Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVII, Issue 4, 24 January 1912, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

McDonald’s Modesty. / J* f a dinner in a small town in { | Scotland it was found that y 1 everyone had contributed to the evening’s entertainment but a certain Hr. McDonald. “Come, •come, Dr. McDonald,’ said the chairman; “we cannot let you escape.” The doctor protested that he could not sing. “My voice is altogether unmusical, and resembles the sound caused by the act of rubbing bricks along the panels of a door.” Tire company attributed this to the doctor 5 ? modesty. Good singers, he was reminded, always needed a lot of pressing. “Very well,” said the doctor, “if you tan stand it, I will sing.” Long before he had finished his audience was uneasy. There was a painful silence as the doctor sat down, broken at. length by the voice of a candid Scot at the end of the table. “Man!” he exclaimed, “your singin”s no up to much, but your veracity’s just, awful. You’re right about that brick!” <s><s■«► Good Listeners. The Politician jumped up anl began, “Gentleman, Herodotus tells us— —” •Which ticket’s he on?’ yelled the man with the red shirt. ‘Herodotus tells us,’ the vote-seeker resumed with a gulp, ‘of a whole army that was put to flight by the braying of an ass.’ The crowd applauded and the speaker felt fine. Then the man’s Voice rose above the din. ‘Young feller,’ he called, ‘you needn’t be afraid for thio crowd. it’s been tested.’ 1

About a Pair of “ Pants.” A Detroit man, who had contributed a bundle of his easf-off clothing for the relief of the victims of the Minnesota fire, received from one of the sufferers the following note: — “The eommitty man give me, amungst other things wat he .called a pare of pants, and twould make me pant some to ware em. 1

found your name and ware you live m one of the pokits. My wife lafl'ed so when I shode em to her that I thot she wood have a conipsliun fit. She wants to no if there lives and bretlies a man who Ims legs no bigger than that. She sed if there was he orler be taken up for vagrancy for having no visible means of support. I coldent get em on my oldest boy, so I used em for gun cases. If you hay another pare to spare, my wife would like to get em to hang up by the side of the fireplace to keep the tongs in.”

Permanent Wax’-paint. The new football rule making it imperative for a goalkeeper to wear a distinguishing jersey led to an amusing incident at a junior match in the Midlands recently. When the visiting team came on the field their goalkeeper, a. youth of gigantic proportions, was seen to be wearing a jersey of the same flaring colours as the rest of the .side. “You must get another jersey,” ordered the referee, amt the player trotted back to the pavilion. Baek he came in five minutes, still wearing the attending garment. "There ain’t another jersey in the place half big enough,” he explained.

"Thon you'll have to play without one,’’ snapped the autocrat of the whistle, whose temper was not sweetened by waiting about in a cold drizzle. When the young giant once more reappeared on the field with his team’s colours still in evidence, the patience of the official quite gave way. “If you don’t change that jersey I’ll order yon. off the field!” he bellowed. ,*T ain’t got no jersey on, mister,” came the reply. “I’ve been wearin’ the blessed thing ns an undershirt nil the week, and the bloomin' dye’s come out!”

“ We Part for Ever.” Her Ideks were in wild disorder. Her face was flushed, and her eyes flashing. She clenched and unclenched her fingers in an agony of despair! Unless her looks belied her, she was a deeply-'njur-ed woman. Iler indignation and anger wore allied with deep despondency. “ Cruel one—oh. cruel one ? ” she cried, in anguished tones. “ I havq borne with you too long ! You have injured me; you have tortured me, ipid yet 1 could not bear to give you up ! “ When fust we met. how your east: and polish attracted me ! ” she continued. “ When you became my very own, how my friends envied me ! But your understanding is too small for my large soul ! You have ruined my standing in society ! If we had never met I might have walked in peace ! So now begone ! Me part for ever ! ’ There came a moment’s convulsive breathing, a gritting of teeth, ami a sharp sigh. It was all over. The tragedy was ended. By an almost superhuman effort she had pulled off her je * shoe. Awkward, Recently, a dinner was given to Oscar Straus in honour of his long career of public service. Naturally, Theodore Roosevelt was present, and wps one of the first called upon for a speech (says the New York "Evening Post”), With little preamble, the ex President launch* ed into an appreciation of his ex-Cabinet officer’s public record. "Believe me, geitf lenten,” he said, “when 1 called Mr. Straus to my Cabinet. I was considering no questions of religion or race or station. I was considering only his fitness for the office to which 1 had elected him. Neither as tierman nor as Jew ■was .Mr. Straus called to my Cabinethut simply as a man most fitted for the position.” The next speaker was Jacob H. Sehiff, who, as cverybdy knows, is a bit deaf and-at limes absent-minded. After the proper greetings, the financier began slowly, ".My friends,” he said, “when Mr. Roosevelt wrote and asked me whom I considered the best Jew for the position ”