir we’re having,” enshrines a literal truth. “The weather,” one humorist has written, “is like the Government, al-w.i.-in the wrong. In summer-time we say it i- stifling; in winter that it is killing: in spring and autumn we find fen! - , with it for being neither the one thing nor the other, and wish it would make up its mind. If it is fine we say the ountry is being ruined for want of rain: if it does rain we pray for fine weather. If December passes without s:.. \ we indignantly demand to know what has become of our good oldfa h nevi winters, and talk as if we had l-i 11 cheated out of something that we 1.;..! bought and paid for; and when it do- - -now our language is a disgrace to r. < hristian nation. We shall never be .uii' nt until each man makes his own ■ ■ ’her and keeps it to himself,” says tie "Strand.” It was Mark Twain who wrote a book . prefaced it with a few meteoro--1 il descriptions: "The weather eont <tn- 1 in this booh.” Then lie asked • e reader to select therefrom his own -r for any particular period of the As to old. we have been told of a place where the cows froze stiff all the wint-v. and when spring came they th < .cd out and supplied the inhabitants wit : irerresni ill the -.miner Pvdney Rmith 1 - leaeribed . 1 ... •>..» that h G»li 1 to strip off lu< tle-h and sit In h’« hones. There bare been times

so wet that the very ducks began to climb trees, and fogs so thick that a man kissed a pretty neighbour in mistake for his own wife or sister. It is a transatlantic humorist who reminds us of the probable experience of Noah’s contemporaries of the weather prophecy. He, of course, had prophesied “Fine weather,” and then came the Deluge. But very humorist has had a shot at the weather, and no country has been so prolific in weather humour as our own, unless, indeed, it is America, where meteorological vagaries are almost as trying as with us. Thackeray wrote an amusing paper on "How to Ascertain the Weather,” full of useful hints. "Perhaps the best method.” he wrote, “of ascertaining the fact of its being warm or eold is to go out into the air; but, if you are unable to do this, and a person coming in from out of doors is seen to rub his hands you may presume that the atmosphere is chilly. When the water-carts are particularly active you may expect rain; and if a flash of lightning is visible, prepare for thunder.” This joke is a perennial one. “When you see the advertisement of a flower show, it would be prudent to provide yourself on the day named with an umbrella. "If your water has not come into your cistern you may conclude there has been frost, unless you happen to be in arrears with your rates, when the phenomenon may otherwise be accounted for.” "What you need,” once remarked a doctor to his patient, “is change of climate.” "Change of dimate!” cried the man. 'That’s what’s the matter with me. If the climate would only keep the same a few days running I would be all right.” This mutability of the weather reminds one of the indignant customer who returned to the shopman saying: — “Look here, that barometer you sold me a month ago has got out of order. It won’t work.” "No wonder, sir. Look what a lot of weather it’s ’ad lately!” A century and a half ago people used to depend upon the weather prognostications of Partridge’s Almanac One day Partridge himself put np at a country inn for dinner. The hostler advised. him to stay the night, ns it would certainly rain. “Nonsense!” said Partridge, and proceeded on his way. Soon a heavy shower fell, which so

impressed the traveller that he instant!, rode back to the inn and offered the hostler half a crown if he would tell him how he knew rain was imminent.

“Well,” replied the man, with a grin, pocketing the coin, "the truth is ws have Partridge’s Almanac here; and he’s such a liar that whenever he promises a fine day we know it will be foul. To-day is set down as fine.” The wea-ther-prophet, like many other weatherprophets before and since, passed on discomfited.

It will be remembered that the illustrious Mr Dooley, after much cogitation, eame to the conclusion, which he confided to his friend Hennessy, that

"There’s two kinds iv weather —human weather and weather-bureau weather.”

"No wan knows,” continued the philosopher, “what causes bureau weather. No wan knows what causes human weather. Hogan says th’ seasons is caused be th’ sun movin’ fr’m th’ thropic of Cancer to th’ thropie iv Capsicorn, an’ whin ’tis in wan plac-e, we suffer fr’m th’ cold, an’ thats winter, an’ when ’tis in th’ other place we suffer fr’m th’ heat, an’ that’s summer. Hogan says it, but Hogan can’t tell yon why, if that’s so, th’ days don’t get hotter from March

sthraight through to October. Some people says th’ summer's caused be fires in th’ bowls iv th’ earth, where hell used to be whin I was a boy; but if ye believe that, why ain’t we cooked th’ year round? Father Kelly thinks ’tis th’ spots on th’ sun does it, an’ Schwarzmeister thinks ’tis th’ brewer’s agent. Ivervbody has a guess, an’ wan man’s guess is as good as another. That’s our weather.

“Th’ Weather Bureau ought to lave it alone an’ sthiek to its own, that rains whin they’se a high pressure in Maine, an’ snows whin they’se a low pressure in Texas. Th’ Weather Bureau weather is good parlor weather, but th’ kind we have to dhrive sthreet-ears in is out-iv-dure weather, subject to the rigors of th’ climate. The Weather Bureau's weather is on a map and our weather is in th’ air. That’s why th’ pro-fisser fails an’ Claneys leg is a great success. 'Tis an out-iv-dure leg.” “I don’t believe in anny kind iv weather prognosifieations,” said Mr Hennessy. “Well,” said Mr Dooley, “if I was goin’ into th’ business I niver wu-I prophesy till th’ day afther.” There are some interesting examples of philosophy as regards the weather as for instance, that of Mr Pegram’s

bus conductor, who congratulates himself upon the absence of flies in winter. There is nothing to beat the story of the American tourist who capie across a man out West sitting on a stump. “How’s the weather treating you?” he asked. "Pretty tolerable, stranger,” replied the man. "I had some trees to cut down, but a cyclone came along and levelled them for me.’ ‘That was a piece of luck,” cried the tourist. “Yes; and then,” continued the man, “there was a storm, and the lightning set fire to the brushwood an 1 saved me the trouble of burning it.” “Remarkable! But what are you doing now!” “Oh, I'm just waiting for an earthquake to tome along and shake the potatoes out of the ground.” Once an old Scots weather-prophet at Whittinghame informed Mr Balfour that “It’s gaun to rain seventy-twa. days, sir.”

“Come, eome,” said the statesman. “Surely the world was entirely flooded in forty days.” “Aye, aye!” was the response; “but the warld'wasn’ se weel drained as it is noo.”