Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVI, Issue 22, 22 November 1911, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE,

Very Unfortunate. l-D Mr. and Airs. Smiley were K 9 f giving their annual party, and Mr. Smiley was making his usual speech. ! <>r forty years have my good wife fnil 1 travelled hand-in-hand down life’s tliornv path,” he said. “In all those Avars not one single harsh, hasty, unkind word has passed our lips. Isn’t that true, mother?” ■’Alolher” had quietly fallen asleep on . sofa, and as he laid his hand earess’J’S'.v si her shoulder she snorted deliantly. and said, sharply: — up yourself and light the fire, a,tl, * lit it last, and I’ll see von far W'ougb before J’ll do it this morning, Von Oh, o ],_ | —j—why, I must “aye dropped oil to sleep.!” -Mid I think you’d better have stayed l-ily,” hissed Samuel into her ear. © © © p «a< and Quiet. , R : McDonald, of Washington, 1 iaini a lew riiiles outside of the il'ni i " ' ' a l' e .tiie diin and noise of town, ■ • ■ soon tired of the trouble of look- - .or the place. “I’m going to hire. • ii. i.iyer to look after the farm,” he in,.' ,j'" n a ii breakfast one morntioiil I i" * "O'l't have any more ton'i' 1 ’ can oeeu Py ■> room on the a,ld " e "ill a ll have a quiet, ' McDonald leaned back and imu! F '' rp iiely in anticipation of the tlm "Y ai,f l P eacfl - . That night as li ill 11 " .”.' aila 8 er passed through the at..,., v ’ " ay "PStairs. McDonald to i ' ait an ' l as ked bim if he eared van’-'' t l . e afternoon paper. “Xo,thank i’,,"' 1 '"l* 1 , tlle fount of rest and quiet, tiee t 1 “feo" which I always uraet»o hours before going to bed?”

Cook Objected. A noble lord in the Midland Counties has a favourite mare named “The Cook,” apropos of which the following incident recently occurred: — J-ord (to groom, who appears with his arm in a sling and his face covered with sticking-plaster and scratches): “Good heavens, Bates! What’s the matter?” Bates: “It’s all on account of your lordship's orders. You says to me last night as ’ow ‘The Cook’s’ girths was too tight, ami you gave me orders to loosen ’em, wdsh ’er down, curry-comb ’er, and put 'er in the loose box. Cook, wot’s indool's, overheard you, and, as she don’t know the name of the ’osses, tuk it personal and went for me suddenlike—and—er—well, look at me!”

“My. bow the ear slips ami slides! I must discharge this chiTulYeur.” “ But perhaps he'll improve if you give him a chance.” - , - “Impossible. llis name is Skidmore.”

A Bold Man. With the air of one who has not a moment to spare, she bustled into a bookshop. “ 1 want a book for my husband, please,” she began. “ It’s his birthday, and I.want it for a present. He'll be forty-four next week, so show’ mo quick what you have. 1 want nothing expensive, nor yet cheap, lie's a mild mannered man, and not fond of sports. So don't show me anything in that lino, and for goodness’ sake don't oiler me any of those trashy novels ; and, no matter how you may try to persuade me, I wont have anything in the line of history or biography. Come, I am in a hurry ; can't you suggest something suitable after 1 have told yomwliat kind of a husband he is ? ’’ The assistant lifted down a small volume from one of the shelves. “Yes, ma’am,” he answered,. “ I think I hgve the very thing. Here is a little book entitled ‘‘l low to Manage a Talking Machine.’” © & & Wonderful Combination. A story is told of an American who, visiting in Dublin, was conducted to the cathedral which had been restored by the Guinness family of brewers, then to the schools which they had built, and lastly to the great brewery. “This is really wonderful.” said the Yankee. “You seem to run education, salvation, and damnation all in one show.” £ © © No More News. The new reporter was assigned to gather the news in a rather unimportant suburb. lie did fairly well for a few days though ho was terribly late in getting his copy up. But on the fourth day he came in earlier than usual. He was visibly excited, and he wrote rapidly. Finaliy he took his stull to the city editor's desk, and said. “ May 1 go now, sir ? ’’ l iie city editor looked over tho copy. ‘‘Mr. Brown is thinking of building a m w house." “Mr. B. F. Jones has started on his vacation.” “ \ new drinking fountain is proposed for Front Street.” And so on. ” Is this all yon have ? ’’ asked the city editor. “Yes. sir,” answered the reporter. “ J just left

and there wasn't another bit of news.” “All right yon can go. But what makes you in such a hurry ? ” “W hv. a man miirdc red his wife, just as I was leaving ami I want to go out and help lynch him .’ ” Vivid. “If there is anything I am proud of,” said the actress, ‘it j s the ilescriptive powers of my sex. (Ince, when 1 was playing in Pittsburg, my besf (hum went out to inspect some locomotive works, and here is how she described it when she got home: ‘Aim-pour.* she said, ‘a, lot of sand into a lot of boxes, and you throw old stove-lids and things into a furnace, and then you empty the molten stream into a boh* in the -ami. and everybody yells ami swears. Then you pour it our. let it cool ami pound it, ami then you put in i; a thing that bores boles in it. Then you senwv it together, and paint it. and put steam in it. and it goes splendidly, and they take it to a drafting room ami make a blue print of it. Bui one thing I forgot -they have to make a boiler. Ono man gets inside and one gets outside, and they pound f right full v. and then they tie it to the other thing, and you ought to see it go!’” © © © Rising to the Occasion. At the club lunch the Man-w ho hadju«4 come-back was telling of bis experiences. At one of our possessions in < hina a lady had exhausted the European ’community with her missionary efforts, and purse strings were tightly drawn. Struck with the splendour of a sudden thought she went oil to try the native community, and calle.l on a rich merchant, Mr. Ah Sing. She asked for Mrs. Ah Sing. Into the ‘‘T'urope drawing room" sailed a st at eh' woman unmistakably English. “I am afraid," said the lady with a mission, “there is some mistake; 1 asked for Mrs. Ah Sing.” “I am Mrs. Ab sin.g,” -aid the other with dignity. The collector'of subscriptions gasped, but rose to the occasion brilliantly. *1 am so glad to meet you,” said, shaking hands warmly. “Do you know. I have a sister that marriei * Scotsman I*