Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLV, Issue 26, 28 December 1910, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

A Jacobs' Story. A • JACOBS, the humorist, /fl tells the following story:—A lawyer defending a man accused of housebreaking spoke like this:— “Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the. house at all. He found the parlour window open, amt merely inserted his arm and removed a few trifling articles, Now, my client’s arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish, the whole individual for an offence committed by only one of his limbs.” “That argument,” said the judge, “is very well put. Following it logically, 1 sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. lie can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled, and with the lawyer’s assistance unscrewed his cork arm, and, leaving it on the dock, walked out. Rough on Sir Charles. Many stories are told of the late Sir Charles Todd, for so many years the head of the Adelaide Observatory. One of the best is a story that Sir Charles used to tell at his own expense. When visiting one of the smaller towns of the colony he called on a man who had gained a local reputation, as a weather prophet. Without disclosing his identity, Sir Charles said to him:— “I dabble a little in weather predicting myself. Would you mind telling me how you arrive at your conclusions':” “Oh, that’s easy enough,” was, the reply. “There’s an old cove in Adelaide edlled Todd who puts in the papers what Be thinks the weather’s going to be. and fa 1 ways put just the opposite to what he and that’s the way I score.”

A Lost Apology. . ~ The Professor of Philosophy, absentminded and full of enthusiasm,'came into the sitting-roomi “What a beautiful woman-Mrs. Rays mond is!” he exclaimed. “I have just had such a pleasant talk with her in the book store.” His wife looked up from her sewing. "John!” she exclaimed, “where is your collar?” The Professor of Philosophy put his hand to his throat. “I must have left it at the barber shop. I’es, that’s it. I went to the barber shop; then to the book store. Why,” he ended lamely, "Mrs Raymond would think it very careless of me to appear in public without my collar, wouldn’t she?” "Rather,” said his wife drily. “Perhaps you’d better call lier up and tell her just how it happened.” “Exactly,” said tlie professor.

The professor went to the telephone. “Hello, Central, hello. Hello—is this Mrs. Raymond? Yes? Well, really, it was very stupid of me, Mrs. Raymond: hut, you know, I had been thinking of something very important, and I quite forgot to put on my collar, t—oh! —ahi —good-bye.” The professor suddenly hung up the receiver. He gave utterance to a mild exclamation. "John!” exclaimed his wife. “She says she hasn’t been out of the house to-day,” groaned the professor, <?> <S> <♦> She Endorsed the Cheque. “I want this cheque cashed,” eaid the fair young matron, appearing at the window’ of the paying teller. "Yes, madam. You mpst endorse it though,” explained the teller. “Why, my husband sent it to me. He is away on business,” she said. “Yes, madam, just endorse it—sign it on the back, so we will know and your husband will know that we paid it to you.” She went to the desk against the wall, and in a few moments presented the cheque triumphantly, having written on its back: “Your loving wife, Edith.”

A Different Matter. Father: “I am very grieved to hear, my son, that you have lately told yoin mother several falsehoods. Always tell the truth, even though it brings suffering upon you. Will you promise me?” Boy: "Yes, father.” “Very well, now go and see who is knocking at the door. If it’s the rate collector, say I'm not at home.” « <?> <S> Her Little Hint. Tess: “There goes Ursula Hope with Dick Shy.” ' Jess: “Yes; she’s setting her cap at him.’’ Tess: “Do you really think she cares for him?” Jess: "Yes, indeed! You know hei full name is Ursula May Hope. Well she signs all her letters to him now U May Hope!” As George Sees the Peers. “David Lloyd George,” said the miner from Wales, as In* emptied his glass “David is a very witty speaker. l'v< heard him many a time in Carnarvon. "Speaking in Welsh, he once ridiculed in Carnarvon the Hou e of Lords. He said the average peer thought so much of himself nt family prayers he always made one well-known passage run: "‘Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of Lords forever.' ” <s><£■«> Artful Jack. r He was the only son. ami of touvse dad thought the world of him: but Tone evening Jack was called from the garden to receive a lesson in obedience. ! “Jack,” said his fond father, "what is this I hear—that you disobeyed your grandma when she told you not to slide down the banisters?” ‘Jack: "Grandma didn't tell me to, dad. She only came to the foot of the staircase and said, ‘1 wouldn't slide down those banisters, lad!" Ami I shouldn't think she would, should you, dad,I an Old lady like her'’