Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVI, Issue 1, 5 July 1911, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

Too Long, Anyhow. 0 / [" N Irishman -came into a barber f | shop, and the unsteady gait J I with which he approached the chair showed that he had been imbibing of the produce of the still. He wanted his hair cut, and while the barber was getting him ready went off into a sleep. His head kept bobbing from one side to the other, and at length the barber in making a snip cut off the lower part of his ear. The barber jumped about and howled and a crorrd of neighbours rushed in. Finally the demonstration became so great that it began to attract the attention of the man in the chair, and he opened one eye and said, “Wh-wh-at’s the matter wid yez?”, "Good Lord!” said the barber, "I’ve cut off the whole lower part of your ear.” "Have ye? Ah, thin, go on wid yer business—it was too long, anyhow!” <s> <J> <s> Very Unfortunate. A very absent-minded lawyer engaged a taxicab. On the way to the court he overtook the judge, plodding along on foot through rain and mud, and he halted and invited his honour to ride with him. The judge accepted the invitation, the taxicab duly readied the courthouse, and the absent-minded lawyer* hopped out and ran upstairs to get ready the papers for a petition he was to present. But when the court opened and the petition was presented to the judge, who had been so courteous in the cab a few minutes before, no\v repulsed the lawyer coldly and contemptuously. As the poor fellow stood stupified, * crier whispered to him: “Do you knowj What you did? You ran in and left hi* honour to pay for the taxicab.”

A Defeat. A certain sceptic was contending before a minister that the work of the Creator was minifestly imperfect. “Have you not yourself,” he asked, “noted defects in the human organism, for instance, and thought of better contrivances’?” To his delight there was a frank reply, “Why, yes, I really think I have.” .. “In what respect?” “Why,” drawled the parson, “you see, when I want to shut out anything disagreeable from my sight, I can draw down my eyelids, and it's all done; but, unfortunately, I haven’t any flaps to my ears.” Free conversation ceased at about’ that point.

Abbreviations. A colonel of a British regiment in

South Africa who was repairing a railroad after one of General De Wet’s many breakages discovered a fine empty house which he proceeded to occupy as headquarters. When the news of the colonel’s comfortable quarters reached Bloemfontein he received a telegram which read: “G. T. M. wants house.” The colonel was unable to make out what “G. T. M.” meant and inquired of officers, who translated it “general traffic manager.” “All right,” said the colonel. “If he can use hieroglyphics, so can I.” So he wired back: “G. T. M. can G. T. II.” Two days later he received a despatch from Bloemfontein ordering him to attend a board of inquiry. On appearing in due course he was asked what he meant by sending such an insulting message to a superior officer. “Insulting?” repeated the colonel innocently. “It was nothing of the kind.” “But what do you mean,” demanded his superior “by telling me 1 can ‘G. T. H.’ ?” “It was simply an abbreviation,” replied the colonel; “G. T. M. (general traffic manager) can G. T. 11. (get the house).”

Blasted Hopes. The two brothers had been apart foi years, but .Tack contrived to return from the colonies in time for the family reunion. After the dinner, which was of such a kind as to make the wanderer realise that there is indeed “no place like home,” Jack drew his brother aside, and over a big cigar produced a photograph and said somewhat sheepishly: “You see that group? You see that little girl in the front row? Well, it's on her account that I’ve come home. Man. she’s perfect. Her face has been before me in all my wanderings and \ determined that I would make a fortune and then come home and lay it at her feet. Yes, I know it w.is an odd fancy to take, but there. I am like that. And now that I’ve made the money I’ve come to you to help me find her.” "My dear fellow.” said Fred, kindly; “don’t take it to heart; but ” “She’s married?” “It's not that; but that is a photo of young Tom Mason. He’s a member of our amateur dramatic club; and when that was taken he was tilling a gap by taking a girl’s part.” <£<•><s> A Good Idea. A New York girl visiting recently in Philadelphia was taken to the opera hy a young man. and at the tfose of the performance was asked to partake of some slight refreshment in the way of supper. CShe accepted the Invitation, and at the conclusion of the repast was somewhat astonished to see her escort reach lor her pocket-book, which lay on the table at her side, and coolly pay the bill out of her money. This, it seems is customary in Philadelphia when a young gentleman’s means arc somewhat limited. It relieves his lady friend* of the embarrassment they might otherwise feel on partaking of any entertainment at his cost. It struck the New York girl, however, as being very ridiculous. and she began to laugh. “I fear you arc laughing at my expense,” said the young man; “let me explain.” “Oh, no,” she replied, “I am laughing at my ♦xpenae.”