Our Funny Page

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XVLI, Issue 10, 6 September 1911, Page 72

Our Funny Page

REMINISCENT E. The boy bethought himself of a great many remarkable things which were not. taking 'place all about him. And right shrewdly. ‘‘For those,” quoth he, with wisdom beyond his years, ’"are what one need •bo prepared fondly to recall in one’s old age.” Voice from Beneath Hat: Is that you, Mr. Smithers? Smithers: Yes. by Jove! Who is it? The Voice: Jt’s me Miss -de Style. I thought it was you by your trousers. I’ve lo&t my way. Would you mind taking me home or calling a taxi?

Mary Join’s (to the doctor's daughter): ‘’You needn't lie so stuck up, if you are going to the seaside. If all of us hadn’t the measles, p'raphs you’d have had to stay at home!”

Clara: Me says he thinks 1 am the nicest girl in town. Shall 1 ask him to call? (Sarah: No,dear; let him keep on thinking 80. ‘‘Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist hi ins el f.” “As to how?” “Got his salary raise. l six months ago, and his wife hasn’t found it out yet.”

finest (after a p.irticnlarly ?>:<! lunch): “There is one thing on your table which is unsurpassed in the finest hotels in London.” Seaside Hotel Proprietor: “Very kind of you to say so, sir. May I ask what you refer to?” Guest: “The anltl” .Loudon Opinion.

WEAR AND TEAR. Randall: You say you’ve been making love every minute for weeks. You look pretty well. Rogers; Yes, but you ought to see the girls! Griggs: "Weren’t you surprised that the customs inspector didn't find those things you smuggled in? Briggs: O, no; my wife stowed them away. She can pack things in a trunk where she can’t even Hud them hersel f. “How queer Agnes looks of late!” “Yes. I can’t make out whether it’s dress reform or hard luck.”

BETTER. Willie: All the stores closed on the day my uncle died. Tommy: '1 hat's nothing. All the hanks closed for three weeks the day after my pa left town. He: You certainly have a trim little waist. She: Yes; there’s no getting around that!

Gracious, what <is all that crape for?” 1 had a chance to get it at a bargain, and, you know, my husband "ors in for flying! °

A RISING PROFESSION

‘■What’s your friend’s business?” “ Oh, he’s a discoverer of new Rembrandts.” “You have kept my nose to the grindstone, -Sarepta,” spoke her husband, nerving himself up to say something at last, "for fifteen years.” “I’ve done more than that, Volney,” snapped Airs. Vick-Senn. “I have made you turn the grindstone.”

Harold: “I know that I’m not worthy of you, darling” fair One: “Remem-ber that, Harold, and my married life is sure to b’ hi

THE INTERN LEW. ‘/What did that stat: sin an say. when you asked him for an interview?”* “Very little,” replied the scrihih “What’s that big bundle of nianu.script?”* That’s what he’ll think he sail, when I get it written out.” The Duchess of Blankshire (who has mails a poor drive). A little too much to the right, .I’m afraid. Obsequious ITofessional (who is instructing the Duchess). <>, not at all, your (trace; the hole has been cut too much to the left. Waters: lie 4ms suffered more than most men. Whitford: In what way? Waters: Four of his daughters sing and an only sou plays the cornet.

SURE WAY.

Wflfia: I wonder if there will ever be Universal peace. Gillis: Sure. All they’ve got to do H to get the nations to agree that in ease of war the winner pays the pensions.

Preaelier: Where are you going, V:g] 9 Eben? You are all fussed up!—Uncle Eben: Going down to New York. ing back with something that will Surprise you, too.—Preacher: What’s t’ .itf —Uncle Eben: Got a letter from a feller down there offerin me a chance to buy an autograph copy of the Bible f r £.j.

Doctor: You're bound to get well ,o u can’t help yourself. The statistics si'iogr that one of every hundred eases like yours recovers—l’ve treated ninety-nine and everyone has died.”

DEADLY NICOTINE

Some years ago in Indiana one of the questions in an examination was: “What is nicotine?” The answer given was: “Nicotine is so deadly a poison that a drop on the end of a dog’s tail will kill a man.”

“James is a physical wreck.” “Why, he used to have a strong constitution.” “Yes, but the doctors have amended it several times.”

THE SEASHORE IDOL. “Why, Ethel, did yon notice W’i .this seaside hotel advertises to i*u* young men escorts?” "1 know the kind. They are -’ill silly sissies, that a girl feel like a cli i 1 on every time she walks out wi ll I c ■ Singing Teacher: Now, children. ■'& us “Little Drops of Water,” ami put some spirit in it. Principal (whispering): Careful, sir. -This is a temperance school. Say \‘t some ginger in it.” Kalem: Duler seems to be looked upmi as tlia most famous man in J'”“ town; what is the reason? Silig- 9 was the first inhabitant to mortgag “** home to buy an airship.